- Reaction score
- 1,378
- Points
- 1,160
What can you do with a single loony on a Sunday night?
To really p.....s somebody off on a Monday?
To really p.....s somebody off on a Monday?
More and more funnies.. vol: something...
- Thread starter Timmy!
- Start date
- Reaction score
- 1,292
- Points
- 940
Since it's still April.....barely....a final April Fool's joke:
Defence Attorney:
Will you please state your age?
Little Old Lady:
I am 94 years old.
Defense Attorney:
Will you tell us, in your own words, what happened the night of April 1st?
Little Old Lady:
There I was, sitting there in my swing on my front porch on a warm spring evening,
When a young man comes creeping up on the porch and sat down beside me.
Defense Attorney:
Did you know him?
Little Old Lady:
No, but he sure was friendly.
Defense Attorney:
What happened after he sat down?
Little Old Lady:
He started to rub my thigh.
Defense Attorney:
Did you stop him?
Little Old Lady:
No, I didn't stop him.
Defense Attorney:
Why not?
Little Old Lady:
It felt good. Nobody had done that since my Albert died some 30 years ago.
Defense Attorney:
What happened next?
Little Old Lady:
He began to rub my breasts.
Defense Attorney:
Did you stop him then?
Little Old Lady:
No, I did not stop him.
Defense Attorney:
Why not?
Little Old Lady:
His rubbing made me feel all alive and excited. I haven't felt that good in years!
Defense Attorney:
What happened next?
Little Old Lady:
Well, by then, I was feeling so 'spicy' that I just laid down and told him
'Take me, young man. Take me now!'
Defense Attorney:
Did he take you?
Little Old Lady:
Hell, no! He just yelled, "April Fool!" And that's when I shot him, the little bastard!!!
;D
Defence Attorney:
Will you please state your age?
Little Old Lady:
I am 94 years old.
Defense Attorney:
Will you tell us, in your own words, what happened the night of April 1st?
Little Old Lady:
There I was, sitting there in my swing on my front porch on a warm spring evening,
When a young man comes creeping up on the porch and sat down beside me.
Defense Attorney:
Did you know him?
Little Old Lady:
No, but he sure was friendly.
Defense Attorney:
What happened after he sat down?
Little Old Lady:
He started to rub my thigh.
Defense Attorney:
Did you stop him?
Little Old Lady:
No, I didn't stop him.
Defense Attorney:
Why not?
Little Old Lady:
It felt good. Nobody had done that since my Albert died some 30 years ago.
Defense Attorney:
What happened next?
Little Old Lady:
He began to rub my breasts.
Defense Attorney:
Did you stop him then?
Little Old Lady:
No, I did not stop him.
Defense Attorney:
Why not?
Little Old Lady:
His rubbing made me feel all alive and excited. I haven't felt that good in years!
Defense Attorney:
What happened next?
Little Old Lady:
Well, by then, I was feeling so 'spicy' that I just laid down and told him
'Take me, young man. Take me now!'
Defense Attorney:
Did he take you?
Little Old Lady:
Hell, no! He just yelled, "April Fool!" And that's when I shot him, the little bastard!!!
;D
- Reaction score
- 1,292
- Points
- 940
Not really funny, actually, pretty cool.
A couple of teenagers from London Ontario created this rap video: Canadian, Please
A couple of teenagers from London Ontario created this rap video: Canadian, Please
- Reaction score
- 1
- Points
- 210
spear said:www.afblues.com which makes a reference to the popular 1950s movie DR. STRANGELOVE.
That is great!
iper:
- Reaction score
- 3
- Points
- 430
Buy, Buy American Pie ;D
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Vq8wbXAR4ZQ
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Vq8wbXAR4ZQ
- Reaction score
- 1,292
- Points
- 940
In honour of Mother's Day yesterday:
1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE:
'If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning.'
2. My mother taught me RELIGION:
'You better pray that this will come out of the carpet.'
3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL:
'If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!'
4. My mother taught me LOGIC:
' Because I said so, that's why.'
5.My mother taught me MORE LOGIC:
'If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me.'
6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT:
'Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident.'
7. My mother taught me IRONY:
'Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about.'
8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS:
'Shut your mouth and eat your supper.'
9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM:
'Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!'
10. My mother taught me about STAMINA:
'You'll sit there until all that SOUP is gone.'
11. My mother taught me about WEATHER:
'This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it.'
12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY:
'If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!'
13. My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE:
'I brought you into this world, and I can take you out.'
14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION:
'Stop acting like your father!'
15. My mother taught me about ENVY:
'There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do..'
16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION:
'Just wait until we get home.'
17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING:
'You are going to get it when you get home!'
18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE:
'If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to get stuck that way.'
19. My mother taught me ESP:
'Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?'
20. My mother taught me HUMOUR:
'When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me.'
21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT:
'If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up.'
22. My mother taught me GENETICS:
'You're just like your father.'
23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS:
'Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?'
24. My mother taught me WISDOM:
'When you get to be my age, you'll understand.'
25. And my very favorite:
My mother taught me about JUSTICE:
'One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you '
1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE:
'If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning.'
2. My mother taught me RELIGION:
'You better pray that this will come out of the carpet.'
3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL:
'If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!'
4. My mother taught me LOGIC:
' Because I said so, that's why.'
5.My mother taught me MORE LOGIC:
'If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me.'
6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT:
'Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident.'
7. My mother taught me IRONY:
'Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about.'
8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS:
'Shut your mouth and eat your supper.'
9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM:
'Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!'
10. My mother taught me about STAMINA:
'You'll sit there until all that SOUP is gone.'
11. My mother taught me about WEATHER:
'This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it.'
12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY:
'If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!'
13. My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE:
'I brought you into this world, and I can take you out.'
14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION:
'Stop acting like your father!'
15. My mother taught me about ENVY:
'There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do..'
16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION:
'Just wait until we get home.'
17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING:
'You are going to get it when you get home!'
18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE:
'If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to get stuck that way.'
19. My mother taught me ESP:
'Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?'
20. My mother taught me HUMOUR:
'When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me.'
21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT:
'If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up.'
22. My mother taught me GENETICS:
'You're just like your father.'
23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS:
'Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?'
24. My mother taught me WISDOM:
'When you get to be my age, you'll understand.'
25. And my very favorite:
My mother taught me about JUSTICE:
'One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you '
- Reaction score
- 0
- Points
- 210
Three kids are having a discussion about who's dad is the fastest one day.
The first kid feels he has the fastest dad. "My dad's a sprinter, he can run the 100m in just over 10 seconds" he proclaims.
"That's nothing" says the second kid. "My dad's a drag racer, and in less than ten seconds, his car pass through the quarter mile."
The winning argument comes from the third kid: "My dad's a government worker, and he's so fast he can travel through time!"
"No way!" Cry the other two kids.
"Yeah he can. Every day he gets off work at 4:30, and he's home by 3!"
The first kid feels he has the fastest dad. "My dad's a sprinter, he can run the 100m in just over 10 seconds" he proclaims.
"That's nothing" says the second kid. "My dad's a drag racer, and in less than ten seconds, his car pass through the quarter mile."
The winning argument comes from the third kid: "My dad's a government worker, and he's so fast he can travel through time!"
"No way!" Cry the other two kids.
"Yeah he can. Every day he gets off work at 4:30, and he's home by 3!"
Retired AF Guy
Army.ca Veteran
- Reaction score
- 920
- Points
- 1,160
A few motivational posters to help us through the long weekend:
- Reaction score
- 1,292
- Points
- 940
One hot summer day, a Newfie came to town with his dog, tied it under the shade of a tree, and headed into the bar for a cold one.
Twenty minutes later, a policeman entered the bar and asked, "Who owns the dog tied under that tree outside?" The Newfie said it was his.
"Your dog seems to be in heat" the officer said.
The Newfie replied, "No way. She's cool 'cause she's tied up under that shade tree."
The policeman said, "No! You don't understand. Your dog needs to be bred."
"No way," said the Newfie. "That dog don't need bread. She ain't hungry cause I fed her this mornin'."
The exasperated policeman said, "NO! You don't understand; your dog wants to have sex!"
The Newfie looked at the cop and said, "Well, go ahead. I always wanted a police dog."
;D
Twenty minutes later, a policeman entered the bar and asked, "Who owns the dog tied under that tree outside?" The Newfie said it was his.
"Your dog seems to be in heat" the officer said.
The Newfie replied, "No way. She's cool 'cause she's tied up under that shade tree."
The policeman said, "No! You don't understand. Your dog needs to be bred."
"No way," said the Newfie. "That dog don't need bread. She ain't hungry cause I fed her this mornin'."
The exasperated policeman said, "NO! You don't understand; your dog wants to have sex!"
The Newfie looked at the cop and said, "Well, go ahead. I always wanted a police dog."
;D
- Reaction score
- 3
- Points
- 430
New Kia Soul ad brings back the hamsters, and the funk
http://content.usatoday.com/communities/driveon/post/2010/05/kia-soul-commercial-brings-back-the-hamsters-and-the-funk/1
http://content.usatoday.com/communities/driveon/post/2010/05/kia-soul-commercial-brings-back-the-hamsters-and-the-funk/1
Southern Girl
Two bored casino dealers are waiting at the crap table. A very attractive Blonde woman from Alabama arrived and bet twenty-thousand dollars ($20,000) on a single roll of the dice. She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I play Topless." With that, she stripped to the waist; rolled the dice; and yelled, "Come on, Baby, Southern Girl needs new clothes!"
As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up-and-down, and squealed..."YES! YES! I WON! I WON!"
She hugged each of the dealers. Then she picked up her winnings and her clothes, and quickly departed.
The dealers stared at each other dumfounded. Finally, one of them asked, "What did she roll?"
The other ans wered, "I don't know. I thought you were watching."
Moral --- Not all Southerners are stupid. Not all blondes are dumb. But, all men..... are men.
Two bored casino dealers are waiting at the crap table. A very attractive Blonde woman from Alabama arrived and bet twenty-thousand dollars ($20,000) on a single roll of the dice. She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I play Topless." With that, she stripped to the waist; rolled the dice; and yelled, "Come on, Baby, Southern Girl needs new clothes!"
As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up-and-down, and squealed..."YES! YES! I WON! I WON!"
She hugged each of the dealers. Then she picked up her winnings and her clothes, and quickly departed.
The dealers stared at each other dumfounded. Finally, one of them asked, "What did she roll?"
The other ans wered, "I don't know. I thought you were watching."
Moral --- Not all Southerners are stupid. Not all blondes are dumb. But, all men..... are men.
GI Insurance
Airman Jones was assigned to the induction center, where he advised new recruits about their government benefits, especially their GI insurance.
It wasn't long before Captain Smith noticed that Airman Jones was having a staggeringly high success-rate, selling insurance to nearly 100% of the recruits he advised.
Rather than asking him about this, the Captain stood at the back of the room and listened to Jones' sales pitch.
Jones explained the basics of GI Insurance to the new recruits, and then said, "If you are killed in a battle and have a GI Insurance, the government has to pay $200,000 to your beneficiaries. But, if you don't have a GI insurance and get killed in the battle, the government only has to pay a maximum of $6000."
"Now," he concluded, "which group do YOU think they are going to send into battle first?"
Airman Jones was assigned to the induction center, where he advised new recruits about their government benefits, especially their GI insurance.
It wasn't long before Captain Smith noticed that Airman Jones was having a staggeringly high success-rate, selling insurance to nearly 100% of the recruits he advised.
Rather than asking him about this, the Captain stood at the back of the room and listened to Jones' sales pitch.
Jones explained the basics of GI Insurance to the new recruits, and then said, "If you are killed in a battle and have a GI Insurance, the government has to pay $200,000 to your beneficiaries. But, if you don't have a GI insurance and get killed in the battle, the government only has to pay a maximum of $6000."
"Now," he concluded, "which group do YOU think they are going to send into battle first?"
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