More and more funnies.. vol: something...
- Thread starter Timmy!
- Start date
Ever wonder in your relationship, how 'the fight' started...:
One year, a husband decided to buy his mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a
Christmas gift...
The next year, he didn't buy her a gift.
When she asked him why, he replied,
"Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"
And that's how the fight started...
---------------------------------------------------------------------
My wife and I are watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in
bed.
I turned to her and said,
'Do you want to have Sex?'
'No,'
she answered.
I then said,
'Is that your final answer?'
She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying
'Yes.'
So I said,
'Then I'd like to phone a friend.'
And that's when the fight started...
---------------------------------------------------------------------
I took my wife to a restaurant.
The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.
'I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please..'
He said,
'Aren't you worried about the mad cow?'
'Nah, she can order for herself.'
And that's when the fight started...
---------------------------------------------------------------------
My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping the channels.
She asked,
'What's on TV?'
I said,
'Dust.'
And then the fight started...
---------------------------------------------------------------------
My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary..
She said,
'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 200 in about 3 seconds.'
I bought her a scale.
And then the fight started...
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school reunion, and she
kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he sat alone at a nearby
table.
I asked her,
'Do you know him?'
'Yes,'
she sighed,
'He's my old boyfriend... I understand he took to drinking right after we
split up those many years ago, and I hear he hasn't been sober since.'
'My God!'
I said,
'Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?'
And then the fight started...
---------------------------------------------------------------------
THE BROKEN LAWN MOWER:
When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that
I should get it fixed.
But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the truck,
the car, playing golf. Always something more important to me.
Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point.
When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily
snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched silently for a
short time and then went into the house. I was gone only a minute, and when
I came out again I handed her a toothbrush.
I said, 'When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway.'
The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.
One year, a husband decided to buy his mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a
Christmas gift...
The next year, he didn't buy her a gift.
When she asked him why, he replied,
"Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"
And that's how the fight started...
---------------------------------------------------------------------
My wife and I are watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in
bed.
I turned to her and said,
'Do you want to have Sex?'
'No,'
she answered.
I then said,
'Is that your final answer?'
She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying
'Yes.'
So I said,
'Then I'd like to phone a friend.'
And that's when the fight started...
---------------------------------------------------------------------
I took my wife to a restaurant.
The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.
'I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please..'
He said,
'Aren't you worried about the mad cow?'
'Nah, she can order for herself.'
And that's when the fight started...
---------------------------------------------------------------------
My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping the channels.
She asked,
'What's on TV?'
I said,
'Dust.'
And then the fight started...
---------------------------------------------------------------------
My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary..
She said,
'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 200 in about 3 seconds.'
I bought her a scale.
And then the fight started...
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school reunion, and she
kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he sat alone at a nearby
table.
I asked her,
'Do you know him?'
'Yes,'
she sighed,
'He's my old boyfriend... I understand he took to drinking right after we
split up those many years ago, and I hear he hasn't been sober since.'
'My God!'
I said,
'Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?'
And then the fight started...
---------------------------------------------------------------------
THE BROKEN LAWN MOWER:
When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that
I should get it fixed.
But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the truck,
the car, playing golf. Always something more important to me.
Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point.
When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily
snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched silently for a
short time and then went into the house. I was gone only a minute, and when
I came out again I handed her a toothbrush.
I said, 'When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway.'
The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.
This ought to make you feel better about your computer skills! If you skip any, you have to read the last one! Unbelievable, but supposedly all true!!!!
=================================
Tech support: What kind of computer do you have?
Female customer: A white one...
===============
Customer: Hi, this is Maureen. I can't get my diskette out.
Tech support: Have you tried pushing the Button?
Customer: Yes, sure, it's really stuck.
Tech support: That doesn't sound good; I'll make a note.
Customer: No , wait a minute... I hadn't inserted it yet... it's still on my desk... sorry....
===============
Tech support: Click on the 'my computer' icon on to the left of the screen.
Customer: Your left or my left?
===============
Tech support: Good day. How may I help you?
Male customer: Hello... I can't print.
Tech support: Would you click on 'start' for me and...
Customer: Listen pal; don't start getting technical on me! I'm not Bill Gates.
===============
Customer: Hi, good afternoon, this is Martha, I can't print. Every time I try, it says 'Can't find printer'. I've even lifted the printer and placed it in front of the monitor, but the computer still says he can't find it...
============== =
Customer: I have problems printing in red...
Tech support: Do you have a color printer?
Customer: Aaaah....................thank you.
===============
Tech support: What's on your monitor now, ma'am?
Customer: A teddy bear my boyfriend bought for me at Woolies.
===============
Customer: My keyboard is not working anymore.
Tech support: Are you sure it's plugged into the computer?
Customer: No. I can't get behind the computer.
Tech support: Pick up your keyboard and walk 10 paces back.
Customer:! OK
Tech support: Did the keyboard come with you?
Customer: Yes
Tech support: That means the keyboard is not plugged in. Is there another keyboard?
Customer: Yes, there's another one here. Ah...that one does work...
===============
Tech support: Your password is the small letter 'a' as in apple, a capital letter V as in Victor, the number 7.
Customer: Is that 7 in capital letters ?
== =============
Customer: can't get on the Internet.
Tech support: Are you sure you used the right password?
Customer: Yes, I'm sure. I saw my colleague do it.
Tech support: Can you tell me what the password was?
Customer: Five stars.
===============
Tech support: What anti-virus program do you use?
Customer: Netscape.
Tech support: That's not an anti-virus program.
Customer: Oh, sorry...Internet Explorer.
===============
Customer: I have a huge problem. A friend has placed a screen saver on my computer, but every time I move the mouse, it disappears.
===============
Tech support: How may I help you?
Customer: I'm writing my first e-mail.
Tech support: OK, and what seems to be the problem?
Customer: Well, I have the letter 'a' in the address, but how do I get the circle around it?
===============
A woman customer called the Canon help desk with a problem with her printer.
Tech support: Are you running it under windows?
Customer: 'No, my desk is next to the door, but that is a good point. The man sitting in the cubicle next to me is under a window, and his printer is working fine.'
===============
And last but not least...
Tech support: 'Okay Colin, let's press the control and escape keys at the same time. That brings up a task list in the middle of the screen. Now type the letter 'P' to bring up the Program Manager.'
Customer: I don't have a P.
Tech support: On your keyboard, Colin.
Customer: What do you mean?
Tech support: 'P'.....on your keyboard, Colin.
Customer: I'M NOT GOING TO DO THAT!!
=================================
Tech support: What kind of computer do you have?
Female customer: A white one...
===============
Customer: Hi, this is Maureen. I can't get my diskette out.
Tech support: Have you tried pushing the Button?
Customer: Yes, sure, it's really stuck.
Tech support: That doesn't sound good; I'll make a note.
Customer: No , wait a minute... I hadn't inserted it yet... it's still on my desk... sorry....
===============
Tech support: Click on the 'my computer' icon on to the left of the screen.
Customer: Your left or my left?
===============
Tech support: Good day. How may I help you?
Male customer: Hello... I can't print.
Tech support: Would you click on 'start' for me and...
Customer: Listen pal; don't start getting technical on me! I'm not Bill Gates.
===============
Customer: Hi, good afternoon, this is Martha, I can't print. Every time I try, it says 'Can't find printer'. I've even lifted the printer and placed it in front of the monitor, but the computer still says he can't find it...
============== =
Customer: I have problems printing in red...
Tech support: Do you have a color printer?
Customer: Aaaah....................thank you.
===============
Tech support: What's on your monitor now, ma'am?
Customer: A teddy bear my boyfriend bought for me at Woolies.
===============
Customer: My keyboard is not working anymore.
Tech support: Are you sure it's plugged into the computer?
Customer: No. I can't get behind the computer.
Tech support: Pick up your keyboard and walk 10 paces back.
Customer:! OK
Tech support: Did the keyboard come with you?
Customer: Yes
Tech support: That means the keyboard is not plugged in. Is there another keyboard?
Customer: Yes, there's another one here. Ah...that one does work...
===============
Tech support: Your password is the small letter 'a' as in apple, a capital letter V as in Victor, the number 7.
Customer: Is that 7 in capital letters ?
== =============
Customer: can't get on the Internet.
Tech support: Are you sure you used the right password?
Customer: Yes, I'm sure. I saw my colleague do it.
Tech support: Can you tell me what the password was?
Customer: Five stars.
===============
Tech support: What anti-virus program do you use?
Customer: Netscape.
Tech support: That's not an anti-virus program.
Customer: Oh, sorry...Internet Explorer.
===============
Customer: I have a huge problem. A friend has placed a screen saver on my computer, but every time I move the mouse, it disappears.
===============
Tech support: How may I help you?
Customer: I'm writing my first e-mail.
Tech support: OK, and what seems to be the problem?
Customer: Well, I have the letter 'a' in the address, but how do I get the circle around it?
===============
A woman customer called the Canon help desk with a problem with her printer.
Tech support: Are you running it under windows?
Customer: 'No, my desk is next to the door, but that is a good point. The man sitting in the cubicle next to me is under a window, and his printer is working fine.'
===============
And last but not least...
Tech support: 'Okay Colin, let's press the control and escape keys at the same time. That brings up a task list in the middle of the screen. Now type the letter 'P' to bring up the Program Manager.'
Customer: I don't have a P.
Tech support: On your keyboard, Colin.
Customer: What do you mean?
Tech support: 'P'.....on your keyboard, Colin.
Customer: I'M NOT GOING TO DO THAT!!
I was out with family and friends at a local pub.
They had a contest going on at the pub ----and of course we all joined in.
I was doing quite well, proud of being able to answer all the questions.
I lost out on winning the pub quiz by one point.
The question was, "Where do women mostly have curly hair?"
I was wrong...................apparently its Africa.
They had a contest going on at the pub ----and of course we all joined in.
I was doing quite well, proud of being able to answer all the questions.
I lost out on winning the pub quiz by one point.
The question was, "Where do women mostly have curly hair?"
I was wrong...................apparently its Africa.
- Reaction score
- 0
- Points
- 210
My buddies and I had just passed Aircrew selection and went to a bar to celebrate, we were getting our orders and the waitress asked "So whats the occasion?" we told her we had just passed the military's aircrew selection. One guy jokingly said "Yeah we're Naval Aviators" (yeah we all watched topgun that night can you blame us :
) she looked at us and said "oh? is that like aviation?"..........................
) she looked at us and said "oh? is that like aviation?"..........................
- Reaction score
- 6,056
- Points
- 1,160
DexOlesa said:My buddies and I had just passed Aircrew selection and went to a bar to celebrate, we were getting our orders and the waitress asked "So whats the occasion?" we told her we had just passed the military's aircrew selection. One guy jokingly said "Yeah we're Naval Aviators" (yeah we all watched topgun that night can you blame us :
??? Guess you had to be there.
- Reaction score
- 0
- Points
- 210
Two kids are arguing over whose father is the biggest scaredy-cat.
The first kid says, "My dad is so scared that when lightning strikes, he
hides underneath the bed."
The second kid replies,"Yeah? Well, that's nothing. My dad is so scared
that when my mom has to work the nightshift, he sleeps with the lady
next door."
=======================
A man walk into a supermarket and notices a beautiful woman staring at him.
She stares for quite some time, so finally the man asked "Do I know you?"
The woman answers "I think your the father of one of my kids".
The man thinks for a minute then
realizes this kid she is talking about must be the result of the one and only
time he ever cheated on his wife.
So he says to the woman "are you the stripper that was at my best friends
bachelor party about 5 years ago?"
"You know, the one I had sex with on the pool table while your friend
spanked my bare ass with a whip?"
The woman looks at him horrified and says "No, I'm your son's teacher".
===============================
Deep within a forest, a little turtle began to climb a tree. After hours of
effort, he reached the top, jumped into the air waving his front legs and
crashed to the ground. After recovering, he slowly climbed the tree
again, jumped, and fell to the ground. The turtle tried again and again,
while a couple of birds sitting on a branch watched his sad efforts.
Finally, the female bird turned to her mate. "Dear," she chirped, "I think
it's time to tell him he's adopted."
==============================
An Indian boy goes to his mother one day with a puzzled look on his face.
"Say Mom, why is my bigger brother named Mighty Storm"?
"Because he was conceived during a mighty storm", she said.
Then he asked "Why is my sister named Cornflower"?
"Well your father and I were in a cornfield when we made her", she
replied. He then asked "And why is my other sister called Moonchild"?
"We were watching the moon-landing when she was conceived", the mother
replies.
The mother paused and said to her son... "Tell me, Torn Rubber, why are
you so curious"
========================
A little girl is in line to see Santa. When it's her turn, she climbs up on
Santa's lap. Santa asks, 'What would you like Santa to bring you for
Christmas'?
The little girl replies, 'I want a Barbie and G.I. Joe'.
Santa looks at the little girl for a moment and says, 'I thought Barbie
comes with Ken'.
'No', said the little girl. 'She comes with G.I. Joe, she fakes it with Ken.'
========================
Two young boys walk into a pharmacy one day, pick out a box of Tampax and
proceed to the checkout counter. The man at the counter asks the older boy,
"Son, how old are you?"
"Eight," the boy replies.
The man continues, "Do you know what these are used for?"
"Not exactly," the boy says. "But they aren't for me. They're for him. He's
my brother. He's four. We saw on TV that if you use these you would be
able to swim and ride a bike. Right now he can't do either one."
The first kid says, "My dad is so scared that when lightning strikes, he
hides underneath the bed."
The second kid replies,"Yeah? Well, that's nothing. My dad is so scared
that when my mom has to work the nightshift, he sleeps with the lady
next door."
=======================
A man walk into a supermarket and notices a beautiful woman staring at him.
She stares for quite some time, so finally the man asked "Do I know you?"
The woman answers "I think your the father of one of my kids".
The man thinks for a minute then
realizes this kid she is talking about must be the result of the one and only
time he ever cheated on his wife.
So he says to the woman "are you the stripper that was at my best friends
bachelor party about 5 years ago?"
"You know, the one I had sex with on the pool table while your friend
spanked my bare ass with a whip?"
The woman looks at him horrified and says "No, I'm your son's teacher".
===============================
Deep within a forest, a little turtle began to climb a tree. After hours of
effort, he reached the top, jumped into the air waving his front legs and
crashed to the ground. After recovering, he slowly climbed the tree
again, jumped, and fell to the ground. The turtle tried again and again,
while a couple of birds sitting on a branch watched his sad efforts.
Finally, the female bird turned to her mate. "Dear," she chirped, "I think
it's time to tell him he's adopted."
==============================
An Indian boy goes to his mother one day with a puzzled look on his face.
"Say Mom, why is my bigger brother named Mighty Storm"?
"Because he was conceived during a mighty storm", she said.
Then he asked "Why is my sister named Cornflower"?
"Well your father and I were in a cornfield when we made her", she
replied. He then asked "And why is my other sister called Moonchild"?
"We were watching the moon-landing when she was conceived", the mother
replies.
The mother paused and said to her son... "Tell me, Torn Rubber, why are
you so curious"
========================
A little girl is in line to see Santa. When it's her turn, she climbs up on
Santa's lap. Santa asks, 'What would you like Santa to bring you for
Christmas'?
The little girl replies, 'I want a Barbie and G.I. Joe'.
Santa looks at the little girl for a moment and says, 'I thought Barbie
comes with Ken'.
'No', said the little girl. 'She comes with G.I. Joe, she fakes it with Ken.'
========================
Two young boys walk into a pharmacy one day, pick out a box of Tampax and
proceed to the checkout counter. The man at the counter asks the older boy,
"Son, how old are you?"
"Eight," the boy replies.
The man continues, "Do you know what these are used for?"
"Not exactly," the boy says. "But they aren't for me. They're for him. He's
my brother. He's four. We saw on TV that if you use these you would be
able to swim and ride a bike. Right now he can't do either one."
- Reaction score
- 1,292
- Points
- 940
An amusing website: Things People Said
An example from the "Anecdotes of Stupidity" section:
At the fish hatchery where I work, we have a small display that describes the now-extinct Michigan Grayling (a kind of fish). This summer, I had the following conversation with a tourist:
Tourist: "Is the Grayling still extinct?"
Me: "Yes sir, it doesn't exist anymore."
Tourist: "Any thoughts of bringing it back?"
Me: "No, I don't think that's possible."
Tourist: "Why not?"
Me: "Because it's extinct."
Tourist: "Still?"
Me: "Yes."
Frustrated, he left.
;D
An example from the "Anecdotes of Stupidity" section:
At the fish hatchery where I work, we have a small display that describes the now-extinct Michigan Grayling (a kind of fish). This summer, I had the following conversation with a tourist:
Tourist: "Is the Grayling still extinct?"
Me: "Yes sir, it doesn't exist anymore."
Tourist: "Any thoughts of bringing it back?"
Me: "No, I don't think that's possible."
Tourist: "Why not?"
Me: "Because it's extinct."
Tourist: "Still?"
Me: "Yes."
Frustrated, he left.
;D
- Reaction score
- 3
- Points
- 430
I don't think the author intended this to be funny, yet....
From the Maritime Command Bulletin Board:
In conjunction with Law Day, lawyers from the Nova Scotia branch of the Canadian Bar Association will present a free evening seminar entitled, “Wills and Estates: What Military Personnel Need to Know” from 6:30 to 8:30 p.m. Thursday, April 15, 2010 at the Shearwater gymnasium. Then, on Saturday, April 17, 2010, come celebrate Law Day at the Spring Garden Road courthouse from 10 a.m. to 3 p.m. Free events include a military court martial mock trial, speakers, police car demonstrations, tours of the jail cells, and face painting.
Casual care is available, please register by 13 April.
What a great outing for the wife and kids! ;D
From the Maritime Command Bulletin Board:
In conjunction with Law Day, lawyers from the Nova Scotia branch of the Canadian Bar Association will present a free evening seminar entitled, “Wills and Estates: What Military Personnel Need to Know” from 6:30 to 8:30 p.m. Thursday, April 15, 2010 at the Shearwater gymnasium. Then, on Saturday, April 17, 2010, come celebrate Law Day at the Spring Garden Road courthouse from 10 a.m. to 3 p.m. Free events include a military court martial mock trial, speakers, police car demonstrations, tours of the jail cells, and face painting.
Casual care is available, please register by 13 April.
What a great outing for the wife and kids! ;D
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