A Collection Of Army.ca Humour - including SKIPPY'S DAMN LIST AGAIN!!
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Army.ca membership tops 2 million.
Four members now support battleaxe and 284_226; the rest "still just don't get it"
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Four members now support battleaxe and 284_226; the rest "still just don't get it"
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1
17thRecceSgt
Guest
CF trials on mukluks that began in 1969 now complete.
Result: feet are warmer in colder places in them.
Result: feet are warmer in colder places in them.
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Is Korea the new Iraq?
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Block Quebecois forms majority government in federal elections. Rest of Canada threatens to separate.
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The problem with the original post is that, in 100 years, Castro will be about as old as Yoda and "President" Chelsea will be around, what, 120-something?
Anyway, from the Multinational Inquirer from 2106:
"I did NOT create the world," says God. Pope, catholics stumped.
Anyway, from the Multinational Inquirer from 2106:
"I did NOT create the world," says God. Pope, catholics stumped.
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I figured we should do a army.ca joke thread (might been done before but, oh well). I've got two to start it off:
Bobby the country kid decides to join the army.
on day 1 they give him a comb, then shave his head.
on day 2 they give him a tooth brush, then the dentist pulls three teeth.
on day 3 they give him a athletic cup...
...the army's been lookin for Bobby for about thirty years now.
and:
Q: How many military personnel does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: One, But it takes five years to get the lightbulb.
What have you guys got?
Bobby the country kid decides to join the army.
on day 1 they give him a comb, then shave his head.
on day 2 they give him a tooth brush, then the dentist pulls three teeth.
on day 3 they give him a athletic cup...
...the army's been lookin for Bobby for about thirty years now.
and:
Q: How many military personnel does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: One, But it takes five years to get the lightbulb.
What have you guys got?
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Ok please forgive my English skills, I'll try to translate this one as correctly as possible :
A NATO general decide that he will review his troops. Stopping in front of the American contingent, he punches one of the American soldiers in the face and asks him :"How are you today soldier ?" and the soldier answers :"I am fine sir, I'm an American soldier and I don't feel pain!".
The general, very satisfied with the answer, moves on to the British contingent and stop in front of a soldier, draws his 9mm and hit one of the British soldiers to the head with the handle, and asks him :"How are you today soldier ?". The British soldier answers :"I am fine sir, I am a soldier of Her Majesty and I don't feel pain!".
The general, even more satisfied, moves on to the Canadian contingent, stops in front of a soldier, draws his bayonet and throw it at the feet of the soldier, the bayonet sticking in the poor soldier's boot. The general asks the soldier :"How are you today soldier ?" and the soldier, unphased, answers :"I am fine sir, I am a Canadian soldier, I wear 8 and I was issued 12!"
Hope you enjoy it even with the bad translation,
cheers!
Douke
A NATO general decide that he will review his troops. Stopping in front of the American contingent, he punches one of the American soldiers in the face and asks him :"How are you today soldier ?" and the soldier answers :"I am fine sir, I'm an American soldier and I don't feel pain!".
The general, very satisfied with the answer, moves on to the British contingent and stop in front of a soldier, draws his 9mm and hit one of the British soldiers to the head with the handle, and asks him :"How are you today soldier ?". The British soldier answers :"I am fine sir, I am a soldier of Her Majesty and I don't feel pain!".
The general, even more satisfied, moves on to the Canadian contingent, stops in front of a soldier, draws his bayonet and throw it at the feet of the soldier, the bayonet sticking in the poor soldier's boot. The general asks the soldier :"How are you today soldier ?" and the soldier, unphased, answers :"I am fine sir, I am a Canadian soldier, I wear 8 and I was issued 12!"
Hope you enjoy it even with the bad translation,
cheers!
Douke
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davidhmd said:
What's a sig-op's favorite food?
Marconi and cheese
daftandbarmy
Army.ca Dinosaur
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Miltary speak...
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A US Air Force C-130 was scheduled to leave Thule Air Base, Greenland at midnight. During the pilot's preflight check, he discovers that the latrine holding tank is still full from the last flight. So a message is sent to the base, and an airman who was off-duty is called out to take care of it.
The young man finally gets to the air base and makes his way to the aircraft only to find that the latrine pump truck has been left outdoors and is frozen solid, so he must find another one in the hangar, which takes even more time.
He returns to the aircraft and is less than enthusiastic about what he has to do. Nevertheless, he goes about the pumping job deliberately and carefully (and slowly) so as not to risk criticism later.
As he's leaving the plane, the pilot stops him and says, "Son, your attitude and performance has caused this flight to be late, and I'm going to personally see to it that you are not just reprimanded, but also punished."
Shivering in the cold, his task finished, he takes a deep breath, stands up tall and says, "Sir, with all due respect, I'm not your son; I'm an Airman in the United States Air Force. I've been in Thule, Greenland for 11 months without any leave, and reindeers' asses are beginning to look pretty good to me. I have one stripe; it's two-thirty in the morning, the temperature is 40 degrees below zero, and my job here is to pump shit out of an aircraft. Now, just exactly what form of punishment did you have in mind?
The young man finally gets to the air base and makes his way to the aircraft only to find that the latrine pump truck has been left outdoors and is frozen solid, so he must find another one in the hangar, which takes even more time.
He returns to the aircraft and is less than enthusiastic about what he has to do. Nevertheless, he goes about the pumping job deliberately and carefully (and slowly) so as not to risk criticism later.
As he's leaving the plane, the pilot stops him and says, "Son, your attitude and performance has caused this flight to be late, and I'm going to personally see to it that you are not just reprimanded, but also punished."
Shivering in the cold, his task finished, he takes a deep breath, stands up tall and says, "Sir, with all due respect, I'm not your son; I'm an Airman in the United States Air Force. I've been in Thule, Greenland for 11 months without any leave, and reindeers' asses are beginning to look pretty good to me. I have one stripe; it's two-thirty in the morning, the temperature is 40 degrees below zero, and my job here is to pump shit out of an aircraft. Now, just exactly what form of punishment did you have in mind?
M
mudrecceman
Guest
At a U2 concert in Halifax Nova Scotia, when Bono asks the audience for some quiet.
Then, in the silence, he starts to slowly clap his hands. He says into the microphone, in a deep solemn voice... "Just for a moment, think
outside yourself...Outside this arena. Every time I clap my hands, a child in Africa dies."
A loud Newfy voice from near the front pierces the moment..."Well, Lard tunderin jasus, ya stupid arse, stop yer damn clappin', then!"
Then, in the silence, he starts to slowly clap his hands. He says into the microphone, in a deep solemn voice... "Just for a moment, think
outside yourself...Outside this arena. Every time I clap my hands, a child in Africa dies."
A loud Newfy voice from near the front pierces the moment..."Well, Lard tunderin jasus, ya stupid arse, stop yer damn clappin', then!"
Heres an old joke but a good one.
There are three men working on a construction site, a Frenchman, an Italian, and a Newfie.
Everyday at noon they all grab their lunch and sit on a beam up on the building. First the Frenchman gets French Bread for lunch and says "Oh, if I get French Bread for lunch again I'm going to jump off this building", the Italian man gets pasta and says "Oh if I get pasta again I'm going to jump off this building and kill myself", and the Newfie gets Peanut Butter and Jam and says "Oh, if I get PB&J again I'm going to jump this building and kill myself".
So the next day the lunch bell goes and they all go up the tower to eat. The Frenchman gets French Bread and procedes to jump off the building, the Italian gets pasta and jumps off, and the Newfie gets PB and J and jumps off.
The next week at their funeral all the wifes are together greiving when the Frenchmans wife says "Oh, if only I knew he didn't want French Bread I would have made something different", the Italians wife says "Oh, if only I knew he didn't want pasta I would have made something different", and the Newfie's wife says "Don't look at me, he makes his own lunch"
There are three men working on a construction site, a Frenchman, an Italian, and a Newfie.
Everyday at noon they all grab their lunch and sit on a beam up on the building. First the Frenchman gets French Bread for lunch and says "Oh, if I get French Bread for lunch again I'm going to jump off this building", the Italian man gets pasta and says "Oh if I get pasta again I'm going to jump off this building and kill myself", and the Newfie gets Peanut Butter and Jam and says "Oh, if I get PB&J again I'm going to jump this building and kill myself".
So the next day the lunch bell goes and they all go up the tower to eat. The Frenchman gets French Bread and procedes to jump off the building, the Italian gets pasta and jumps off, and the Newfie gets PB and J and jumps off.
The next week at their funeral all the wifes are together greiving when the Frenchmans wife says "Oh, if only I knew he didn't want French Bread I would have made something different", the Italians wife says "Oh, if only I knew he didn't want pasta I would have made something different", and the Newfie's wife says "Don't look at me, he makes his own lunch"
I found these while searching around the net, the website I got them from is below, they are pretty funny (true or not).
"Aim towards the Enemy."
- Instruction printed on US Rocket Launcher
"When the pin is pulled, Mr. Grenade is not our friend."
- U.S. Army
"Cluster bombing from B-52s is very, very accurate. The bombs are guaranteed to always hit the ground."
- U.S.A.F. Ammo Troop
"If the enemy is in range, so are you."
- Infantry Journal
"A slipping gear could let your M203 grenade launcher fire when you least expect it. That would make you quite unpopular in what's left of your unit."
- Army's magazine of preventive maintenance.
"It is generally inadvisable to eject directly over the area you just bombed."
- U.S. Air Force Manual
"Try to look unimportant; they may be low on ammo."
- Infantry Journal
"Tracers work both ways."
- U.S. Army Ordnance
"Five-second fuses only last three seconds."
- Infantry Journal
"Bravery is being the only one who knows you're afraid."
- Col. David Hackworth
"If your attack is going too well, you're probably walking into an ambush."
- Infantry Journal
"No combat-ready unit has ever passed inspection."
- Joe Gay
"Any ship can be a minesweeper ... once."
- Anon
"Never tell the Platoon Sergeant you have nothing to do."
- Unknown Army Recruit
"Don't draw fire; it irritates the people around you."
- Your Buddies
(And lastly) "If you see a bomb technician running, try to keep up with him."
-- U.S.A. Ammo
http://whatsthecrack.net/Funny-and-Useful-Military-Warnings
"Aim towards the Enemy."
- Instruction printed on US Rocket Launcher
"When the pin is pulled, Mr. Grenade is not our friend."
- U.S. Army
"Cluster bombing from B-52s is very, very accurate. The bombs are guaranteed to always hit the ground."
- U.S.A.F. Ammo Troop
"If the enemy is in range, so are you."
- Infantry Journal
"A slipping gear could let your M203 grenade launcher fire when you least expect it. That would make you quite unpopular in what's left of your unit."
- Army's magazine of preventive maintenance.
"It is generally inadvisable to eject directly over the area you just bombed."
- U.S. Air Force Manual
"Try to look unimportant; they may be low on ammo."
- Infantry Journal
"Tracers work both ways."
- U.S. Army Ordnance
"Five-second fuses only last three seconds."
- Infantry Journal
"Bravery is being the only one who knows you're afraid."
- Col. David Hackworth
"If your attack is going too well, you're probably walking into an ambush."
- Infantry Journal
"No combat-ready unit has ever passed inspection."
- Joe Gay
"Any ship can be a minesweeper ... once."
- Anon
"Never tell the Platoon Sergeant you have nothing to do."
- Unknown Army Recruit
"Don't draw fire; it irritates the people around you."
- Your Buddies
(And lastly) "If you see a bomb technician running, try to keep up with him."
-- U.S.A. Ammo
http://whatsthecrack.net/Funny-and-Useful-Military-Warnings
- Reaction score
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3RD, thanks, too bad Ive already read that one...
OK I got a couple (OK their not really mine just found them on the internet):
1.) A lieutenant was out walking one day, and came upon a little boy, playing with a pile of s**t.
"Son, what are you doing?" asked the lieutenant.
"I'm building an NCO," said the boy.
The lieutenant, thinking this was quite funny, returned with his captain, and asked the same question. Again, the boy replied that he was building an NCO.
The captain, also thinking it was funny, went back to the company area, and brought the first sergeant out. Again the question was asked, and the reply was the same.
The first sergeant then asked the boy why he was building an NCO.
The boy replied "Because I don't have enough s**t to make an officer."
2.) A Airforce Officer is leaving 17 Wing (Winnipeg) to go to Shilo, Likewise an Army NCM is leaving Shilo to go to 17 Wing (Why, you may ask I don't know). In the middle of the night with no other cars on the road they hit each other head on and both cars go flying off in different directions. Fortunately they both survive and crawl out of each others wrecks and approach each other. The Army guy walks over to the Air Force guy and says,...... "Hey man, I think this is a sign from God that we should put away our petty differences and live as friends instead of archrivals". The Air Force guy thinks for a moment and says, ..... "You know, you're absolutely right! We should be friends. Now I'm gonna see what else survived this wreck"
So the Air Force guy pops open his trunk and finds a full, unopened bottle of Jack Daniels.
He says to the Army guy, "I think this is another sign from God that we should toast to our new found understanding and friendship"
The Army guy replies, "You're damn right!" and he grabs the bottle and starts sucking down Jack Daniels. After putting away nearly half the bottle the Army guy hands it back to the Air Force guy and says, "Your turn!"
The Air Force guy twists the cap back on the bottle and says, "Nahh, I think I'll wait for the cops to show up."
3.) The four scariest things in the CF:
The private who says, "I learned this in Basic Training..."
The officer candidate who says, "Based on my experience..."
The Seargent who says, "Trust me, Sir..."
The Corporal who chuckles, "Watch THIS sh*t..."
Even more scary:
A private with a badge.
A 2nd lieutenant with a map.
4.) Working Hours in the CF:
ARMY: Reveille at 0600, train until 1900.
NAVY: Get out of bed at 0900, train until 1100, lunch until 1300, train until 1600.
AIR FORCE: Awaken at 1000, breakfast in bed, train from 1100 to 1200, lunch at 1200, train from 1300 to 1400, nap at 1400, awaken from nap at 1500, training ceases at 1500.
5.) Alloted Leave Per Service:
ARMY: 4 hours a week.
NAVY: 2 days a week.
AIR FORCE: For every four hours of training, recruits will receive eight hours of leave.
6.) And the last one for the bight... Military Prayer:
One day a Colonel, a Lieutenant and a Warrant Officer were hiking and unexpectedly came upon a large, raging, violent river. They needed to get to the other side, but had no idea of how to do so.
The Warrant Officer called out to God, praying, "Please God, give me the strength to cross this river." Poof! God gave him big arms and strong legs, and he was able to swim across the river. It did, however, take him about two hours, and he almost drowned a couple of times.
Seeing this, the Lieutenant prayed to God, saying, "Please God, give me the strength and the tools to cross this river." Poof! God gave him a rowboat. He was able to row across the river in about an hour, but it was rough, and he almost capsized the boat a couple of times.
The Colonel had seen how things worked out for the other two, so when he prayed to God, he said, "Please God, give me the strength, the tools, and the intelligence to cross this river." And poof! God turned him into an NCO. He looked at the map, hiked upstream a couple of hundred yards, and then walked across the bridge.
Thank you Thank you I'll be here all week ;D ;D
1.) A lieutenant was out walking one day, and came upon a little boy, playing with a pile of s**t.
"Son, what are you doing?" asked the lieutenant.
"I'm building an NCO," said the boy.
The lieutenant, thinking this was quite funny, returned with his captain, and asked the same question. Again, the boy replied that he was building an NCO.
The captain, also thinking it was funny, went back to the company area, and brought the first sergeant out. Again the question was asked, and the reply was the same.
The first sergeant then asked the boy why he was building an NCO.
The boy replied "Because I don't have enough s**t to make an officer."
2.) A Airforce Officer is leaving 17 Wing (Winnipeg) to go to Shilo, Likewise an Army NCM is leaving Shilo to go to 17 Wing (Why, you may ask I don't know). In the middle of the night with no other cars on the road they hit each other head on and both cars go flying off in different directions. Fortunately they both survive and crawl out of each others wrecks and approach each other. The Army guy walks over to the Air Force guy and says,...... "Hey man, I think this is a sign from God that we should put away our petty differences and live as friends instead of archrivals". The Air Force guy thinks for a moment and says, ..... "You know, you're absolutely right! We should be friends. Now I'm gonna see what else survived this wreck"
So the Air Force guy pops open his trunk and finds a full, unopened bottle of Jack Daniels.
He says to the Army guy, "I think this is another sign from God that we should toast to our new found understanding and friendship"
The Army guy replies, "You're damn right!" and he grabs the bottle and starts sucking down Jack Daniels. After putting away nearly half the bottle the Army guy hands it back to the Air Force guy and says, "Your turn!"
The Air Force guy twists the cap back on the bottle and says, "Nahh, I think I'll wait for the cops to show up."
3.) The four scariest things in the CF:
The private who says, "I learned this in Basic Training..."
The officer candidate who says, "Based on my experience..."
The Seargent who says, "Trust me, Sir..."
The Corporal who chuckles, "Watch THIS sh*t..."
Even more scary:
A private with a badge.
A 2nd lieutenant with a map.
4.) Working Hours in the CF:
ARMY: Reveille at 0600, train until 1900.
NAVY: Get out of bed at 0900, train until 1100, lunch until 1300, train until 1600.
AIR FORCE: Awaken at 1000, breakfast in bed, train from 1100 to 1200, lunch at 1200, train from 1300 to 1400, nap at 1400, awaken from nap at 1500, training ceases at 1500.
5.) Alloted Leave Per Service:
ARMY: 4 hours a week.
NAVY: 2 days a week.
AIR FORCE: For every four hours of training, recruits will receive eight hours of leave.
6.) And the last one for the bight... Military Prayer:
One day a Colonel, a Lieutenant and a Warrant Officer were hiking and unexpectedly came upon a large, raging, violent river. They needed to get to the other side, but had no idea of how to do so.
The Warrant Officer called out to God, praying, "Please God, give me the strength to cross this river." Poof! God gave him big arms and strong legs, and he was able to swim across the river. It did, however, take him about two hours, and he almost drowned a couple of times.
Seeing this, the Lieutenant prayed to God, saying, "Please God, give me the strength and the tools to cross this river." Poof! God gave him a rowboat. He was able to row across the river in about an hour, but it was rough, and he almost capsized the boat a couple of times.
The Colonel had seen how things worked out for the other two, so when he prayed to God, he said, "Please God, give me the strength, the tools, and the intelligence to cross this river." And poof! God turned him into an NCO. He looked at the map, hiked upstream a couple of hundred yards, and then walked across the bridge.
Thank you Thank you I'll be here all week ;D ;D
