A Collection Of Army.ca Humour - including SKIPPY'S DAMN LIST AGAIN!!

[Trinity]

Hamster revenge attack
From:
From correspondents in Washington

Not reproduced under the fair trade dealings... blah blah whatever.....





http://www.news.com.au/story/0,10117,19216616-13762,00.html?from=rss
May 22, 2006


A PRACTICAL joker in the US got his comeuppance when his long-suffering friends turned his apartment into a hamster cage including a 1.8m exercise wheel and a giant water bottle.
Luke Trerice, 28, had annoyed his friends over the years with stunts such as encasing one friend's entire flat in tin foil and wrapping up each individual possession.

The friend, Chris Kirk, started planning his revenge immediately and enlisted Trerice's friends to help.

The hamster materials cost $US300 ($400), but the job took eight people 100 hours each.


Trerice says he is going to keep the wheel, and is already planning a counter-attack.

 

[joonrooj]

This seemed the best place for it, a friend sent this to me in an email, he told me he got it off a site, but didn't tell me which, multiple people on different forums take credit for it so I will leave it uncredited. enjoy.

"As I was leaving my house for the 7-11, I stuffed my Glock 10mm "man gun" Mexican style in my pants. My backup is a fully customized 1911 with all the IPSC add-on options in my $500.00 leather pancake holster custom made by Belgian Monks who have devoted their lives to silence and holster making. These are the ones used by Delta, which I used to be a part of but all records of my activities were destroyed in a fire "accident".

I put on my Royal Robbins photographer vest to match my pants while wearing a T-Shirt underneath reading "RANGER." That way, nobody can see what I'm packing. I had my Centennial .38 Special in my ankle holster, just like the gun rag guys carry. Lastly I had my "Covert Sniper" I.D. Card in my wallet with my "Concealed Weapons Permit Badge".

I was ready for anything.

I drove my "bug-out truck" to the 7-11 for some beer, 'cause you never know. It is a performance-styled Subaru BRAT with 4 cylinders of ground pounding fury.

I pull up to the 7-11 store and notice a nervous looking girl scout eyeballing me from the back of her mother's SUV. A likely cover. The mother returned to the truck and went for the keys in her purse, but I knew from my years of combat-honed instincts that she was actually making a furtive movement for an offensive weapon. I attempted a tactical shoulder roll, but fell flat on my face, kind of flopping on the pavement to avoid any incoming rounds and to make it look like I meant to do that.

The store owner called 911 which is good, because I then did a roll and attempted to draw my Glock. Unfortunately, since I did not have a holster, the gun "went off" and the bullet creased my wiener. But I was prepared for that and bit down on a 9mm casing to take my mind off the pain as I dove for the garbage barrel. That's when I noticed the girl scout shouting something to her mother who began to take cover. I knew they were closing on me so I drew my trusty custom 1911 Wilson COMBAT....I knew that they would be impressed with that.

I then duck walked to the front of her SUV but my gut kinda got in the way and I fell on my ass, which caused me to swallow my 9mm casing.

I then tried to roll to my right, but didn't want to scuff my holster, so I just threw myself into a telephone pole, but I landed on my right side anyway. So I fired one shot towards the woman's SUV to pin them down as I recovered my wind.

Before the mother knew what was happening, I charged her and I threw my groin into her knee. I knew that as I vomited on the ground in front of her that I had interrupted her OODA loop, and I had the advantage now. As she ran screaming for the Girl Scout (I knew she was going for backup) I made for my super-charged BRAT tactical truck.

I jumped into the driver seat, forgetting that I had left my rare Israeli contract AR 15 Bayonet on the seat (honed to a razors edge). I could handle it though; half my ass is an implant from war wounds. As I attempted to start my truck, police and paramedics arrived on the scene.

My truck would not start and instead backfired once and caused the police to taze me.

At this point, I tactically soiled myself while in convulsions. My custom 1911 then fell out the window, but I still had my Centennial .38. I knew then that I had to take out the woman with the purse. So I aimed my revolver at her, at which point the first police officer fired once striking me in the chest. Fortunately, I was wearing my level 3A body armor.

I didn't want to hurt the cops, they had obviously been duped by the evil temptress who was now embracing her partner in crime and crying to the police in the background - I knew it was a ruse. I pulled out my concealed weapons permit badge and showed it to the officer who shot me and yelled out "I'm one of you guys!!!" He continued to cover me, and ordered me to drop my 38 so I laid it down. After all, I still had my bayonet attached to my ass. The cop walked toward me, and upon reading the badge maced me right in the eyes.

Fortunately, my Oakley shooting glasses stopped most of the spray and I was able to rip free of the Taser cords easily. It only cost me one nipple...easily replaced. I dove for the passenger side of my truck and began to run zig zag for a ditch. Unfortunately, the bayonet sticking out of my ass slowed me down. I knew it would have to be hand-to-hand now.

I knew the cop couldn't take me when I saw he merely carried a Glock 17, not a man's gun. So I immediately threw my eye into his right hook, followed by a knee into his mag light. As I lay thrashing on the ground, I took the heel of my Bates enforcer boot and kicked at the cops ankle. I knew from my classified experiences in Tajikistan that once I broke his ankle, the cop would fall down and I could "stun kick" him in the head, knocking him out but not hurting him.

Apparently the cop had also been to Tajikistan, because he side stepped me and struck me in the back with his ASP baton, but my trauma plate absorbed it. I then drew my Benchmade auto knife and was promptly tased again, but I was ready for it this time and only wet myself a little bit. Next thing those cops knew, I was unconscious.

That'll teach 'em."

 

[gaspasser]

This one might be a tad above some people's heads:
Two soldiers walk into a bar, the third ducked.

 

[gaspasser]

Here's one for the Paras:
Two Airborne troopers were sitting at the bar in the Legion after a Remebrance Day parade.  They're having a few too many and arguing over which one is the better jumper. 
"I've dropped from 8,00 feet freefall and had to use my reserver". 
"Well, I've dropped from 10,000 and had to use my buddies reserve"
On and on it goes when an Ol' godger stoically bellies up to the bar in his maroon blaser adorned with wings and orders a pint. The troopers look at the ol' man and taunt him about thier exploits.  "How many jumps you god old man?"
"One,
...................Normandy"

 

[Red 6]

One of my buddies who's still on active duty sent this to me. it's too funny not to post.

How to Prepare for a Deployment to Iraq

1. Sleep on a cot in the garage.

2. Replace the garage door with a curtain.

3. Six hours after you go to sleep, have your wife or girlfriend whip open the curtain, shine a flashlight in your eyes and mumble, "Sorry, wrong cot."

4. Renovate your bathroom. Hang a green plastic sheet down from the middle of your bathtub and move the showerhead down to chest level. Keep four inches of soapy cold water on the floor. Stop cleaning the toilet and pee everywhere but in the toilet itself. Leave two to three sheets of toilet paper. Or for best effect, remove it altogether. For a more realistic deployed bathroom experience, stop using your bathroom and use a neighbor's. Choose a neighbor who lives at least a quarter mile away.

5. When you take showers, wear flip-flops and keep the lights off.

6. Every time there is a thunderstorm, go sit in a wobbly rocking chair and dump dirt on your head.

7. Put lube oil in your humidifier instead of water and set it on "HIGH" for that tactical generator smell.

8. Don't watch TV except for movies in the middle of the night. Have your family vote on which movie to watch and then show a different one.

9. Leave a lawnmower running in your living room 24 hours a day for proper noise level.

10. Have the paperboy give you a haircut.

11. Once a week, blow compressed air up through your chimney making sure the wind carries the soot across and on to your neighbor's house. Laugh at him when he curses you.

12. Buy a trash compactor and only use it once a week. Store up garbage in the other side of your bathtub.

13. Wake up every night at midnight and have a peanut butter and jelly sandwich on a saltine cracker.

14. Make up your family menu a week ahead of time without looking in your food cabinets or refrigerator. Then serve some kind of meat in an unidentifiable sauce poured over noodles. Do this for every meal.

15. Set your alarm clock to go off at random times during the night. When it goes off, jump out of bed and get to the shower as fast as you can. Simulate there is no hot water by running out into your yard and breaking out the garden hose.

16. Once a month, take every major appliance completely apart and put it back together again.

17. Use 18 scoops of coffee per pot and allow it to sit for five or six hours before drinking.

18. Invite at least 185 people you don't really like because of their strange hygiene habits to come and visit for a couple of months. Exchange clothes with them.

19. Have a fluorescent lamp installed on the bottom of your coffee table and lie under it to read books.

20. Raise the thresholds and lower the top sills of your front and back doors so that you either trip over the threshold or hit your head on the sill every time you pass through one of them.

21. Keep a roll of toilet paper on your night stand and bring it to the bathroom with you. And bring your gun and a flashlight.

22. Go to the bathroom when you just have to pass gas, "just in case." Every time.

23. Announce to your family that they have mail, have them report to you as you stand outside your open garage door after supper and then say, "Sorry, it's for the other Smith."

24. Wash only 15 items of laundry per week. Roll up the semi-wet clean clothes in a ball. Place them in a cloth sack in the corner of the garage where the cat pees. After a week, unroll them and without ironing or removing the mildew, proudly wear them to professional meetings and family gatherings. Pretend you don't know what you look or smell like. Enthusiastically repeat the process for another week.

25. Go to the worst crime-infested place you can find, go heavily armed, wearing a flak jacket and a Kevlar helmet. Set up shop in a tent in a vacant lot. Announce to the residents that you are there to help them.

26. Eat a single M&M every Sunday and convince yourself it's for Malaria.

27. Demand each family member be limited to 10 minutes per week for a morale phone call. Enforce this with your teenage daughter.

28. Shoot a few bullet holes in the walls of your home for proper ambiance.

29. Sandbag the floor of your car to protect from mine blasts and fragmentation.

30. While traveling down roads in your car, stop at each overpass and culvert and inspect them for remotely detonated explosives before proceeding.

31. Fire off 50 cherry bombs simultaneously in your driveway at 3:00 a.m. When startled neighbors appear, tell them all is well, you are just registering mortars. Tell them plastic will make an acceptable substitute for their shattered windows.

32. Drink your milk and sodas warm.

33. Spread gravel throughout your house and yard.

34. Make your children clear their Super Soakers in a clearing barrel you placed outside the front door before they come in.

35. Make your family dig a survivability position with overhead cover in the backyard. Complain that the 4x4s are not 8 inches on center and make them rebuild it.

36. Continuously ask your spouse to allow you to go buy an M-Gator.

37. When your 5-year-old asks for a stick of gum, have him find the exact stick and flavor he wants on the Internet and print out the web page. Type up a Form 9 and staple the web page to the back. Submit the paperwork to your spouse for processing. After two weeks, give your son the gum.

38. Announce to your family that the dog is a vector for disease and shoot it. Throw the dog in a burn pit you dug in your neighbor's back yard.

39. Wait for the coldest/ hottest day of the year and announce to your family that there will be no heat/air conditioning that day so you can perform much needed maintenance on the heater/ air conditioner. Tell them you are doing this so they won't get cold/ hot.

40. Just when you think you're ready to resume a normal life, order yourself to repeat this process for another six months to simulate the next deployment you've been ordered to support.

 

[GAP]

Just some fun for a sunday morning

THIRTY LINES TO MAKE YOU SMILE

1.. My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He
thought he was God and I didn't.

2.. I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.

3.. I Work Hard Because Millions On Welfare Depend on Me!

4.. Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill
them.

5.. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
6.. Don't take life too seriously; no one gets out alive.

7.. You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me

8.. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.

9.. Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.

10.. I'm not a complete idiot -- Some parts are missing.
11.. Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.

12. NyQuil, the stuffy, sneezy,
why-the-heck-is-the-room-spinning medicine.

13.. God must love stupid people; He made so many.

14.. The gene pool could use a little chlorine.

15.. Consciousness: That annoying time between naps
16.. Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?

17.. Being "over the hill" is much better than being under it!

18.. Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I
Grew up.

19.. Procrastinate Now!

20.. I Have a Degree in Liberal Arts; Do You Want Fries With
That?
21.. A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

22.. A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance

23.. Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere!

24..They call it PMS because MadCow Disease was already taken.

25..He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless dead.                                                           

26..A picture is worth a thousand words, but it uses up three
thousand times the memory.

27..Ham and eggs. A day's work for a chicken, a lifetime
commitment for a pig.

28.. The trouble with life is there's no background music.

29.. The original point and click interface was a Smith and
Wesson.

30.. I smile because I don't know what the hell is going
on.

 

[snowy]

make me laugh ;D

A young women who was several months pregnant boarded a bus. She noticed a young man smiling
at her and began to feel humiliated on account of her condition.She changed her seat and he seemed more amused.
She moved again, and then on her fourth move, he brust out laughing. She had him arrested.
When the case came before the court, the young man was asked why he acted in such a manner.His reply was;
When the lady boarded the bus, i could'nt help noticing she was pregnant.She sat under an advertisement that read, "coming soon: The Gold Dust Twins." Then she moved under a sign that read,
"Sloan's liminents removes Swelling."
I was even more amused when she sat under a shaving advertisement that read, "Williams Stick did The Trick."
Then i could not control myself any longer when, on the fourth move, she sat under an advertisement that read, " Dunlop Rubber would have prevented This Accident."

The case was dismissed ;D

 

[snowy]

no offence, its just a joke

Q. Why is it so hard to find men that are Sensitive, Caring and Good-looking?
A. Because those men already have boyfriends. ;D

 

[Chaz]

Bahahhaha
This one is old, but still good for a chuckle
A bear and a rabbit are taking a shit in the woods.
The bear turns to the rabbit and says, "Excuse me. Do you have problems with shit sticking to your fur?"
The rabbit says "No"
So the bear wipes his ass with the rabbit.
;D

 

[Inspir]

The Classic Guy Flow Chart

 

[Inspir]

Movie: End of the World

http://www.funnyjunk.com/pages/world.htm

PS: Need sound  ;D

 

[snowy]

two moron are riding around looking for a place to have a picnic. one moron says, "hey, lets have it over there , under that tree." the other moron says, "no, no, lets have it in the middle of the road." they fought and came to a decision to have it in the middle of the road. not long afterwards a car came speeding towards them, swerved off the road and ran into the tree. one moron says, "see if we were over there we would be dead by now."
;D

 

[Michael OLeary]

PLEASE READ THE CONDUCT GUIDELINES BEFORE POSTING.

In a nutshell, the hard and fast rules are as follows:

    * You will not post any information that is offensive, defamatory, inaccurate, abusive, vulgar, hateful, harassing, obscene, profane, sexually oriented, threatening, invasive of a person's privacy, or otherwise violative of any law.

    * You will not post links to sites whose content is in violation of the above rules.

    * Postings which are deemed inappropriate may be modified or removed.

    * Users that ignore these rules or otherwise act inappropriately may be placed on warning or banned.

 

[Red 6]

This Marine rifle company was out in the field getting ready to deploy overseas. The skipper and the company gunny were hooching together and they zipped into their sleeping bags to hit the sack for the night.

The gunny looks at the captain and says, "Sir, take a look up and tell me what you see."

The skipper replies, "I see millions of stars Gunny."

Gunny asks,"What does that tell you sir."

The skipper replies, "Well Gunny, it tells me we're going to have a great day of training tomorrow since there isn't a cloud in the sky. All those stars make me think of all the Marines who have served the Corps so faithfully over the years. I also think of God up above looking down on us."

The skipper paused for a second and then asked the Gunny, "Gunny, when you look up at the stars what do you think about."

The Gunny looked up at the sky and over at the skipper. "Well sir," the Gunny said, "looking at them stars up there makes me think some a**hole stole our f***in' tent."

 

[Red 6]

Here's another good one for all the senior NCO's:

An old crusty SgtMaj found himself at a gala event hosted by a local liberal arts college. There was no shortage of extremely young, idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached him for conversation.
"Excuse me Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man. Is something bothering you?"
"Negative ma'am, just serious by nature."
The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, "It looks like you have seen alot of action."
"Yes ma'am, alot of action."
The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation said, "You know you should lighten up a little. Relax and enjoy yourself."
The Sgt Maj just stared at her in his serious manner. Finally the young lady said, "You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but when was the last time you had sex?"
"1955, ma'am."
"Well, there you are. You really need to chill out and quit taking everything so seriously! I mean, no sex since 1955??"
She took his hand and led him to a private room where she proceeded to "Relax" him several times.
Afterwards, panting for breath, she leaned against his chest and said, "WOW, you sure didn't forget much since 1955!!"
The Sgt Maj, glancing at his watch said in his matter of fact voice, " I hope not, it's only 2130 now."

 

[GAP]

I think this has been posted before, but I couldn't find it with 2 hands and a flashlight...

Military Common Sense Rules

A lot of life's problems can be explained by the U.S. Military and its applications of common sense ...

1. "Sometimes I think war is God's way of teaching us geography."
(Paul Rodriguez)

2. "A slipping gear could let your M203 grenade launcher fire when you least expect it. That would make you quite unpopular in what's left of your unit."
(Army's magazine of preventive maintenance ).

3. "Aim towards the Enemy."
(Instruction printed on US M79 Rocket Launcher)

4. When the pin is pulled, Mr. Grenade is not our friend.
(U.S. Marine Corps)

5. Cluster bombing from B-52s is very, very accurate. The bombs always hit the ground.
(U.S. Air Force)

6. If the enemy is in range, so are you.
(Infantry Journal)

7. It is generally inadvisable to eject directly over the area you just bombed.
(US Air Force Manual)

8. Whoever said the pen is mightier than the sword obviously never encountered automatic weapons.
(Gen. MacArthur)

9. Try to look unimportant; they may be low on ammo.
(Infantry Journal)

10. You, you, and you . . . Panic. The rest of you, come with me.
(Marine Gunnery Sergeant)

11. Tracers work both ways.
(US Army Ordnance)

12. Five second fuses only last three seconds.
(Infantry Journal)

13. Don't ever be the first, don't ever be the last, and don't ever volunteer to do anything.
(US Navy Seaman)

14. Bravery is being the only one who knows you're afraid.
(David Hackworth)

15. If your attack is going too well, you have walked into an ambush.
(Infantry Journal)

16. No combat ready unit has ever passed inspection.
(Joe Gay)

17. Any ship can be a minesweeper... once.
(Admiral Hornblower)

18. Never tell the Platoon Sergeant you have nothing to do.
(Unknown Marine Recruit)

19. Don't draw fire; it irritates the people around you.
(Your Buddies)

20. Mines are equal opportunity weapons.
(Army Platoon Sergeant)

21. If you find yourself in a fair fight, you didn't plan your mission properly.
(David Hackworth)

22. Your job is to kill the other person before they kill you so that your national leaders can negotiate a peace that will last as long as it takes the ink to dry.
(Drill Instructor)

23. In the Navy, the Chief is always right.
(Written on the door into the Chiefs quarters) 

 

[George Wallace]

U.S.Navy releases Al Qaeda Terrorist - I can't believe it!!!!!

The US Navy today announced that it has released a senior
Al Qaeda terrorist after questioning him extensively for 27 days
while being held prisoner aboard a US aircraft carrier in the
Arabian Sea ..
In a humanitarian gesture, the terrorist was given $50 US
and a white 1962 Ford Fairlane automobile upon being released from
custody.
        The attached photo shows the terrorist on his way home
just after being released by the Navy.

GO NAVY!!!

 

[Red 6]

In the US Army, we use a system called the Noncommissioned Officer Evaluation Report to rate performance and conduct. It's based on a series of performance levesl and uses bullet comments to support which blcoks the rater has checked. Here are some funny bullets. I doubt any of these were actually on a real report. You want to hope the senior rater would've picked it out and sent the NCOER back to the rater for revision. Anyway, here ya'll go:


His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of curiosity.

Is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a definitely won't-be.

this NCO could not shoot the muzzle plug off his own gun tube
He demonstrates the unique ability to de-motivate soldiers at a moment's notice

he displays no morale courage and cries in formation

I know of no national emergency that would justify promoting this NCO above his current grade

When she opens her mouth, it seems that this is only to change whichever foot was previously in there.

He has carried out each and every one of his duties to his entire satisfaction.

He would be out of his depth in a car park puddle.

He reminds me very much of gyroscope -- always spinning around at a frantic pace, but not really going anywhere.

This young lady has delusions of adequacy.

Since my last report, he has reached rock bottom and has started to dig.

She sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.

He has the wisdom of youth and the energy of old age.

He should go far, and the sooner he starts, the better.

Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap.

This man is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot

If brains were C4 he would not have enough to blow his nose

 

[vonGarvin]

Two morons are sleeping on a cliff: a Big moron and a little moron.  One fell off to his death.

Which one died?

The big one.

Why?

Because the other was a little more on



:dontpanic:

 

[orange.paint]

a crusty old sergeant is at a gala event,when a sexy young woman approaches him.

"It looks like you've seen a lot of action,"she says,examining his medals.
"Not to pry,but when did you last have sex?"
"nineteen-fifty-five"the seargent replies.
"No sex since 1955?"she exclaims."Thats too long!"
she leads him to a back room and jumps his bones.
Afterward she pants,"wow,you didnt forget much since 1955!"
The sgt glances at his watch and says"I hope not,it's only 2130 now."