A Collection Of Army.ca Humour - including SKIPPY'S DAMN LIST AGAIN!!

[PMedMoe]

Government Job

A guy goes to the Post Office to apply for a job.

The interviewer asks him, "Are you allergic to anything?"

He replies, "Yes, caffeine."

"Have you ever been in the military service?"

"Yes," he says, "I was in Iraq for two years."

The interviewer says, "That will give you 5 extra points toward employment."

Then he asks, "Are you disabled in any way?"

The guy says, "Yes...an IED exploded near me and I lost both of my testicles."

The interviewer grimaces and then says, "O.K.  You've got enough points for me to hire you right now. Our normal hours are from 8:00 A.M. to 4 P.M.  You can start tomorrow at 10:00 - and plan on starting at 10:00 A.M. every day."

The guy is puzzled and says, "If the work hours are from 8:00 A.M. to 4:00 P.M., why don't you want me to here until 10:00 A.M.?"

"This is a government job." the interviewer says, "For the first two hours, we just stand around drinking coffee and scratching our balls.  No point in you coming in for that."

;D

 

[Gunnar]

MEMORANDUM FOR:  Major Big High Guy

FROM:  The drunk fool in Hawaii
SUBJECT:  After Actions Report
1. TYPE OF OPERATION:  Goat Rope Boondogle & some real work.
2. DATE OF OPERATION:  21 Sept 08 thru 27 Sept 08 (21 Sept and 27 Sept reserved as travel days).
3. LOCATION: Mary’s House of Pasties, Waikiki Police station, Madame Ho’s Massage facility. Hawaii.
4. CONTROL HEADQUARTERS:  I Love This Bar & Grill
5. UNITS INVOLVED:  A couple of units that I can’t remember, Big Island Liquor.
6. SUPPORTING FORCES:  Dukes den of Tattoo’s.
7. CONCEPT OF OPERATION:  In conjunction with the Local Unit  and the Other Local Unit personnel, MSgt John Wayne and SrA James Jones performed troubleshooting and functional testing of some equipment they didn’t know how to use and Microsoft Solitare system long-haul connectivity between Hawaii, and somewhere in MO.  The idea was then to find ways to justify an additional 4 days on the island to get at tan
8. EXECUTION:  Daily entries made in lieu of a Master Station Log.
Travel day and arrival at Waikiki, HI - 21 September 2008.
Day 1 – (Monday, September 22, 2008).  Slept, woke up and surfed porn, slept some more. At noon went to beach and slept. Woke up, applied coconut oil, slept. Woke up, ate snack, drank dinner, surfed porn, slept.
Day 2 – (Tuesday, September 23, 2008).  Met with and discussed further firewall procedures and technologies with SSgt Smart Guy and SSgt. Other Smart Guy.  Meanwhile, TSgt Bob back at home did some actual work to configure the Missouri firewall. SSgt Hard Worker and SSgt New Guy powered up and configured the highly advance and confusing systems.  Network traffic was then monitored on the firewalls to determine actual utilization.  An additional port was discovered in the firewalls logs as specifically required for connectivity between Missouri and Hawaii.  That port was then added to the firewall Service Groups.  Once network activity was confirmed, we worked for another 5 minutes before leaving the building.  After that hour, went back to beach, slept, drank, got sand kicked on face by Japanese tourist girl, went to hotel and surfed porn.
Day 3 – (Wednesday, September 24, 2008).  Called Missouri to make sure everything was working and stayed an extra day, “Just in case”.  Hung up phone, surfed porn. MSgt. Wayne went scuba diving, SrA Jones went looking for Tattoo parlor he found while surfing porn.  Drank, slept.
Day 4 – (Thursday, September 25, 2008).  SSgt Other Smart Guy continued with the overview and demonstration of the highly technical and confusing systems applications and theory of operation.  While SSgt. Rocket Scientist worked, MSgt. Wayne went scuba diving againg and SrA Jones drank heavily wishing he had not visited the tattoo parlor. Ate dinner, drank, surfed porn, slept some more.
Day 5 – (Friday, September 26, 2008).  Return flight to Missouri Got drunk, slept.
Day 6 - (Saturday, September 27, 2008).  Arrive at HOR early morning, drank, surfed porn, slept.

9. RESULTS:

OVERALL TRAINING:  Good training opportunity for firewall configuration. Maybe next time can take advantage of it. Opportunities existed to learn stuff we will never ever use. Maybe next time can take advantage of it .  UTC qualification and proficiency on firewalls was signed off anyway to make it look good.

OPERATIONS:  The TDY really Rocked!

TRAINING EFFFECTIVENESS RATING:  Yeah, whatever.

10.  ADMINISTRATIVE MATTERS:

Hawaii AFB POC Information:
Networks - SSgt Smart Guy
Networks - SSgt Other Smart Guy
Confusing System – SrA LowManOn TotemPole
Highly Advanced Chat Room Director - SSgt Rocket Scientist

11. SPECIAL REQUIRMENTS, TECHNIQUES AND EQUIPMENT:

Scuba Equipment
Liquor
Sun Tan Lotion
Band-Aids

12. RECOMMENDATIONS/LESSONS LEARNED:

With the information gleaned from this trip, Network Technicians Wayne and Jones will be able to more rapidly and accurately take advantage of further TDYs to exotic and remote locations around the world.

JAMES S. JONES, SRA
PSEUDO MILITARY

Addendum 1 - Total cost of trip including reimbusement for special requirements $41,519.41 to be paid in full by American Tax Payers.

 

[ExSarge]

----this is funny & obviously written by a Former Soldier----
 
 
New Direction for any war: Send Service Vets over 60! 
   
I am over 60 and the Armed Forces thinks I'm too old to track down terrorists.. You can't be older than 42 to join the military. They've got the whole thing ass-backwards. Instead of sending 18-year olds off to fight, they ought to take us old guys. You shouldn't be able to join a military unit until you're at least 35. 
   
For starters: Researchers say 18-year-olds think about sex every 10 seconds.  Old guys only think about sex a couple of times a day, leaving us more than 28,000 additional seconds per day to concentrate on the enemy. 
   
Young guys haven't lived long enough to be cranky, and a cranky soldier is a dangerous soldier. 'My back hurts!  I can't sleep, I'm tired and hungry' We are impatient and maybe letting us kill some asshole that desperately deserves it will make us feel better and shut us up for a while.
     
An 18-year-old doesn't even like to get  up before 10 a.m. Old guys always get up early to pee so what the hell. Besides, like I said, 'I'm tired and can't sleep and since I'm already up, I may as well be up killing some fanatical s-of-a-b....
     
If  captured we couldn't spill the beans because we'd forget where we put them. In fact, name, rank, and serial number would be a real brainteaser.
     
Boot camp would be easier for old guys.  We're used to getting screamed and yelled at and we're used to soft food. We've also developed an appreciation for guns. We've been using them for years as an excuse to get out of the house, away from the screaming and yelling.
     
They could lighten up on the obstacle course however. I've been in combat and didn't see a single 20-foot wall with rope hanging over the side, nor did I ever do any pushups after completing basic training.
   
Actually, the running part is kind of a waste of energy, too. I've never seen anyone outrun a bullet.
   
An 18-year-old has the whole world ahead of him. He's still learning to shave, to start up a conversation with a pretty girl.  He still hasn't figured out that a baseball cap has a brim to shade his eyes, not the back of his head..
   
 
These are all great reasons to keep our kids at home to learn a little more about life before sending them off into harm's way.
   
Let us old guys track down those dirty rotten coward terrorists. The last thing an enemy would want to see is a couple of million pissed off old farts with attitudes and automatic weapons who know that their best years are already behind them.
   
***How about recruiting Women over 50 ...with Menapause !!! You think Men have attitudes !!! Ohhhhhhhhhhhh my God!!!
 
 
If nothing else, put us on border patrol....we  will have it secured the first night!
     
Share this with your senior friends. It's purposely in big type so they can read it.

 

[dh101]

Here are some funny jokes i did not write. They may be offensive to some people some of them
Canadians/Americans army jokes
1. How many Canadian soldiers does it screw in a light bulb?  1 if his ladder doesn’t break!
2. Why did Stephen Harper deploy the Canadian army to Haiti?  to get their guns back
3. Canadians army is so advance they have the new 3 ton fridge size .0056k modem today...
4. What does Canadian army equipment, and Ethiopian’s legs have in common? They both break every time you try and use them
5. Why do American soldiers hate getting new boots from supply?... because they have to dig the old feet out of them.
6. How many American soldiers does it take to avenge the 2,973 dead people in 9/11?  2974
7. How many Americans does it to screw in a light bulb? 200 soldiers, an Abram tank, an F-22, 8 trillion dollar’s and 12 Iraqi slaves to do it for them.
8. Going to war without Canada is like going fishing without a spoon.
9. You know when you’re an American soldier when you run out of bullets you get a new gun instead of reloading it…
10. How does an American soldier fix his problem? He first makes it worst and then sends the Canadian…
11. Why do auroras have 4 engines? in case 3 break
12. What does an American pilot do when they fly an F-22? Well they... take off.. no thats the computer.... they navigate...no computer... they fly ... no autopilot... fire the weapons no still computer.... I KNOW THEY GET Paid!
13. Why does Canada have a navy? to make our air force look good
14. Why did the submariner go to Wal-Mart to buy 9v batteries? To replace the old ones in there fire alarms!
15. Why did the submariner to go home hardware? to get a new screen door for the sub!
16. What’s the difference between a really old British submarine, and a brand new Canadian submarine? None
17. Why do American soldiers put plugs in their guns when they come to Canada? so they dont shoot us by mistake.
18. Why do American soldiers don’t care if they shoot us? Because we have healthcare.
19. Why did the Canadians complain when they got there new 2nd hand aircrafts? Because the blimp didn’t come with helium.
20. Why was the Canadian soldier happy when the GST went down?    Because he can afford his gun now
21. An F-18 is escorting a flying fortress. The F-18 pilot does some fancy maneuvers and talks to the flying fortress’ pilots and says, anything you can do I can do better. The flying fortress pilots shut down 2 engines and says Try that one
22. Why did the Canadian soldiers buy a life time supply of garbage bags? So they could fix there auroras.
23. Why did the Canadian soldier leave the army? They can’t pay him any more.
24. Why do Canadian soldiers jealous of American soldiers? Cause they got guns.
25. Why was the Canadian soldier ducking under a bench praying? Because a Sea-king was flying over head.
26. Why did the Canadian soldier cross the Afghan road?  To get to TimHortons
27. Knock Knock... whos there?  Canadian forces.... HAHAHAHhahhahahahhhhaaaaahhh..ahha!!!
28. What does a paratrooper and a sea-king have in common?... They both fall out of the sky on a regular basis.
29. Hey dad you know any good Canadian military jokes?  Hmmmm just the officers.
30.

 

[MikeL]

Marine sings to pizza delivery girl


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZoAf7dxt-DU&feature=related

 

[PMedMoe]

I still like this one:

VAW-116 Hawkeye Squadron's video of Outkast's Hey Ya

This is also Hawkeye Sqn:

Navy Carrier Squadron "Pump It"

and another group:

VAW-113 Black Eagles' version of the All American Rejects "Move Along"

 

[Michael OLeary]

Heavyweight gets old-school on pencil-neck runner

 

[Dennis Ruhl]

As an 80 something relative said:

You know that stuff they put in our food during the war? It's starting to work now.

 

[Dissident]

Inspection this morning:

"Look at your boots, now look at mine, look at your boots, now back to mine. Sadly your boots don't look like my boots, but if you started to clean them and used shoe polish, they could look like mine. Look down, back up: Your beret is covered with lint. Open your hand, what is in it? A bunch of threads I took off your uniform. Look again, it is full of the dust bunnies you like so much. Anything is possible when you inspect a recruit course.

I'm on a short fuse."

 

[vonGarvin]

Inspection this morning:

"Look at your boots, now look at mine, look at your boots, now back to mine. Sadly your boots don't look like my boots, but if you started to clean them and used shoe polish, they could look like mine. Look down, back up: Your beret is covered with lint. Open your hand, what is in it? A bunch of threads I took off your uniform. Look again, it is full of the dust bunnies you like so much. Anything is possible when you inspect a recruit course.

I'm on a short fuse."

:rofl:  Now that, my friends, is humour!

 

[Haggis]

Inspection this morning:

"Look at your boots, now look at mine, look at your boots, now back to mine. Sadly your boots don't look like my boots, but if you started to clean them and used shoe polish, they could look like mine. Look down, back up: Your beret is covered with lint. Open your hand, what is in it? A bunch of threads I took off your uniform. Look again, it is full of the dust bunnies you like so much. Anything is possible when you inspect a recruit course.

I'm on a short fuse."

:rofl:
My son is on his DP1 Infantry as we speak.  Now, I have this incredibly funny word picture in my mind of how his morning just went.