A Collection Of Army.ca Humour - including SKIPPY'S DAMN LIST AGAIN!!

[Red 6]

a crusty old sergeant is at a gala event,when a sexy young woman approaches him.

"It looks like you've seen a lot of action,"she says,examining his medals.
"Not to pry,but when did you last have sex?"
"nineteen-fifty-five"the seargent replies.
"No sex since 1955?"she exclaims."Thats too long!"
she leads him to a back room and jumps his bones.
Afterward she pants,"wow,you didnt forget much since 1955!"
The sgt glances at his watch and says"I hope not,it's only 2130 now."

I already did that one in July. See below:

Here's another good one for all the senior NCO's:

An old crusty SgtMaj found himself at a gala event hosted by a local liberal arts college. There was no shortage of extremely young, idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached him for conversation.
"Excuse me Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man. Is something bothering you?"
"Negative ma'am, just serious by nature."
The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, "It looks like you have seen alot of action."
"Yes ma'am, alot of action."
The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation said, "You know you should lighten up a little. Relax and enjoy yourself."
The Sgt Maj just stared at her in his serious manner. Finally the young lady said, "You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but when was the last time you had sex?"
"1955, ma'am."
"Well, there you are. You really need to chill out and quit taking everything so seriously! I mean, no sex since 1955??"
She took his hand and led him to a private room where she proceeded to "Relax" him several times.
Afterwards, panting for breath, she leaned against his chest and said, "WOW, you sure didn't forget much since 1955!!"
The Sgt Maj, glancing at his watch said in his matter of fact voice, " I hope not, it's only 2130 now."

 

[George Wallace]

WARNING - PAY CLOSE ATTENTION:

Middle East

    This morning, from a cave somewhere in Pakistan, Taliban Minister of
Migration, Mohammed Omar, warned Canada that if military action against Afghanistan
continues, Taliban authorities will cut off Canada's supply of convenience
store managers. And if this action does not yield sufficient results, cab
drivers will be next, followed by Bell customer service reps.

It's getting ugly out there.

 

[big bad john]

Save water, shower with a Marine.

Heaven won't take us and Hell's afraid we'll take over.

RM: When it absolutely, positively must be destroyed overnight.

 
When in doubt, empty the magazine.


 
To err is human, to forgive is divine, however neither is Royal Marines policy.


 
Happiness is a belt-fed weapon.


 
There are two types of people: Marines, and those that wish they were.


 
Martyrs or Marines, who do you think will get the virgins?


 
All men are created equal, then some become Marines.


It's not an attitude problem, we are that good.

 
Royal Marines: Travel agents to Allah.


 
First Iraq, then France.


 
We're Marines, we took Iwo Jima, Baghdad ain't shit." (Gen. Kelly U.S.M.C.)


It's God's job to forgive Bin Laden, it's our job to arrange the meeting.

 
Sergeants think their only flaw is their excessive modesty.


Except for ending slavery, Fascism, Nazism, and Communism, war has never solved anything."

 

[big bad john]

The British Military writes EPRs which are officer fitness reports.

The form used for Royal Navy and Marines fitness reports is the S206. The following are actual excerpts taken from people's "206s"....

His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of curiosity.

I would not breed from this Officer.

This Officer is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a definitely won't-be.

When she opens her mouth, it seems that this is only to change whichever foot was previously in there.

He has carried out each and every one of his duties to his entire satisfaction.

He would be out of his depth in a car park puddle.

Technically sound, but socially impossible.

This Officer reminds me very much of a gyroscope - always spinning around at a frantic pace, but not really going anywhere.

This young lady has delusions of adequacy.

When he joined my ship, this Officer was something of a granny; since then he has aged considerably.

Since my last report he has reached rock bottom, and has started to dig.

She sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.

He has the wisdom of youth, and the energy of old age.

This Officer should go far - and the sooner he starts, the better.

In my opinion this pilot should not be authorized to fly below 250 feet.

This man is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.

The only ship I would recommend this man for is citizenship.

Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap.


Source: "Jackspeak: The Pusser's Rum Guid to Royal Navy Slanguage" by Rick Jolly, 1989.

 

[Good2Golf]

BBJ, add this one to the Brit Hit List...

"The RAF needs more officers like Flt.Lt Jones....but not too many more."

G2G

 

[retd cpl wife]

Picture this
Robin Williams, wearing a shirt that says "I love New York" in Arabic.
You gotta love Robin Williams......
Even if he's nuts! Leave it to Robin
Williams to come up with the perfect
plan. What we need now is for our
UN Ambassador to stand up and
repeat this message.

Robin Williams' plan...(Hard to
argue with this logic!)

"I see a lot of people yelling for peace
but I have not heard of a plan for
peace. So, here's one plan."

1) "The US will apologize to the world for our "interference" in their affairs, past & present. You know, Hitler, Mussolini, Stalin, Tojo, Noriega, Milosevic, Hussein, and the rest of those "good 'ole' boys", we will never "interfere" again.

2) We will withdraw our troops from all over the world, starting with Germany, South Korea, the Middle East, and the Philippines. They don't want us there. We would station troops at our borders. No one allowed sneaking through holes in the fence.

3) All illegal aliens have 90 days to get their affairs together and leave.We'll give them a free trip home. After 90 days the remainder will be gathered up and deported immediately, regardless of whom or where they are. They're illegal!!! France will welcome them.

4) All future visitors will be thoroughly checked and limited to 90 days unless given a special permit!!!! No one from a terrorist nation will be allowed in. If you don't like it there, change it yourself and don't hide here. Asylum would never be available to anyone. We don't need any more cab drivers or 7-11 cashiers.

5) No foreign "students" over age 21. The older ones are the bombers. If they don't attend classes, they get a "D" and it's back home baby.

6) The US will make a strong effort to become self-sufficient energy wise. This will include developing non polluting sources of energy but will require a temporary drilling of oil in the Alaskan wilderness. The caribou will have to cope for a while .

7) Offer Saudi Arabiaand other oil producing countries $10 a barrel for their oil. If they don't like it, we go someplace else. They can go somewhere else to sell their production. (About a week of the wells filling up the storage sites would be enough.)

8) If there is a famine or other natural catastrophe in the world, we will not "interfere." They can pray to Allah or whomever, for seeds, rain, cement or what ever they need. Besides most of what we give them is stolen or given
to the army. The people who need it most get very little, if anything.

9) Ship the UN Headquarters to an isolated island someplace. We don't need the spies and fair weather friends here. Besides, the building would make a good homeless shelter or lockup for illegal aliens.

10) All Americans must go to charm and beauty school. That way, no one can call us "Ugly Americans" any longer. The Language we speak is ENGLISH...learn it...or LEAVE...Now, isn't that a winner of a plan?

"The Statue of Liberty is no longer \saying "Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses." She's got a baseball bat and she's yelling, 'you want a piece of me?' "

 

[Centurian1985]

Bastard - that was my plan for Canada!  ;D

Heres one I liked to tell (usually using the org of the buddy I was telling it to):

A Canadian is walking along the base road when he sees a flagpole and three (insert country and arm) soldiers.  The three soldiers are trying to stand on each others shoulders with the top guy trying to hold a tape measure to the top of the pole.  Its obvious they are trying to measure the flagpole.  He watches their efforts for a few minutes.  Finally, they fall down again, so he decides to help.
"Why dont you lay down the flagpole on teh ground and then meaure it?" he suggests.
The lead soldier looks at him and snarls "What do you think we are, stupid?  We want to measure the height, not the length!"

 

[pinkbug]

Beeing a woman, I thought you might enjoy the chuckle as much as I did when I stumbled upon this one.

Why Pilots Prefer Airplanes Over Women

* Airplanes usually kill you quickly; a woman takes her time.
* Airplanes can be turned on by a flick of a switch.
* Airplanes don't get mad if you do a "touch and go."
* Airplanes don't object to a pre-flight inspection.
* Airplanes come with a manual to explain their operation.
* Airplanes have strict weight and balance limitations.
* Airplanes can be flown at any time of the month.
* Airplanes don't come with in-laws.
* Airplanes don't care about how many other airplanes you've flow before.
* Airplanes and pilots both arrive at the same time.
* Airplanes don't mind if you look at other airplanes.
* Airplanes don't mind if you buy airplane magazines.
* Airplanes expect to be tied down.
* Airplanes don't comment on your piloting skills.

 

[Rodahn]

Ozone created by electric cars now killing millions in the seventh largest country in the world, Mexifornia,  formerly known as California. White minorities still trying to have English recognized as Mexifornia's third language.

Spotted Owl plague threatens northwestern United States crops and livestock.

Baby conceived naturally. Scientists stumped.

Couple petitions court to reinstate heterosexual marriage.

Last remaining Fundamentalist Muslim dies in the American Territory of the Middle East (formerly known as Iraq, Afghanistan, Syria
and Lebanon).

Iran still closed off; physicists estimate it will take at least 10 more years before radioactivity decreases to safe levels.

France pleads for global help after being taken over by Jamaica.

Castro finally dies at age 112; Cuban cigars can now be imported legally, but President Chelsea Clinton has banned all smoking.

George Z. Bush says he will run for President in 2106.

Postal Service raises price of first class stamp to $17.89 and reduces mail delivery to Wednesdays only.

85-year $75.8 billion study: Diet and Exercise is the key to weight loss.

Average weight of Americans drops to 250 lbs.

Japanese scientists have created a camera with such a fast shutter speed, they now can photograph a woman with her mouth shut.

Massachusetts executes last remaining conservative.

Supreme Court rules punishment of criminals violates their civil rights.

Average height of NBA players is now nine feet, seven inches.

New federal law requires that all nail clippers, screwdrivers, fly swatters and rolled-up newspapers must be registered by January 20106.

Congress authorizes direct deposit of formerly illegal political contributions to campaign accounts.

IRS sets lowest tax rate at 75 percent.

Florida voters still having trouble with voting machines.

 

[mover1]

China fears job loss to America.

 

[Haggis]

NDP FORMS MAJORITY GOVERNMENT
Jack Layton III new PM.

 

[sleeman]

Toronto Maple Leafs finally win the Stanley Cup

 

[mover1]

Quebec Separarates. New Deal gives Aboriginal Canadians their land back and reduces the country of Quebec to a 100 mile strip along the St Lawrence

 

[safeboy43]

A new federal Liberal government decides to open several new CF bases around Canada.

 

[Long Sword]

GM Acquires Toyota.

 

[Rodahn]

Mr. Zzyzyx is awarded the Nobel prize in chemistry for inventing dehydrated water......

 

[Jack O.]

Sylvester Stallone is brought out of cryo-freeze to star in Rocky 26.

...Old lady from Titanic turns 201.

 

[bcbarman]

Scientist claim that the global freezing threat is now at code orange

Nortel stock is now at the highest it has been in centuries, $0.39

The country of Microsoft attacked the island nation of Disney today,  Goofy commandoes are putting up a good resistance, but are being chewed up by the hourglass special forces.

 

[Rodahn]

Keith Richards to conduct speaking tour on the benefits of recreational pharmaceuticals!

 

[rmacqueen]

World will run out of oil in the next 20 years

Scientists meet to discuss global warming

Study shows only one in ten Americans know anything about Canada

Liberals promise to get rid of GST