More and more funnies.. vol: something...

[Yrys]

Russia farmer convicted of planting landmines in field

A Russian farmer has been convicted of planting landmines
around his field to ward off trespassers.


add : I thought it fas funny that he use such extreme mesures
for thief, and that he can't do it on his land.

Maybe I don't have a "commen sense" humour today...

 

[PMedMoe]

Yrys, I think your link is screwed up.

Also, why is this in the jokes thread?

 

[ENGINEERS WIFE]

 

[MikeL]

Here's a website made by a US Marine, has a weekly comic strip. It's about the USMC, but some of it relates to the CF aswell.

http://terminallance.com/

http://terminallance.com/?p=221 - Anyone who has ever used the AN/PVS 7 will relate to this one

http://terminallance.com/?p=143 - And anyone who plays Modern Warfare 2

 

[PMedMoe]

Sometime this year, we taxpayers will again receive another 'Economic Stimulus' payment.

This is indeed a very exciting program, and explained by using a Q & A format:

Q.  What is an 'Economic Stimulus' payment ?

A.  It's money the federal government will send to taxpayers.

Q. Where will the government get this money ?

A.  From taxpayers.

Q.  So the government is giving me back my own money ?

A.  Only a smidgen of it.

Q.  What is the purpose of this payment ?

A.  The plan is for you to use the money to purchase a high-definition TV set, thus stimulating the economy.

Q.  But isn't that stimulating the economy of China  ?

A.  Shut up.

Below is some helpful advice on how to best help the Canadian Economy by spending your stimulus check wisely:

*  If you spend the stimulus money at Wal-Mart, the money will go to China or Sri Lanka .

*  If you spend it on gasoline, your money will go to the Arabs.

*  If you purchase a computer, it will go to India, Taiwan or China .

*  If you purchase fruit and vegetables, it will go to Mexico, Chile, Honduras and Guatemala.

*  If you buy an efficient car, it will go to Japan or Korea.

*  If  you purchase useless stuff, it will go to Taiwan.

*  If you pay your credit cards off, or buy stock, it will go to management bonuses and they will hide it offshore.

Instead, keep the money in Canada by:

1)  Spending it at yard sales, or

2)  Going to hockey games, or

3)  Spending it on prostitutes, or

4)  Beer, or

5)  Tattoos.

(These are the only Canadian businesses still operating)

Conclusion:

Go to a Hockey game with a tattooed prostitute you met at a yard sale and drink beer all day!

 

[mariomike]

Just a joke I saw, and remember from back when we were kids.

A guy was in the doghouse with his wife, so he sent her a check payable for "1,000 hugs and kisses".
Only to receive a letter back informing him, "Thanks for the cheque. The milkman cashed it this morning." 

I guess it's kind of corny now, but looking back, we were always making up stories and jokes like that.

 

[Journeyman]

A friend sent me this link to I am awesome.com.

I seem to attract weird people sometimes.




You people know who you are  :nod:

 

[PMedMoe]

A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose, still heavily sedated from a difficult four hour surgical procedure.

A young student nurse appears to give him a partial sponge bath.

"Nurse," he mumbles, from behind the mask, "Are my testicles black?"

Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, sir.  I'm only here to wash your upper body."

He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, are my testicles black?"

Concerned that he may elevate his vitals from worry about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and sheepishly pulls back the covers.

She raises his gown, holds his penis in one hand and his testicles in the other, lifting and moving them around and around gently.

Then, she takes a close look and says, "No sir, they aren't and I assure you, there's nothing wrong with them, sir !!"

The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very slowly, "Thank you very much. That was wonderful, but listen very, very closely.....





A r e - m y - t e s t - r e s u l t s - b a c k ?" 

  ;D

 

[tango22a]

Good One, Moe!!!


tango22a

 

[observor 69]

EXERCISE FOR PEOPLE OVER 50

     
Begin by standing on a comfortable surface, where you have plenty of room at each side.
With a 5-lb potato bag in each hand, extend your arms straight out from your sides and hold them there as long as you can.
Try to reach a full minute, and then relax.

Each day you'll find that you can hold this position for just a bit longer. After a couple of weeks, move up to 10-lb potato bags.

Then try 50-lb potato bags and then eventually try to get to where you can lift a 100-lb potato bag in each hand and hold your arms straight for more than a full minute. (I'm at this level) 
 
After you feel confident at that level, put a potato in each bag.

 

[GAP]

Shorties: Stupid Human Tricks 
http://darwinawards.com/darwin/darwin2000-45.html
2000 Darwin Award Nominee
Unconfirmed by Darwin
Robert, 37, shot himself while explaining gun safety to his wife in Glendale, California, when he placed a .45-caliber pistol he thought was unloaded under his chin and pulled the trigger. Shovestall's wife told police that the incident occurred after her complaints about her husband's 70 guns prompted him to demonstrate their safety.

A 23-year-old bar-brawler who had been escorted out of the Turtle Club in Florida by a bouncer, sneaked back in and leaped off a staircase, aiming a kick at another man, but was killed when he landed on his head.

Iraqi terrorist Khay Rahnajet, didn't put enough postage on a letter bomb, and it came back marked "return to sender." He opened the package and was blown away.

Two animal rights activists were protesting the cruelty of sending pigs to a slaughterhouse in Bonn by freeing a captive herd. Suddenly all two thousand of pigs stampeded through the gate they were opening, and trampled the hapless protesters to death.

News of the Weird reports that in September 1996 a man was crushed to death on a stairway at the Sammis Real Estate and Insurance office in Huntington, N.Y., while he was stealing the office's 600-pound safe. He apparently violated that cardinal rule of hauling massive objects: Never stand on a step lower than the one the safe is on. The safe was empty at the time of the incident.

In San Jose, California, Herman, an avid hunter, used the butt of his shotgun to bash his girlfriend's windshield during an argument. But his loaded gun accidentally discharged into his stomach, killing him and ending the argument.

"I cannot help but notice that there is no problem between us that cannot be solved by your departure."

DarwinAwards.com © 1994 - 2009

 

[observor 69]

Funny or Die's Presidential Reunion :

Barack Obama gets a surprise visit in the night from ex-Presidents Bush Sr., Bush Jr., Clinton, Ford, Reagan and Carter to get a few pointers about the Consumer Financial Protection Agency and why it's so

http://www.funnyordie.com/

 

[PMedMoe]

;D

 

[xena]

It made me larf...

 

[PMedMoe]

THIS IS SPARTA!!!!

 

[PMedMoe]

:rofl:

 

[GAP]

.

 

[VIChris]

 

[Timmy!]

*Looks outside dispatch window*


You lied!!!    ;D

 

[GAP]

The Navy Invented Sex

A Marine and a sailor were sitting in a bar one day arguing over which was the superior service.

After a swig of beer the Marine says, 'Well, we had Iwo Jima.'

Arching his eyebrows, the sailor replies, 'We had the Battle of Midway.

'Not entirely true', responded the Marine. 'Some of those pilots were Marines, in fact, Henderson Field on Guadalcanal was named

after a Marine pilot killed at the Battle of Midway.'

The sailor responds, 'Point taken.'

The Marine then says, 'We Marines were born at Tunn Tavern!'

The sailor, nodding agreement, says, 'But we had John Paul Jones.'

The argument continued until the sailor comes up with what he thinks will end the discussion. With a flourish of finality he

says...... 'The Navy invented sex!'

The Marine replies, 'That is true, but it was the Marines who introduced it to women.'



You May Be a Taliban, If ...



  1. You refine heroin for a living, but you have a moral objection to beer.

  2. You own a $3,000 machine gun and $5,000 rocket launcher, but you can't afford shoes.

  3. You have more wives than teeth.

  4. You wipe your butt with your bare left hand, but consider bacon 'unclean.'

  5. You think vests come in two styles: bullet-proof and suicide.

  6. You can't think of anyone you HAVEN'T declared Jihad against.

  7. You consider television dangerous, but routinely carry explosives in your clothing.

  8. You were amazed to discover that cell phones have uses other than setting off roadside bombs.

  9. You've often uttered the phrase, 'I love what you've done with your cave.'

  10. You have nothing against women and think every man should own at least one.

  11. You bathe at least monthly whether necessary or not.

  12. You've ever had a crush on your neighbor's goat.