Merged Quotes and Sayings Thread; some useful, some junk

[jwsteele]

No military quotes yet, but my martial arts instructor (ex us marine) had a couple tree hugger types in his class one night.

Instructor:  Everybody down for 30 pushups.  Keep pace and count out loud with me
*pushups commence...about 12 go by when the students fall behind.
Student:  You're going too fast...we should be able to do them at our own pace.
Instructor:  You want to do them at your own pace?
Student:  Yes
Instructor:  Well until you can do them faster than me, you will do them at the pace I say.  Understand?
Student:  I just think we should be able to complete them on our own time.
*instructor becomes visibly annoyed
Instuctor:  OK...enough of this shit.  I don't give a flying f*** at what pace you want to do them, we're here to protect democracy...not practice it.  I run this shit...I pay the bills for this fu***** dojo...you have no say in how I run my place.  Now stop holding up the rest of this class or get lost.  Don't you have a protest somewhere?  F***!
*both students are absolutely terrified...they finish the class...leave as fast as they can...never return.

 

[CADPAT SOLDIER]

From My crazy grade 6 Gym teacher to a visibly over wieght Child

Teacher: " 4 laps Around the soccer field"
Student : "I can't I have asthma"
teacher : "Awwww Muffin.... You don't have asthma your just Fat.... Now how about those 4 laps"


For the teachers sake the kid didn't have asthma but used it as an excuse to get out of any physical activity

 

[Bomber for Life]

Sgt. Rose from 2 RCR on inspection for Leadership Coy in pet, that guy is full of the best ones.

Sgt- You have a stain in your towel. What gets stains out of towels?

Cpl- I don't know, Shout Sgt?

Sgt- Thats right Shout, lets try it (turns and faces the towel) "GET THE F*#$ OUT OF THE TOWEL STAIN"

Sgt- Nothing, guess I didn't shout lout enough, you try it.

Cpl- "GET THE F#$K OUT OF THE TOWEL!!!!!!!

SGT- Guess shout donsn't work try soap.

CPL- Yes Sgt.

 

[Uberman]

We were on patrol  one evening in Ft. Hunter Liggit (sp) in California doing ABCA training;  we had some serious brass following along on the patrol so appearances were important.  It was near the end of the four week exercise that was long and we were all tired. All of a sudden we hear the sound of a C-7 discharging a round - quickly followed by a very worried and whispered " awwww f*&King cr@p" . . . NCO looks at the offender and the offender looks at him . . . two seconds later our NCO yells out CONTACT!! and we engage the fictitious enemy. Turns out our radio man was adjusting the radio and accidently fired a round, blank of course. Saved the guy a charge parade. 

 

[Sam69]

Personal favourite:

"He is so clueless that he couldn't find a clue in a field full of clues during clue mating season."

 

[GO!!!]

Hey Pte. @#$%, anyone told you that your doing a fine job today?

No Sgt.

Wonder why?

 

[Thompson_JM]

Sgt- ..."GET THE F*#$ OUT OF THE TOWEL STAIN"...

That is truly the best quote I have ever heard......

i was crying when i read that one, from laughing so hard!

no way i could keep a straight face on that one...

 

[Bomber for Life]

Sgt. Rose from 2 RCR on inspection for Leadership Coy in pet, that guy is full of the best ones.

Sorry, thats 3 RCR

 

[Fusilier]

This one was a one shot deal, don't think I'll ever get to use it again...

QL2 Crse, all male students...me instructor

Enter - me, "female on the floor"
Seen - male candidate streaking out door with nothing on but helmet and webbing....
Heard - me "does that come in adult sizes?"

No, didn't do anything to him...he gave the course a laugh, especially as on his exit at the same time as my comment he tripped and fell flat out on the ashphalt outside...ouch!

From the dark ages of my past...summer, militia GMT trg candidate.  Inspection - does anyone remember having to stand beside the toilet you just cleaned, at attention for inspection???

Me - at attention ready for inspection
CSM - inspects uniform etc
Me - "oh yeah this is going to be good" (inside voice)
CSM - looks at toliet "what the (&$@(*&@ is this Pte"
Me - turn around (ok it was the first week of course), stick finger into brown stuff on seat, stick finger in mouth - "Shit, Sir!"
CSM - turns slightly pale, perfect right turn - exits washroom

No, it wasn't the real stuff - Nuttella works great, don't remember where I got the idea..might have been an old soldier passing it on...spent the rest of the crse CB'd, and every extra duty they could think of ....mainly cleaning toliets...was worth it to see the look on his face ;D

 

[Erborn]

In my day they used Peanut Butter
 

 

[McFarlane]

On a Cadet exchange to Scotland, in our last week we were on an england base.  Here we saw several british officers in mess dress (seemed to be coming apart due to drunkeness)

Officer: "where you guys from?"
us: "Canada"
Officer: "Oh, well, I represent the British Army, and I am wasted"

He was about 30 feet from us and yelling this out in a drunken slur

 

[R031button]

On my BMQ during a lecture on 5.56 mm ammuntion

MBdr *** "This is ball ammuntion, this is what you will use to turn Akbar's head into crimson mist and bone chips!"

 

[Kat Stevens]

JLC in WATC:

Sgt:  What's this in the breach of your rifle, Cpl?
Me: Looks like lint, Sgt.
Sgt: What are you gonna do about it?
Me: Lint only... aten-SHUN! Lint, faaaaall, out!
Sgt: walks away, speechless, shaking head....mutters"man, I hate old Cpls..."

Kat

 

[Pearson]

:dontpanic:

Most enjoyable time I have experienced on a parade square .. in Wainwright, ISCC, we used to try to
make the rest of the section lose it while Instructing drill, (I'm sure not the first group to do this or the last) giving drill with tears of laughter in your eyes  is not as you think.
Every one has heard these gems...some even repeated them... some others... all original.. there is always a classic saying or two that stick with you for ever..


referring to the not so bright ..........sharp as a bag of jello...smart as a bag of hammers.....smart like dumptruck, fast like tree..........I'm gonna be all over you like a fat kid on a smartie......

Funny now...... wayyyyyyyyyyyyy funnier then.....
Share a few with us all, I feel like a good laugh.

;D

(Comments with overt sexual connotations removed by Moderator)

 

[Gayson]

This story is from my last course, DP2 Armd Recce.

One of our Mcpsl has us presenting our kit for inspection, while wearing our gas masks, to make sure we brought everything on the kit list.

The Mcpl gets pissed of and tells us to get into MOPP 4.

One of the guys on my course had not taken BMQ in a long time and therfore misinterpreted what the Mcpl was saying.

As we rush to get our bunny suits on, to our dismay, we see the pte run across the parade square towards a closet.  After a few seconds he scrambles out with a mop and bucket and begins filling the bucket with a near by tap.

The Mcpl losses it and screams: "What the fuck are you doing pte?"

to which my buddy replies:  "I thought you said Mop Floor!?!?"

 

[Slim]

Funny story...Except that MOPP4 is an American term while TOP low, medium and high are Canadian.

Where did this actually happen?

Slim
STAFF

 

[Thompson_JM]

accually slim.. I think we've gone over to the dark side so to speak.. and IIRC we also refer to it as MOPP

 

[Slim]

accually slim.. I think we've gone over to the dark side so to speak.. and IIRC we also refer to it as MOPP

You serious?! Guess I've been away for a while!

Sorry

Slim
STAFF

 

[ZipperHead]

Funny story...Except that MOPP4 is an American term while TOP low, medium and high are Canadian.

During my basic, I learned it as MOP...

It is indeed MOPP (Mission Oriented Protective Posture), and is, AFAIK, a NATO standard.

They got rid of different nations own NBC states (TOPP low, med, high, etc) to remove confusion on joint operations.

Al

 

[Pearson]

Been   having a blast here reading the old stories and strange happeningsthat we have all experienced. Glad i stumbled onto this site again. Even got contaced by an old buddy (Bern dog) less than an hour after my first post.

We all have em.... here is another strange but true story from my experiences. All this topp/mopp made me crack up, if you read on, you will see why.....

Yes its true...as Ripley says........

Long long ago.......(85)
In an armouries, far.... far away..........(Halifax Armouries)
A young group of recruits.............(PLF GMT)...
were undergoing NBCD instruction in the dungeon of the armouries..(those familiar with the armouries will know the basement closely resembles this)..

We were being instructed by your typical NCO's...(scary to all high school kids, every one of which had been to germany for summer ex's)

anyhoooo

Out comes this thing called the Atropine Autoinjector.... (i saw you make that face)

Cutting to the chase.....
To instill respect (and fear) of the autoinjector into the recruits, the MC pl explains in detail what it is... what it does......and how long the freaking needle is...... He punctuated this by holding up his binder and activating one.... you could hear 25 jaws hit their desks as the needle shoots through the binder flap and sprays the room with saline...........

Every one turns white....

Now....of course comes the point where we learn that before we leave the room we will all be self-administrating one.(ya gotta be freaking kidding me)

I cannot stress this enough.... the BLACK end goes on your thigh........
Hold the injector by making a fist with your hand
Place it against the meaty part of your thigh and increase pressure until it clicks....... wait.... then remove.

(The faces are even whiter now)

next step to prove that it is safe(and to further cement the fact that these guys are nuts, they do it)... laughing the whole time..

Now we continue...... four at a time as i recall.... every click greeted by cheers, every hesitation of course by the abuse you all know that would follow as sympathy can only be found between s**t and  syphilis in the dictionary.

One of the very... and i stress very dim that was on course.....(picture small, googly glasses, and the bane to our courses existence. ...

Takes it...... looks at it...sweaty palms....rushes to get it over with...somewhere between getting a grip....trying to stick himself and having difficulty applying enough pressure and panic... the unexpected happened...

He (don't know why) switched hands with the injector and tried the other leg....???
Yes .........The thumb DID go over the BLACK end....  
Yes he did try to JAM it QUICKLY.... oh boy did he...   :-\

those of us that had finished were sitting there with puffed chests at passing another challenge and the next thing i remember is hearing one MC pl yelling "NOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

And one of the other instructors yelling at him for spraying him with the saline.......
The needle was of course....   :skull:
Sticking THROUGH the recruits thumb......    :skull: his fingers recoiled away from the injector and he started trying to shake it off........ this sprayed even more recruits the ceiling and instructors with saline. Picture the Mcpls trying to get a grip on him so they could remove it while it was still spraying... holy poop....    :-X

All i have to do is say "Remember Bloggins??? and we crack up

Some how it missed the bone... but right through the nail from the wrong side......

Needless to say .... we learned very very early in our recruit life, pay attention to detail, and yes.... listen to the instructors.....

no names ... no pack drill