Merged Quotes and Sayings Thread; some useful, some junk

[Michael Dorosh]

**thick French accent**

IF I'D HAVE WANTED AN ALARM CLOCK....I'D HAVE BOUGHT ONE!!!

By a dude in an Airborne T-shirt, and nothing else, after I played reveillie on the bagpipes for a bunch of Militia musicians in a barracks in Griesbach, Edmonton.  I believe the Airborne Centre was still there at the time (1988)??

I wasn't about to dispute his right to the t-shirt in any event.  I promptly went back to my room, locked the door, jumped into bed with all my clothes on, and stayed there until noon.

 

[PPCLI MCpl]

I was taking my platoon through the Indirect Fire Trainer and the last Pte to go was correcting fire.  He competently got on line and began his bracketing.  The exchange went someting like this:

G12 this is 33A, Drop 800, over...

G12 this is 33A, Add 400, over...

G12 this is 33A, yo, back that shit up 200...

The Commissionaire running the simulation took several minutes to recover before firing the round.

 

[GDawg]

Quote from the other day:

W.O. : "Wanna go on a JANUS Ex?"
ME:  "Whats a JANUS W.O.?"
W.O.: "its an ANUS with a J"

 

[nawk]

Heard this from a Sgt. while we got screwed over waiting for buses to take us back from Ex. Iron Talon: 'We're like mushrooms, we're kept in the dark and fed shit.'

 

[SeanNewman]

French Instructor (just learning English) to English course:
"You think I know f*** nothing? I'll show you I know f*** ALL!"

Same instructor at the mess:
"Give me two eggs running and facing the sun."

DIfferent instructor:
"Did you use a mirror when you shaved this morning?"
"Yes Sgt."
"Use a razor next time, it works better."

 

[redleafjumper]

"By a dude in an Airborne T-shirt" - now that triggered a little gem from the depths of the gray matter.... 

It was jump course in Edmonton and three keen young candidates were enjoying an evening off and walking into town.  One of the young jumpers-to-be was wearing a maroon t-shirt and up from behind came a vehicle full of riggers, one of whom screamed at the basic para candidate "Are you qualified to wear that t-shirt!!??"  The candidate turned and revealed a bright yellow "Mr. Bill"  on the front and replied in all innocence "Gee I think so...Gosh, I don't know why not!"  The three in the car were mortified and sped off to search for easier targets while we laughed all the way into town.  :warstory: ;D

 

[NATO Boy]

Since I have heard so many that are possibly already posted here, I will only post the latest one I heard used an SQ course I worked on as an ADMIN NCO:

MCpl: "Pte._____, do you have a drivers's licence?"

Pte._____, dogging it on his ruck while everyone is cleaning biv site: "Um, yes, MCpl..."

MCpl: "...then DRIVE THE F*#KIN' BODY!"

Possibly one of the cheesiest yet funniest lines I've heard used on a candidate yet!

 

[Fraser.g]

This was said by a MCpl during a BMQ in Dundurn to a troop who after several attempts and long instruction still could not clean the lower receiver on his C7.

The Pte is at attention during inspection. The MCpl is standing over his left shoulder and talking quietly in his ear.

"Pte ------, have you ever herd the term "you can lead a horse to water?"

"Yes Master Corporal"

"Could you finish the phrase for me?"

"but you can't make him drink. Master Corporal"

"DRINK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

By the way, this was the same Pte that got lost going from the 100 m point to the buts on a conventional range.

GF

 

[tomahawk6]

A couple of key phrases I learned early on :

"Do as I say, not as I do"

"There are three ways to do something : the right way, the wrong way and the Army way"

 

[Michael Dorosh]

We had a really great lecture by the RSM last night, who has some talent for public speaking, aided when talking to soldiers by a sardonic sense of humour.  It was fun to see the stereotype of the slightly-out-of-touch senior WO perpetuated though when he talked about polishing shoes.  The lecture was on regimental leg dress, a pretty detailed subject in a Highland Regiment.

He said that it takes work, so when you're sitting in front of the TV at night, have your shoes there and put a few coats on "while you're watching....(pause)....Fantasy Island....or whatever they show on TV these days..."

I thought it was a mark of true respect that no one laughed out loud at that - though some very entertaining quizzical looks passed back and forth between the troops....

 

[swanita]

Good ol' Leclair:

Nah....he would be able to remember why he was about to jack you up any longer than the first or second word. he tried to crap on me for being late once and about mid-sentence he asked my why i was so damned early !!

My fav was when i was before him for my charge being read (don't ask) & halfway thru, he confused me with the other female being charged for an ND & started reading her charge!

or....

on grad parade practice we was yelling how crappy we were, just given' er & then his teeth fly outta his head, catches them mid-air & shoves 'em back in his mouth!!

Funniest s**t ever!!

And, a fellow JLC/JNCO candidate while doing drill mutuals:

Cpl: "I've seen more drive in a parked car!"

 

[D-n-A]

One day during a morning inspection during basic

*Sgt's inspecting   a recruits kit thats laid out on the bed an see's that the recruits canteen doesn't have his name on it. So he picks up the canteen an faces the recruit, "Bloggins do you have your canteen trained   to come back to you after you lose? What is it going to run around yelling "bloggins bloggins" and find its way to you?," than the sgt tosses the canteenacross the room "well, look at that, your canteen is blading you an isn't coming back"  the Sgt moves on and inspects another recruit.


The same Sgt on another day, while we're all formed up in front of our shacks.

"BLOGGINS! STOP STANDING LIKE A F****** $5 HOOKER ON HASTINGS STREET!"

 

[FreeFloat]

We're on QL2 in Shilo and marching (in a relaxed way) back from a meal.  The DS marching us is in a real good mood and in a cheerful voice starts asking individuals if they shaved that morning.

Sgt: Pte Smith!

Pte: Yes Sgt!

Sgt: Did you shave this morning?

Pte: Yes Sgt!

Sgt: Electric or blade? (you're not supposed to use electric)

Pte: (pause) Electric Sgt!

Sgt: I don't think the razor was turned on!

This sort of thing continues as the Sgt picks people out at random.  Then he picks on me (I'm female):

Sgt: Bloggins!

Me: Yes Sgt!

Sgt: Did you shave this morning?

Me: (brief pause) No Sgt!

Sgt: Why not?

Me: (brief pause) Because I couldn't find any facial hair to shave Sgt!

Sgt: That's odd, I'm pretty sure I can!

Naturally there were a number of stifled choking noises heard throughout the ranks...

 

[Pencil Tech]

Cpl and WO passing each other in corridor. WO comes to a sudden stop.

WO: Cpl Bloggins!

Cpl: Yes Warrant?

WO: I know you're in a hurry to go and get your f-ing hair cut so I won't keep you!

WO turns and continues on his way.

 

[Parasoldier]

On leadership...

"It is like a dog sled race, either you are the lead dog or the scenery does not change."

 

[Freddy Chef]

(More of a course legend. Accuracy pending, heard in the mess after a few pints.)

On course, Monday morning inspection in the shacks, weapon field stripped on bunk, Section Commander in a p*ssed off mood. Picks up and inspects bayonet.

Sgt: â Å“Bloggins, bayonet latches dirty with sand and sh**.â ?
Throws bayonet, sticks into wall behind bunk.

Tuesday morning inspection...Section Commander...picks up and inspects bayonet.

Sgt: â Å“Bloggins, bayonet latches still has sh** in 'em.â ?
Throws bayonet, sticks into wall behind bunk.

Routine continues all week.

Sunday morning CSM's inspection.

CSM: â Å“Bloggins, what the f*** happened to the wall behind your bunk?â ?

Bloggins: â Å“The Section Commander keeps throwing my bayonet into it, Sir!â ?

CSM: â Å“Why the f*** does your Section Commander keep doing that?â ?

Bloggins: â Å“Because he keeps finding dirt in the latches, Sir!â ?

CSM picks up and inspects bayonet.

CSM: â Å“It still is dirty, you sad sack!â ?
Throws bayonet, sticks into wall behind bunk.
CSM: â Å“Clean that sh** out of your bayonet latches. And plaster up those holes in the wall! What's wrong with you?â ?

 

[DELTADOG13]

The next quote was yelled to me over and over as I was being pummeled during Crowd Control Drills:

"STOP RESISTING......STOP RESISTING............STOP RESISTING........AAAA WTF I'M JUST GOING TO BEAT ON YA SOME MORE BEFORE THE CAMERAS GET HERE"

Thanks Chris..........now he's an Mp and can do this "legally".

 

[DELTADOG13]

Said by the RSM of 1RCR while on a battalion parade:

" You there, Echo company, second rank, third from the right, stop moving around or I'll stick my pace stick up your ass and plant you on the regimental square to become a new regimental monument to stupidity"

" All tigers no donkeys"

:warstory:

 

[Sig_Des]

some of my favorites:

"Very good Pte ****, monkey find Banana!"

"You have to be Sexy to be in my platoon!"

on inspection:

"Holy **** Pte. C, is did one of your roomates punch you in the forehead"

"No Mcpl, my pimple blew up!"
or

"What did you have for breakfast Pte. D?"

"Special K Mcpl", "Special K? Are you Special?"

or "Pte C, do you love Pte H?" "Yes Mcpl...actually, it's more of a lust thing MCpl!"


(Remarks with overt sexually connotations removed by Moderator)

 

[B.McTeer]

"McTeer" "Yes Mcpl" "WTF are you doing" "Push-ups Mcpl" " And why is that" "Cause you told me to Mcpl" "And why is that McTeer" "Cause i farted on parade Mcpl"  happened to my Dad :warstory: