Merged Quotes and Sayings Thread; some useful, some junk

[winchable]

Mine isn't a great saying but if you picture the actions you'll be laughing.

We had a french mbdr instructing drill and eveeeeryone was completely wrong in on particular movement and he Freaked.

He jumped, literally, 2 feet straight up in the air and his mouth started to foam while he tried to think of the right words "Fr...what de...fau...mer...**** was dat?" he jumped up in the air again, dropped his beret "HOLY **** DAT WAS...A..." he proceeded to run into the office and all you could hear for 3 minutes (No word of a lie) was muffled yelling and he was all by himself.

 

[NATO Boy]

This one was recently on a range during a BMQ course's PWT

The candidates were firing groupings for zeroing; one of the Ptes didn't understand this and fired off five rounds as fast as he could...

BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG!

WO: Pte. _______, do you think you're tearing it up in the ghetto!!?!? :threat:! Are you from f##kin' Compton!?!?!? :threat:! WORD WORD WORD, YO, ya f##kin' numptie!

Well, it went somewhat like that at first; I'm sure we can all guess what happened next! ;D

 

[Polish Possy]

I don't have any military quotes yet but I do have a quote from my grade eight teacher....

He said this durring health class to a kid making stupid remarks

     " You are a waste of sperm and egg"

And he said this to a kid in gym class while we were climbing the ropes

"move up your left hand ....no your other left hand .....the one that isn't the right one"

 

[mrosseker]

Just graduated from basic a little while ago, and we had a Master Seaman (not sure if I can say his name...) who was the king of jacking us up for inspection. One memorable morning inspection, I was section senior following him while he did his inspections, taking notes.

MS (looking at the folds of pte xxxx's t-shirts, which are way bigger than 7x7") "pte xxxx did someone help you fold your shirts this morning?"
Pte xxxx "Yes, Master Seaman"
MS "Who?"
Pte xxxx "Pte yyyy did, Master Seaman."
MS  "Is Pte yyyy married?"
Pte xxxx "I believe so, Master Seaman."
MS "Does he lie to his wife?"
Pte xxxx "I dont know, Master Seaman."
MS "Because that's not 7 inches, pte xxxx."
Pte xxxx "Yes Master seaman."
MS "Show me 7 inches, xxxx."
Pte xxxx (pauses, holds his fingers about 2 feet apart.)
MS "You're a liar, xxxx."

Same Master Seaman, different day. This one takes a little explaining; the guy in the cubicle next to me was a farmer from Newfoundland, really good guy but kind of a goof. He brought a picture of one of his cows with him just for laughs, but he left it out one morning before inspection. He was down for breakfast and we put the picture of the cow in his picture frame over the picture of his girl (who incidentally was quite attractive). Everyone in the section knew about it except him, and he didnt notice while he was getting ready for the inspection. For anyone who's been through an inspection in the cubicles, you know that you cant see the part of the desk where the picture frame sits from the doorway while your instructor does the inspection inside your cubicle.

MS (in cubicle, doing usual inspection.) "OS XXXX, what's this in your picture frame?"
OS XXXX (sticks his chest out and proudly proclaims  That's my girl, Master Seaman."
MS (looks at picture, looks at OS XXXX, back at picture,) "Where's your next posting, XXXX?"
OS XXXX "In Esquimalt, Master Seaman."
MS "You going to bring your girl out there with you?"
OS XXXX "Yes Master Seaman, if I can get her there."
MS (pauses) "You're a lucky man, XXXX."

You should have seen the look on his face when we told him to look at his picture frame after the inspection. Priceless.

 

[Mortar guy]

Strike:

I was at BOTC in '94 too. Which Pl were you in?

Here's a few Gagetown stories:

French WO during PT: "You tink I make you sweat? I tell you right now, I make you SWEATER!"

Same WO" "You tink I know f*** nothing? I tell you right now, I know f*** ALL!"

Also, an old Cmdt gave us this speech at the start of Phase II: " Der are tree ways to leave de h'infantry scoo. One - medical release; two - voluntary RTU; and tree - failure"

We were all thinking "Holy crap! Can't we pass the course!?"


Finally, I was on course with Sasha Trudeau and one day, when he was Course Senior, the DS jacks him up by saying "Holy Chirst Trudeau, your father can lead a country and you can't even lead a Platoon!"

MG

 

[backinblack]

Mortar Guy,

Sasha Trudeau should have replied, "Just watch me... "   

(For those who don't know, during the FLQ crisis, that's the line Prime Minister Trudeau used with the press)

 

[Mortar guy]

That would have been hilarious! I don't know how many of us young fellas would have gotten the joke though.

MG

 

[Tpr.Orange]

back on course...

"Pte. Did you shave this morning?"

"Yes Sgt!"

"DONT PISS ON ME AND TELL ME ITS RAINING"


same sgt went around during our range weekend and was asking all the troops their favourite sesame street characters. So he looks around and picks out the biggest guy and says...
"lemme guess cookie monster"
he continues down the line and asks one of the ptes who his favourite was... he responds with "Ernie" the Sgt stops and begins to explain to the entire course that ernie and bert are both FESTIVE characters and that nobody should like them. He continues down the line and asks the next pte which character he likes. The pte says "Bert"    the whole section breaks out laughing. That was the last time the Sgt. brought up sesame street.

 

[shaboing]

this happened on morning inspection(full fighting order) yesturday to the guy that was standing beside me, soo hard not to laugh
(this is the best i can remember of how it went, not 100% accurate though, haha)

Sgt. how are you today troop?
Pte. alright Sgt. how are you?
Sgt. well this inspection has made a good day bad so far. what do you have in your tac vest?
Pte. nothing Sgt.
Sgt. NOTHING!!! WHY IS IT EVERYONE ELSE IN HERE WAS ABLE TO PUT THE STUFF I ASKED FOR IN THE TAC VEST BUT YOU?
Pte. poor planning Sgt.
Sgt. POOR PLANNING!!! HOW ABOUT NO PLANNING!!! did you shave?
Pte. no Sgt.
Sgt. NO!! why the hell not?
Pte. no excuse Sgt.
Sgt. you clean your rifle?
Pte. i tried to a little bit Sgt.
Sgt. you tried to? *opens up rifle to see it clearly wasn't cleaned and it didn't look like it was touched* you have to clean this or it wont work for you soldier, what good are you to me?
Pte. no idea Sgt.
Sgt. why the hell am i keeping you here? if i dropped you off in the middle of nowhere you wouldn't have enough equipment to pick your nose would you?
Pte. no sgt.

just as the Sgt. was finally moving on after a few more things were said he noticed the strap for the waist of his gas mask carrier was undone and the sgt. asked why that was undone and he said because i'm a mess Sgt. the Sgt. says your damn right your a mess

one of the funniest inspections so far because of this, but we failed it obviously. personally i passed just too bad the rest of the section didn't other then 1 other person, haha

 

[41D]

I'm going to hi-jack this thread.

The BEST sayings I ever heard were from Sgt. Major Leclair, RCR, Battleschool in Petawawa

That man has to be known CF wide.   Any Leclair stories would be classic.

I.... fear the man so much, I'm not typing them out!!!
(and.. they're pretty obscene!)

Yeah, that guy was pretty 'intense'!  I saw him smoke a "Green Death" in three drags!

 

[qor556]

MCPL Small, the funniest and craziest instructor ever... Only had him around for a couple weeks on course, I think he was a Tor Scot, wonder what ever happened to him.

 

[davidk]

From our BMQ

MCpl: Pte XXXXX, what's the name of the drill movement we just did?

Pte: (totally clueless) Uh...general salute?

*nudge from the Pte next to him* "Say his rank..."

Pte: General salute sir?

MCpl: SIR?! Holy fuck, XXXXX!, I'm not an officer, I work for a living! Try that again! What we just did was the Present Arms!

Pte: Present arms!

MCpl: You address your superiors by rank! Are you on crack, XXXXX? Is that why you're always staring at the sky and smiling?

Pte: No...

MCpl: There's a surprise...now say my fucking rank!

Pte: Uh...Corporal Master?

Those in my platoon will have no trouble figuring out who that is...

 

[Erborn]

RSM to Recruit

Am I hurting your soldier
No Sir
I should be I am standing on your hair
Get a hair Cut

1955
I only know one soldier with side burns and your name ain't Elvis

 

[LF(CMO)]

This one was told to me MANY years ago on your distinquishing your left from your right:  "Your left foot is the one with the big toe on the right side!!"

 

[medicineman]

Pl WO - Those boots look like they haven't seen polish since you got them!!!  Are you Waiting for the Messiah??!!
Pte - No chance to answer
Pl WO - I hate to tell you, he came two thousand years ago!!!

Jewish guy in squad falls down howlling.

Sgt - Sahke your (add your own expletive) head - do you hear anything??!!
Recruit Shakes head - Yes I did Sgt.
Sgt - (Eventually) Get to the medics now - the (add the expletive of your choice) rock has come loose in your (add the expletive of your choice) head.

There was also my personal favorite - not really a jacking up saying, more the result of it:

Trg Sgt - Why is your locker a (beep) pit "such and such"?
Pte - No Excuse Sgt
Sgt - No Esxcuse is not an excuse - on your face and start pumping!!
Pte - 10 Sgt, 11 Sgt,...
Sgt - Have you thought of a reason yet?
Pte - No Sgt!!...25 Sgt, 26 Sgt,...
Sgt - Have you thought of anything ??!!
Pte - No Sgt!!  55 Sgt, 56 Sgt...,

I think he got to 85 before he thought of a really pitiful excuse for an excuse.  As our section commander told him - "I would have thought of something after number 2."

 

[PJ D-Dog]

A former RSM of my old unit had to be the safety officer during one of our live fire exercises.  Normally in the artillery, every time we fire, the safety officer will plot the data on his map and declare the data to be safe and then shout on the gun line "data safe" and then we can fire.

His safety brief contained only one statement.  The old RSM looked at everyone and said "you're all f***ing safe for the rest of the f***ing day" and we commenced firing.

PJ D-Dog

 

[muskrat89]

Is he one of the ones we talked about, the other day?? 

 

[PJ D-Dog]

1.  One of my Sgt's to a new recruit (me) wearing the of CF green coveralls:  "will someone get him some combat pants, he looks like an overgrown gumby doll."

2.  Me to my platoon during a QL2 years ago: "if these actions keep on, we will all have to take a bite out of a very distastfull sandwich".

3.  Me to another platoon during another QL2 as many years ago:  "(screaming at nearly the top of my lungs) It is my mission in life to make sure that you all work together as a team.  If you refuse too, I will personally scrape your faces against the pavement until you do (insert your favorite explatives here)".

4.  Me teaching examine arms, ease springs:

Me: "YOU (pointing) better get a grip on that weapon Private"

Pte: "Yes Sgt"

Me: "What's your name?"

Pte: "Private Peddle, Sgt"

Me: "Hey Peddle, you want to peddle your way back home or do you want to do drill for a change?"

5.  During a QL2 course, we had the platoon at the grenade range and they were not behaving as they should.  We decided to use some reverse psychology on them.  After telling them repeatedly to quiet down, we started to call them by their first names and told them to do anything they wanted too.  We said how we just didn't care since they wanted to be slimy civilians and could act as such.  Suddenly, they quieted down despite our insistance that they be unruley and do as they pleased.  By the end, they were all sitting at attention (willingly) with legs crossed and fists on their knees.  All you could hear in the range shack was the detonating of the grenades which caused the building to vibrate every time an ordnance was thrown.  The RSO then walked in, looked at the students then looked at us and said "what's going on here?".  I replied to the young officer's question "Sir, we gave them the choice between the military way and the McHappy way.  They chose the military way sir  Any other questions?."

6.  An isntructor to a recruit:  "Toot, toot...what's that sound Webb?  It's the sound of the HMCS Sorry About Your Luck and it just pulled into your harbour".

7.  Me to a recruit:  "Webb, I am sick to death of looking at you walk around like liesure-suit-Larry with your trousers unbloused".

8.  Me while drilling a group of recruits:  "There is nothing funny about drill.  What's a matter with you Jones, stop smilling.  Think of something dead."

9.  To one of my recruits who was lactose intolerant:  "You better lift your leg higher than that, Doherty or I WILL force feed you a gallon of milk!"

PJ D-Dog

 

[PJ D-Dog]

Is he one of the ones we talked about, the other day??    

That was old Glen you know who.....he was great.

PJ

 

[Erborn]

No One is completely useless
You can always be used as a bad example

Jump Course 1951

I banged my head I should be dead