More and more funnies.. vol: something...

[PMedMoe]

A man was driving when a traffic camera flashed.  He thought his picture was taken for exceeding the speed limit, even though he knew he was not speeding.  Just to be sure, he went around the block and passed the same spot, driving even more slowly, but again the camera flashed.  He thought this was quite funny, so he slowed down even further as he drove past the area, but the traffic camera flashed yet again.  He tried a fourth time with the same result. The f ifth time he was laughing when the camera flashed as he rolled past at a snail's pace.

Two weeks later, he got five traffic fine letters in the mail for driving without a seat belt.



...dumbass    ;D

 

[Eye In The Sky]

:rofl:

 

[GAP]

FARM KID  in Marines
(NOW AT San Diego MARINE CORPS RECRUIT TRAINING)

Dear Ma and Pa,
I am well. Hope you are. Tell Brother Walt and Brother Elmer the Marine Corps beats working for old man Minch by a mile. Tell them to join up quick before all of the places are filled.
I was restless at first because you get to stay in bed till nearly 6 a.m. But I am getting so I like to sleep late. Tell Walt and Elmer all you do before breakfast is smooth your cot, and shine some things.  No hogs to slop, feed to pitch, mash to mix, wood to split, fire to lay. Practically nothing.
Men got to shave but it is not so bad, there's warm water.  Breakfast is strong on trimmings like fruit juice, cereal, eggs, bacon, etc., but kind of weak on chops, potatoes, ham, steak, fried eggplant, pie and other regular food, but tell Walt and Elmer you can always sit by the two city boys that live on coffee. Their food,  plus yours,  holds you until noon  when you get fed again. It's no wonder these city boys can't walk much.
We go on 'route marches,' which the platoon sergeant says are long walks to harden us. If he thinks so, it's not my place to tell him different.  A 'route march' is about as far as to our mailbox at home. Then the city guys get sore feet and we all ride back in trucks.
The sergeant is like a school teacher.  He nags a lot.  The Captain is like the school board.  Majors and colonels just ride around and frown. They don't bother you none.
This next will kill Walt and Elmer with laughing.  I keep getting medals for shooting.  I don' t know why.  The bulls-eye is near as big as a chipmunk head and don't move, and it ain't shooting at you like the Higgett boys at home.  All you got to do is lie there all comfortable and hit it.  You don't even load your own cartridges They come in boxes.
Then we have what they call hand-to-hand combat training.  You get to wrestle with them city boys.  I have to be real careful though, they break real easy.  It ain't like fighting with that ole bull at home.  I'm about the best they got in this except for that Tug Jordan from over in Silver Lake .. I only beat him once..  He joined up the same time as me, but I'm only 5'6' and 130 pounds and he's 6'8' and near 300 pounds dry.
Be sure to tell Walt and Elmer to hurry and join before other fellers get onto this setup and come stampeding in.

Your loving daughter,
Alice

 

[SARgirl]

GAP- :rofl: Hilarious!  Good post. 

 

[PMedMoe]

A woman from New York was driving through a remote part of Arizona when her car broke down..

An American Indian on horseback came along and offered her a ride to a nearby town.

She climbed up behind him on the horse and they rode off. The ride was uneventful, except that every few minutes the Indian would let out a Ye-e-e-e-h-a-a-a-a' so loud that it echoed from the surrounding hills.

When they arrived in town, he let her off at the local service station, yelled one final 'Ye-e-e-e-h-a-a-a-a!' and rode off.

'What did you do to get that Indian so excited?' asked the service-station attendant. 'Nothing,' the woman answered.

'I merely sat behind him on the horse, put my arms around his waist, and held onto the saddle horn so I wouldn't fall off.'

'Lady,' the attendant said, 'Indians don't use saddles' 

 

[Journeyman]

http://www.snopes.com/humor/letters/marines.asp

Great debunking. I never realized you were German

 

[mariomike]

Message removed. Sorry if any offence was taken.

 

[Journeyman]

Message removed. Sorry if any offence was taken.

Absolutely no offence.  ???

Man, if the jokes section of the site has to be explained, maybe you really do have a German sense of humour......  :

 

[mariomike]

Absolutely no offence.  ???

Thanks. I am glad to read that because I enjoy your posts. I wish we could have a "Meet and Greet" here in Toronto like the one they had in Ottawa. It's nice to make an old fashioned face to face aquaintance with people you e-correspond with.  Sometimes on the computer I am hesitant to crack jokes for concern about misunderstandings and causing offence. :shaking: :shaking:
I tried to make a handshake smiley. 

 

[GAP]

Flight attendant pick-up line

A guy sitting at a bar at HeathrowAirport noticed a really beautiful woman sitting next to him.

He thought to himself: "Wow, she's so gorgeous she must be an off duty flight attendant. But which airline does she work for?"

Hoping to make her acquaintance, he leaned towards her and uttered the Delta slogan: 

"Love to fly and it shows?"

She gave him a blank, confused stare and he immediately thought to himself:

"Damn, she doesn't work for Delta.."

A moment later, another slogan popped into his head. He leaned towards her again 

"Something special in the air?"

She gave him the same confused look.

He mentally kicked himself, and scratched Singapore Airlines off the list.

Next he tried the Thai Airways slogan: 

"Smooth as Silk."

This time the woman turned on him, 

"What the fuck do you want?"

The man smiled, then slumped back in his chair, and said 

"Ahhhhha!  Air Canada ."

 

[SARgirl]

LOL... very funny GAP.


----------



Kosovo

Our boys in uniform can hold a tune that rivals the Beach Boys! Authentic video of Norwegian soldiers in Kosovo. Music from the Beach Boys song "Kokomo"

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sD7UREH_rJI

Enjoy!  ;D

Edited to add:
Warning- there is, that I noticed, one bad word said in the video.

 

[Eye In The Sky]

INVOLUNTARY MUSCULAR CONTRACTION

A professor at MEMORIAL UNIVERSITY OF NEWFOUNDLAND, was giving a lecture on 'Involuntary Muscular Contractions' to his first year medical students.

Realizing this was not the most riveting subject, the professor decided to lighten the mood slightly.

He pointed to a young woman in the front row and said, 'Do you know what your a$$hole is doing while you're having an orgasm?'

She replied, 'Probably moose hunting with his buddies.'

 

[Steve_D]

:rofl:

 

[vonGarvin]

Absolutely no offence.  ???

Man, if the jokes section of the site has to be explained, maybe you really do have a German sense of humour......  :

Germans have a very well-developed sense of humour.  And I think that this following joke points it out very well: ;D

An English couple have a child. After the birth, medical tests reveal that the child is normal, apart from the fact that it is German. This, however, should not be a problem. There is nothing to worry about. As the child grows older, it dresses in lederhosen and has a pudding bowl haircut, but all its basic functions develop normally. It can walk, eat, sleep, read and so on, but for some reason the German child never speaks. The concerned parents take it to the doctor, who reassures them that as the German child is perfectly developed in all other areas, there is nothing to worry about and that he is sure the speech faculty will eventually blossom. Years pass. The German child enters its teens, and still it is not speaking, though in all other respects it is fully functional. The German child's mother is especially distressed by this, but attempts to conceal her sadness. One day she makes the German child, who is now 17 years old and still silent, a bowl of tomato soup, and takes it through to him in the parlour where he is listening to a wind-up gramophone record player. Soon, the German child appears in the kitchen and suddenly declares, "Mother. This soup is a little tepid." The German child's mother is astonished. "All these years," she exclaims, "we assumed you could not speak. And yet all along it appears you could. Why? Why did you never say anything before?" "Because, mother," answers the German child, "up until now, everything has been satisfactory."

Ja.  Das ist lustig!

 

[vonGarvin]

A man jumps out of a plane for the first time. At 3,000m he tries to undo his parachute, but the cord fails. At 2,000m he tries to open the emergency chute but that doesn't work either. At 1,000m he bumps into a man wearing blue overalls, carrying a spanner. "Can you repair parachutes?" asks the first man. "'Fraid not," says the other. "I only do boilers."
Das ist lustiger

 

[vonGarvin]

Three priests hold a meeting to discuss where life begins. The evangelical priest says, "No question about it, life begins when the child is born." "No, no," says the Catholic priest, "it all starts when the sperm meets the egg." "You're both wrong," says the Rabbi. "Life begins when the children have left home and the dog is dead."

Das ist am lustigsten
;D

 

[vonGarvin]

And who could forget THIS classic:
Der Ehemann findet seine Frau mit dem Arzt im Bett. Der Arzt versucht zu erklären: "Ich wollte nur das Fieber messen!"
Der Mann holt seelenruhig sein Gewehr aus dem Schrank und meint: "Jetzt ziehen Sie ihn ganz langsam raus und wenn keine Zahlen draufstehen, dann Gnade Ihnen Gott!"


:rofl:

(A man comes home to find his wife in bed with the doctor.  The doctor declares that he's just checking her temperature.  The man calmly goes to his closet and pulls out his rifle and says, "Now take it out, nice and slow, and if there are no numbers on it, may God have mercy on you.")

 

[mariomike]

A man jumps out of a plane for the first time. At 3,000m he tries to undo his parachute, but the cord fails. At 2,000m he tries to open the emergency chute but that doesn't work either. At 1,000m he bumps into a man wearing blue overalls, carrying a spanner. "Can you repair parachutes?" asks the first man. "'Fraid not," says the other. "I only do boilers."
Das ist lustiger

Here's an old one:
"What's the quietest place in the world? The complaint department at the parachute packing plant."

 

[Larkvall]

Breaking News

World condemns preemptive use of Hillary against Pakistan

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uH8owcMHc34

 

[Eye In The Sky]

Why Parents Drink


A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to see that his bed was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then he saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow that was addressed to 'Dad.'

With the worst premonition he opened the envelope with trembling hands and read the letter.


Dear Dad:

It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mom and you.

I have been finding real passion with Stacy and she is so nice.

But I knew you would not approve of her because of all her piercing, tattoos, tight motorcycle clothes and the fact that she is much older than I am. But it's not only the passion...Dad, she's pregnant.

Stacy said that we will be very happy.

She owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children.

Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone.
We'll be growing it for ourselves and trading it with the other people that live nearby for cocaine and ecstasy.

In the meantime we will pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so

Stacy can get better. She deserves it.

Don't worry Dad. I'm 15 and I know how to take care of myself.

Someday I'm sure that we will be back to visit so that you can

get to know your grandchildren.

Love,

Your Son John 


PS. Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at Tommy's house.  I Just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than the report card that's in my center desk drawer.

Call me when it's safe to come home.