A Collection Of Army.ca Humour - including SKIPPY'S DAMN LIST AGAIN!!

[Mud Crawler]

This is the transcription of a radio communication betwen a US Navy ship and canadian authorities near the coast of Newfoundland in October 1995:
The Americanslease correct your course of 15 degrees north to avoid collision.Over.
The Canadians:Rather YOU make a course correction of 15 degrees south to avoid collision.Over.
The Americans:I'm the captain of a naval vessel of the American Naval Forces.I repeatlease modify your course.Over.
The Canadians:No, please, YOU modify your course please.Over.
The Americans:It's the AircraftCarrier USS Lincoln, the second ship in importance of the United-States of Americas naval force.We're accompanied by 3 destroyers, 3 cruisers, and an important number of escort vessels.I ask you to modify your route of 15 degrees north or mesures will be taken to assure the security of our ship.Over.
The Canadians:Here, it's a lighthouse.Over.
**********************
This a translation to english of a text that was translated in french from english so it might no be the exact words but it looks alot like that.I bet that captain won't get a promotion for the next few years.

 

[Fishbone Jones]

:fifty: YeeHaw!! First One Here! :mg:
Let‘s start with a little tongue in cheek stuff

MILITARY OPERATIONS IN A PEACEFUL ENVIRONMENT (MOPE)
An overview of Canadian Forces involvement in SFOR.

Pre-deployment training

The aim of pre-deployment training should be to ensure that every soldier is completely sick of the mission before they get on the plane.

You will want to prepare your soldiers so that the MOPE can commence immediately on deployment. This is best accomplished in the following manner:

* Ensure to keep mentioning the upcoming mission a good year to 18 months before pre-depl-trg has started. Ideally, you should start the ball rolling for Roto 10 while still deployed on Roto 7. This will keep your unit in a MOPE posture.

* On commencement of training, it is best to assume that your soldiers and NCOs are completely incompetent. In fact, if you desire a MOPE posture as soon as possible, treat them as if they have never received any mil trg whatsoever. This is best achieved by completely ignoring the trg your unit has conducted to date and starting with the most basic and mundane trg imaginable. Remember, what was accomplished in one week in prep for Cyprus can easily be done in three months for OP PAL.

* Be sure to include trg that you don‘t even have a chance of utilizing on a MOPE and rush through the important parts like driving courses, with a min amount of practice, and;

* Ensure that your unit conducts as much trg in theatre as possible. Try to employ the seven-to-one principle while conducting live fire trg (seven hours of driving for one hour of shooting). · ·

The Mission

To ensure all members of your unit remain focused on MOPE, consider the following:

* Treat beer as if it were heroin. Yes that popular libation that is legal and widely available in Canada should be all but outlawed on a MOPE. Just so that everyone understands their place in the order of things, have a twenty-year old Bosnian girl monitor the alcohol intake of all ranks (self-esteem is the antithesis of MOPE).

*Ensure that if any actual military mission should rear its ugly head,have it dealt with by a mysterious group of Pte basic soldiers who wear uniforms similar to our own, but distinguish themselves by their casual interpretation of CF dress policies and by their issue wpns which are way cooler than ours (who the hell are those guys anyway?). Nothing will facilitate MOPE like elitism.

*Have your soldiers work closely with those of other nations who drink and fornicate as if the world were coming to an end. Better yet, have groups from your unit move to their base and secure it for them. Twelve hours of manning the PCP (Prostitute Control Point) at the BLMF will keep a troop MOPE oriented for years.

* Make sure that every small transgression is immediately reported to the highest authority possible. This will ensure that our soldiers who are living the lives of cloistered monks will be portrayed in their hometown newspaper as a mixture of outlaw bikers and Attila‘s Huns. The soldiers will be impressed when they see that although NDHQ will take six weeks to generate a promotion msg, they can deploy an inspection team faster than you can say "witch hunt", and;

* Ensure that no matter how hard the troops try, they will never be able to make it through a full day without breaking at least one rule. Everything from smoking to showering should be controlled and regulated. In this way,troops will develop that "Spartan" mentality and will see every policy and regulation as a dare.

This was by no means a definitive study of MOPE. The Canadian Army has proved itself to be a leader in this new and exciting field and we continue to break new ground in its development. In fact our progress in this area has earned us the unofficial title of "Least Fun Army in the World" having just recently unseated the long-time titleholder, the US Army). We are looking forward to many more MOPEs in the future.



:tank:

 

[Infanteer]

Found this little gem on another board....
***
What would happen if Canada was threatened militarily - My version.
Ottawa would hold an emergency session in Parliment, the Liberals would denouce the
threat and ask all the other parties to offer their support in a show of soldiarity while trying to implement a temporary increase of the GST. The Reform would use this to try to get more aid to the farmers and the Bloc would stage a boycott of
Parliment until they get total control of the St Lawrence. After 6 months of heated debate, name calling and desk slapping, they agree they must actually DO something. The call would go out to the CF to deploy the regs and mobilize the reserves. OH NO! All the regs are understrength and scattered all over the world on UN, NATO, or more likely some Starving Nation, Greenpeace or other Save-the-whale / Rainforest / Ozone causes that don‘t let them even have their bolts in. OH NO! Suddenly most of the all-volunteer reserve dosen‘t show up because 1) it would interfere with my upcoming term paper/exam/school choir practice 2) can‘t find any of my kit or 3)
nobody said anything about really having to do some killing. The remainder kit up, bomb up, cam up, get ready to kill because even though the rest of the country forgot- they always sucked it up and remembered that‘s what we‘re here for, but
have to wait until Ottawa can arrange suitable airlift. This cannot be accomplished within 2 months because Air Canada is still pissed about their the CAI merger limitations. The troops are told they will have to use ground transport as the Chinooks weren‘t replaced and the Hercs are in the hangar because the pilots are told they must have 8hrs min rest before flying. Now they are forced to use
their own vehicles (no mileage allowed either), because half the ML‘s are broke due to lack of parts, and the few drivers left in garrison don‘t have troop lift due to training course cutbacks. With the Trans-Canada looking like the Basra-Baghdad "highway of death", we head merrily off to confront the enemy. Of course by this time, the enemy is already well entrenched in the community and are now contributing to the local tax base and running for public office. They succesfully lobby the RCMP to arrest all the CF personnel with no FAC transporting unregistered restricted weapons. Now all the soldiers are left on their own like a gut-shot nun in a snow bank, and head back to their super-bases but most die in horrible traffic accidents after being cut-off by diet-pill crazed soccer moms in large SUV‘s. Ottawa appoints a Royal Commision to find out if there is any way of not paying out
death and survivors benifits. The CF asks for more funding for recruiting, but all units execpt NDHQ are disbanded due to embarrasing media coverage.

TM
Down in "Shut-up-and-die" ranks

 

[rcrman]

Anyone care to share funny one-liners from Rusty, Krusty SGT‘s, WO‘s, CSM‘s, RSM‘s?? You know the saying that they must learn somewhere, the saying that made you bit your tongue on pde‘s for fear of laughing your *** off at attention.

Example:

"Don‘t snow the snowman"
"Don‘t sit around here on the weekend drinking beer...waiting for the caps to sing" (ie Labatt Blue caps)
"If you drive don‘t drink, but if your drinking and not driving, then DRIVE ‘ER!!!!!"
that sort of stuff

Grubby

 

[reg1]

iremember the rsm saying during drill practice "stand still or i will drive my pace stik up your rear end and call you a recruit sicle. i did not want to put down the real words but rear end is the best i can do, you know what i mean.

 

[Infanteer]

"You are not the pole-smoking, nintendo-playing, long haired freaks you were two damn weeks ago, so why the hell are you still screwing this up."

or....

"Shut up. We are here to preserve democracy, not practice it."

and there is my favorite....

"Holy s**t, you guys move like old people f**k, get going now!!!"

 

[Infanteer]

Haha...
Or how about "STAND STILL!!! If you have an itch on your face, you worry about it tomorrow!"

 

[Master Blaster]

when refering to anyone on the job in uniform;
"a f**king waste of rations, skin and uniform"

the answer to the meaning of life = Sh*tpump! ie: everthing that lives pumps it...what doesn‘t live, doesn‘t pump it...ergo "sh*tpump!"

I‘m getting tired of waiting for you kindergarten children...if you don‘t hurry up and get over that wall, I‘ll start using this pitchfork (bring one on the Obs Course...Hell of a motivator (specially when they know that you‘re crazy enough to use it!))

Ripping off their heads and sh*tting down the hole is usually a way to obtain their clear and undivided attention but if that fails there‘s always the somewhat amusing method of pushing their left eardrum through their right eardrum with your parade square voice.

All of the above is merely heresay and is not condoned by myself nor have I ever seen it done to anyone that I know or ever pretended to know

Dileas


:evil:

 

[McG]

I have a friend who, through his first three months of training in the CF, was refered to by the Crse WO as "my little civi in uniform."

 

[armyguy]

My favorite was from back in the 70s..the story goes like this: A CSM walks around a corner and catches two young soldiers tokin‘ up. His remark is..Trudeau legalized homosexuality, not marijuana!
The next joint I catch you suckin‘ on had better have a body on the end of it!

 

[Jungle]

How about this one: "i‘m not sure where we‘re goin‘, but one thing is certain: we‘re all goin‘!!!" :blotto:

 

[RCA]

"Does your hair hurt?" It should be, I‘m standing on it!

"What do you do for an encore? S*** on your hat badge"

"Contray to popular belief, baseball bats aren‘t meant for hitting baseballs (back in Old Days when a crse WO I knew used a baseball bat as a drill cane)

 

[fusilier]

How about this one
Excuses are like *******s, everybody has got one and it is usually full of ****.
I remember my MCpl saying I was like the retarded child he never had, that was fairly amusing. My buddy whos a master jack threatens the troops by saying this "If you don‘t get up that hill, I‘ll drive my foot so far up your *** , you‘re breath will smell like Kiwi fora week."
"Holy ****, you look like a can of smashed *******s" is a popular one in Cape Breton, ,haha

 

[Yard Ape]

"What is the matter Pte Bloggins? Did your mother never buy you that toy where you put the square peg in the square hole and the round peg in the round hole?" . . . After Pte Bloggins spent 5 min trying to put the C9 gas tube on backwards!

Yard Ape

 

[Gordon Angus Mackinlay]

Ladies and Gentlemen,
The following was posted by a chap on the Canadian Regiments list. It deserves a large audience.

Yours,
Jock in Sydney

Subject: Beating Dead Horses


The tribal wisdom of the Dakota Indians, passed on from generation to
generation, says that, "When you discover that you are riding a dead horse,
the best strategy is to dismount."

However, in the modern Canadian Forces, a whole range of far more
advanced strategies are often employed such as:

1. Buying a stronger whip.

2. Changing riders.

3. Appointing a committee to study the horse.

4. Arranging to visit other countries to see how other cultures ride dead
horses.

5. Lowering the standards so that dead horses can be included.

6. Reclassifying the dead horse as living impaired.

7. Hiring outside contractors to ride the dead horse.

8. Harnessing several dead horses together to increase speed.

9. Providing additional funding and/or training to increase dead horse‘s
performance.

10. Doing a productivity study to see if lighter riders would improve the
dead horse‘s performance.

11. Declaring that as the dead horse does not have to be fed, it is less
costly, carries lower overhead and therefore contributes substantially more
to the bottom line of the economy than do some other horses.

12. Rewriting the expected performance requirements for all horses.

13. Promoting the dead horse to a supervisory position.

 

[John Nayduk]

Try this site http://www.giggleshack.com there is a whole section with military humour. Enjoy!

 

[Sharpey]

"Thank you for calling the Canadian Armed Forces"

Thank you for calling the Canadian Forces.
We are sorry, but all our units are out at the
moment. Please press ‘1‘ to leave a message, with your
country, name of organization, region, details of the
specific crisis, media relations plan, exit strategy,
and a number where we can reach you.

As soon as we have sorted out East Timor, the Balkans,
Iraq, marauding Chinese refugee boats, The Combat Bra,
The Millennium Bug, ice storms, floods, prime
Ministerial lip-slips, marching up and down the
streets of Toronto with snow shovels and compulsory
Diversity Training, we will return your call.

Please speak after the tone. For other services,
please listen to the following options:

If your crisis is small and close to the sea, press
‘2‘ for the Canadian Navy.

If your concern is distant, with a tropical climate
and good hotels, and can be solved by one or two
low-risk bombing runs, please press ‘3‘ for the
Canadian Air Force. Please note that this service is
not available after 1630 hours or on weekends.

If your enquiry concerns a situation which can be
resolved by a bit of rifle drill, a color party and a
really good marching band, please write, well in
advance, to The Commanding Officer, Governor General‘s
Foot Guards, Ottawa, Ontario.

If your enquiry is not urgent, please press ‘4‘ for
the 2nd Canadian Mechanized Brigade Group Quick
Reaction Force.

If you are in immediate and serious danger, press ‘5‘
and your call will be routed to The Royal Canadian
Army Cadets, Upper Rubber Boot, Saskatchewan.

If you are interested in joining the Army and wish to
be shouted at, paid little, have premature arthritis,
put your life partner and family in a condemned hut
miles from civilization, and are prepared to work
your butt off daily, risking your life in all weathers
and terrain, both day and night, whilst watching the
Treasury Board eroding your original terms and
conditions of service, then please stay on the line.
Your call will shortly be taken by a bitter
passed-over
Recruiting Sergeant in a strip mall somewhere in
Newfoundland.

Have a pleasant day, and thank you again for
trying to contact the Canadian Forces.

 

[Coniar]

I cant belive thats actually real!
I wonder who was on the US end of the Radio?
As for Sharpeys post that pretty much sums up the Canadien Military, or at least what most people think of it.

-------------------------------------------------

If you are interested in joining the Army and wish to
be shouted at, paid little, have premature arthritis,
put your life partner and family in a condemned hut
miles from civilization, and are prepared to work
your butt off daily, risking your life in all weathers
and terrain, both day and night, whilst watching the
Treasury Board eroding your original terms and
conditions of service, then please stay on the line.
Your call will shortly be taken by a bitter
passed-over
Recruiting Sergeant in a strip mall somewhere in
Newfoundland.
-------------------------------------------------------
Funny that really dosent lessen my desire to join the army. Mabey I should go see my doctor...

Coniar

 

[Art Johnson]

An old soldier friend of mine sent me this the other day.

An old soldier went to a bar and ordered a drink.
As he sat sipping his whiskey, a young lady sat
down next to him.

She turned to the soldier and asked, "Are you a
real soldier?"

He replied, "Well, I‘ve spent my whole life in the
army, drilling recruits, jumping out of airplanes,
and fighting battles, so I guess I am."
What do you do?

She said, "I‘m a lesbian. I spend my whole day
thinking about women. As soon as I get up in the
morning, I think about women, when I shower, watch TV,
eat, whatever, everything seems to make me think of
women."

The two sat sipping in silence.

A little while later, a man sat down on the other side
of the old soldier and asked, "Are you a real soldier?"

He replied, "I always thought I was, but I just found
out I‘m a lesbian.

 

[Erborn]

Just some humour
Old but good
The Plan - Canadian Military Version
In the beginning was The Plan.

And then came The Assumptions.

And The Plan was without substance.

And The Assumptions were without form.

And Darkness was upon the face of the Privates and Corporals.

And they spoke among themselves saying,
"It is a crock of ****, and it stinks!"

And the Privates and Corporals went unto their Master Corporals and said,
"It is a pail of dung, and none may abide the odour thereof."

And the Master Corporals went unto their Sgts, saying, "It is a
container of excrement, and it is very strong such that none may
abide by it."

And the Sgts went unto their WO‘s, saying,
"It is a vessel of fertilizer, and none may abide its strength."

And the WO‘s spoke among themselves saying to one another,
"It contains that which aids plant groth, and it is very strong!"

And the WO‘s went unto the MWO‘s saying unto them,
"It promotes growth, and it is very powerful!"

And the MWO‘s went unto the Chief, saying unto him,
"This new Plan will actively promote the growth and
vigour of the company, with powerful effects."

And the Chief looked upon the Plan, and saw that it was good,
and The Plan became Policy.

And that is how **** Happens.