Author Topic: More and more funnies.. vol: something...  (Read 675984 times)

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Online mariomike

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Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
« Reply #125 on: February 23, 2010, 10:08:50 »
Just a joke I saw, and remember from back when we were kids.

A guy was in the doghouse with his wife, so he sent her a check payable for "1,000 hugs and kisses".
Only to receive a letter back informing him, "Thanks for the cheque. The milkman cashed it this morning." 

I guess it's kind of corny now, but looking back, we were always making up stories and jokes like that.
« Last Edit: February 23, 2010, 10:39:00 by mariomike »

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Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
« Reply #126 on: February 23, 2010, 10:12:53 »
A friend sent me this link to I am awesome.com.

I seem to attract weird people sometimes.


 

You people know who you are  :nod:

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Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
« Reply #127 on: February 25, 2010, 13:03:45 »
A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose, still heavily sedated from a difficult four hour surgical procedure.

A young student nurse appears to give him a partial sponge bath.

"Nurse," he mumbles, from behind the mask, "Are my testicles black?"

Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, sir.  I'm only here to wash your upper body."

He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, are my testicles black?"

Concerned that he may elevate his vitals from worry about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and sheepishly pulls back the covers.

She raises his gown, holds his penis in one hand and his testicles in the other, lifting and moving them around and around gently.

Then, she takes a close look and says, "No sir, they aren't and I assure you, there's nothing wrong with them, sir !!"

The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very slowly, "Thank you very much. That was wonderful, but listen very, very closely.....





A r e - m y - t e s t - r e s u l t s - b a c k ?" 

 :o   ;D

"A good traveler has no fixed plans, and is not intent on arriving".
~ Lao Tzu~

Offline tango22a

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Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
« Reply #128 on: February 25, 2010, 19:21:41 »

Good One, Moe!!!


tango22a
DISCLAIMER: THE IDEAS AND OPINIONS EXPRESSED HEREIN ARE MINE AND MINE ALONE! NO ONE OTHER THAN MYSELF IS RESPONSIBLE FOR THEM!

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Character assassinations a specialty
Still crazy after all these years!!!

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Offline Baden Guy

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Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
« Reply #129 on: February 28, 2010, 06:03:54 »

 EXERCISE FOR PEOPLE OVER 50

       
Begin by standing on a comfortable surface, where you have plenty of room at each side.
With a 5-lb potato bag in each hand, extend your arms straight out from your sides and hold them there as long as you can.
Try to reach a full minute, and then relax.

Each day you'll find that you can hold this position for just a bit longer. After a couple of weeks, move up to 10-lb potato bags.

Then try 50-lb potato bags and then eventually try to get to where you can lift a 100-lb potato bag in each hand and hold your arms straight for more than a full minute. (I'm at this level) 
 
After you feel confident at that level, put a potato in each bag.



Offline GAP

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Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
« Reply #130 on: March 03, 2010, 07:43:10 »
Shorties: Stupid Human Tricks 
http://darwinawards.com/darwin/darwin2000-45.html
2000 Darwin Award Nominee
Unconfirmed by Darwin
Robert, 37, shot himself while explaining gun safety to his wife in Glendale, California, when he placed a .45-caliber pistol he thought was unloaded under his chin and pulled the trigger. Shovestall's wife told police that the incident occurred after her complaints about her husband's 70 guns prompted him to demonstrate their safety.

A 23-year-old bar-brawler who had been escorted out of the Turtle Club in Florida by a bouncer, sneaked back in and leaped off a staircase, aiming a kick at another man, but was killed when he landed on his head.

Iraqi terrorist Khay Rahnajet, didn't put enough postage on a letter bomb, and it came back marked "return to sender." He opened the package and was blown away.

Two animal rights activists were protesting the cruelty of sending pigs to a slaughterhouse in Bonn by freeing a captive herd. Suddenly all two thousand of pigs stampeded through the gate they were opening, and trampled the hapless protesters to death.

News of the Weird reports that in September 1996 a man was crushed to death on a stairway at the Sammis Real Estate and Insurance office in Huntington, N.Y., while he was stealing the office's 600-pound safe. He apparently violated that cardinal rule of hauling massive objects: Never stand on a step lower than the one the safe is on. The safe was empty at the time of the incident.

In San Jose, California, Herman, an avid hunter, used the butt of his shotgun to bash his girlfriend's windshield during an argument. But his loaded gun accidentally discharged into his stomach, killing him and ending the argument.

"I cannot help but notice that there is no problem between us that cannot be solved by your departure."

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Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I´m not so sure about the universe

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Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
« Reply #131 on: March 04, 2010, 08:17:46 »
Funny or Die's Presidential Reunion :

Barack Obama gets a surprise visit in the night from ex-Presidents Bush Sr., Bush Jr., Clinton, Ford, Reagan and Carter to get a few pointers about the Consumer Financial Protection Agency and why it's so

 http://www.funnyordie.com/

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Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
« Reply #132 on: March 09, 2010, 17:12:45 »




 ;D
"A good traveler has no fixed plans, and is not intent on arriving".
~ Lao Tzu~

Offline ivan the tolerable

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Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
« Reply #133 on: March 10, 2010, 15:16:07 »
It made me larf...
Summary of my service career:  Too much of a poof for JTF2.  Too lazy for CSOR.  Not energetic or bright enough to do anything vaguely glamorous.  But I was never too scared to ask the fat chicks if they wanted to dance!

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Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
« Reply #134 on: March 15, 2010, 19:29:37 »
THIS IS SPARTA!!!!

"A good traveler has no fixed plans, and is not intent on arriving".
~ Lao Tzu~

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Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
« Reply #135 on: March 18, 2010, 08:56:45 »


 :rofl:
"A good traveler has no fixed plans, and is not intent on arriving".
~ Lao Tzu~

Offline GAP

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Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
« Reply #136 on: March 18, 2010, 18:53:40 »
.
Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I´m not so sure about the universe

Offline VIChris

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Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
« Reply #137 on: March 25, 2010, 20:57:31 »
« Last Edit: March 25, 2010, 21:02:08 by VIChris »
Aspera Juvant!

Offline TN2IC

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Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
« Reply #138 on: March 26, 2010, 13:12:13 »
*Looks outside dispatch window*


You lied!!!    ;D

Offline GAP

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Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
« Reply #139 on: April 04, 2010, 00:15:03 »
The Navy Invented Sex

A Marine and a sailor were sitting in a bar one day arguing over which was the superior service.

After a swig of beer the Marine says, 'Well, we had Iwo Jima.'

Arching his eyebrows, the sailor replies, 'We had the Battle of Midway.

'Not entirely true', responded the Marine. 'Some of those pilots were Marines, in fact, Henderson Field on Guadalcanal was named

after a Marine pilot killed at the Battle of Midway.'

The sailor responds, 'Point taken.'

The Marine then says, 'We Marines were born at Tunn Tavern!'

The sailor, nodding agreement, says, 'But we had John Paul Jones.'

The argument continued until the sailor comes up with what he thinks will end the discussion. With a flourish of finality he

says...... 'The Navy invented sex!'

The Marine replies, 'That is true, but it was the Marines who introduced it to women.'



You May Be a Taliban, If ...



   1. You refine heroin for a living, but you have a moral objection to beer.

   2. You own a $3,000 machine gun and $5,000 rocket launcher, but you can't afford shoes.

   3. You have more wives than teeth.

   4. You wipe your butt with your bare left hand, but consider bacon 'unclean.'

   5. You think vests come in two styles: bullet-proof and suicide.

   6. You can't think of anyone you HAVEN'T declared Jihad against.

   7. You consider television dangerous, but routinely carry explosives in your clothing.

   8. You were amazed to discover that cell phones have uses other than setting off roadside bombs.

   9. You've often uttered the phrase, 'I love what you've done with your cave.'

  10. You have nothing against women and think every man should own at least one.

  11. You bathe at least monthly whether necessary or not.

  12. You've ever had a crush on your neighbor's goat.
Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I´m not so sure about the universe

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Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
« Reply #140 on: April 06, 2010, 16:36:18 »
Not sure if this has been posted, but I like it. Grey Power Rules! :
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WGBcY2IoFSg&feature=related

Offline bdave

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Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
« Reply #141 on: April 06, 2010, 17:30:43 »

The argument continued until the greek comes up with what he thinks will end the discussion. With a flourish of finality he

says...... 'The greeks invented sex!'

The Italian replies, 'That is true, but it was the Italians who introduced it to women.'

Fix'd for originality.

Offline GAP

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Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
« Reply #142 on: April 06, 2010, 18:13:15 »
Ever wonder in your relationship, how 'the fight' started...:

One year, a husband decided to buy his mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a
Christmas gift...

The next year, he didn't buy her a gift.

When she asked him why, he replied,

"Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"
And that's how the fight started...
---------------------------------------------------------------------
My wife and I are watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in
bed.

I turned to her and said,

'Do you want to have Sex?'

'No,'

she answered.

I then said,

'Is that your final answer?'

She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying

'Yes.'

So I said,

'Then I'd like to phone a friend.'

And that's when the fight started...
---------------------------------------------------------------------

I took my wife to a restaurant.

The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.

'I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please..'

He said,

'Aren't you worried about the mad cow?'

'Nah, she can order for herself.'

And that's when the fight started...
---------------------------------------------------------------------

My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping the channels.
She asked,
'What's on TV?'
I said,
'Dust.'
And then the fight started...
---------------------------------------------------------------------

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary..
She said,

'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 200 in about 3 seconds.'

I bought her a scale.
And then the fight started...

----------------------------------------------------------------------------

My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school reunion, and she
kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he sat alone at a nearby
table.
I asked her,
'Do you know him?'
'Yes,'
she sighed,
'He's my old boyfriend... I understand he took to drinking right after we
split up those many years ago, and I hear he hasn't been sober since.'

'My God!'
I said,
'Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?'

And then the fight started...
---------------------------------------------------------------------
THE BROKEN LAWN MOWER:

When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that
I should get it fixed.

But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the truck,
the car, playing golf. Always something more important to me.

Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point.

When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily
snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched silently for a
short time and then went into the house. I was gone only a minute, and when
I came out again I handed her a toothbrush.

I said, 'When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway.'

The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.
Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I´m not so sure about the universe

Offline GAP

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Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
« Reply #143 on: April 06, 2010, 18:15:51 »
This ought to make you feel better about your computer skills!  If you skip any, you have to read the last one!  Unbelievable, but supposedly all true!!!!     

=================================   

Tech support:   What kind of computer do you have?

Female customer:   A white one...

  ===============
 
Customer:   Hi, this is Maureen. I can't get my diskette out.
Tech support:  Have you tried pushing the Button?
Customer:  Yes, sure, it's really stuck.
Tech support:  That doesn't sound good; I'll make a note.
Customer:  No , wait a minute... I hadn't inserted it yet... it's still on my desk... sorry....

 ===============

Tech support:  Click on the 'my computer' icon on to the left of the screen.
Customer:  Your left or my left?

 ===============

Tech support:  Good day. How may I help you?
Male customer:   Hello... I can't print.
Tech support: Would you click on 'start'  for me and...
Customer:  Listen pal; don't start getting technical on me! I'm not Bill Gates.


 ===============


Customer:  Hi, good afternoon, this is Martha, I can't print. Every time I try, it says 'Can't find printer'.  I've even lifted the printer and placed it in front of the monitor, but the computer still says he can't find it...


 ============== =


Customer:  I have problems printing in red...
Tech support:  Do you have a color printer?
Customer:  Aaaah....................thank you.


 ===============


Tech support:  What's on your monitor now, ma'am?
Customer:   A teddy bear my boyfriend bought for me at Woolies.


 ===============


Customer:   My keyboard is not working anymore.
Tech support:  Are you sure it's plugged into the computer?
Customer:  No. I can't get behind the computer.
Tech support:  Pick up your keyboard and walk 10 paces back.
Customer:!   OK
Tech support:   Did the keyboard come with you?
Customer:  Yes
Tech support:  That means the keyboard is not plugged in. Is there another keyboard?
Customer:  Yes, there's another one here. Ah...that one does work...


 ===============


Tech support:   Your password is the small letter 'a' as in apple, a capital letter V as in Victor, the number 7.
Customer:  Is that 7 in capital letters ?


 == =============


Customer:  can't get on the Internet.
Tech support:  Are you sure you used the right password?
Customer:  Yes, I'm sure. I saw my colleague do it.
Tech support:  Can you tell me what the password was?
Customer:  Five stars.


 ===============


Tech support:   What anti-virus program do you use?
Customer:  Netscape.
Tech support:  That's not an anti-virus program.
Customer:  Oh, sorry...Internet Explorer.


 ===============


Customer:   I have a huge problem. A friend has placed a screen saver on my computer, but every time I move the mouse, it disappears.


 ===============


Tech support:  How may I help you?
Customer:  I'm writing my first e-mail.
Tech support:  OK,  and what seems to be the problem?
Customer:  Well, I have the letter 'a' in the address, but how do I get the circle around it?


 ===============


A woman customer called the Canon help desk with a problem with her printer.
Tech support:  Are you running it under windows?
Customer:  'No, my desk is next to the door, but that is a good point.  The man sitting in the cubicle next to me is under a window, and his  printer is working fine.'


 ===============


And last but not least...

Tech support: 'Okay Colin, let's press the control and escape keys at the same time. That brings up a task list in the middle of the screen. Now type the letter 'P' to bring up the Program Manager.'
Customer:  I don't have a P.
Tech support:  On your keyboard, Colin.
Customer:   What do you mean?
Tech support:  'P'.....on your keyboard, Colin.
Customer:  I'M NOT GOING TO DO THAT!!
Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I´m not so sure about the universe

Offline GAP

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Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
« Reply #144 on: April 07, 2010, 14:06:27 »
I was out with family and friends at a local pub. 

They had a contest going on at the pub ----and of course we all joined in. 

I was doing quite well, proud of being able to answer all the questions.

I lost out on winning the pub quiz by one point. 

The question was, "Where do women mostly have curly hair?"

I was wrong...................apparently its Africa.
Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I´m not so sure about the universe

Offline DexOlesa

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Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
« Reply #145 on: April 07, 2010, 15:49:33 »
My buddies and I had just passed Aircrew selection and went to a bar to celebrate, we were getting our orders and the waitress asked "So whats the occasion?" we told her we had just passed the military's aircrew selection. One guy jokingly said "Yeah we're Naval Aviators" (yeah we all watched topgun that night can you blame us  ::)  ) she looked at us and said "oh? is that like aviation?"..........................

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Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
« Reply #146 on: April 08, 2010, 07:53:46 »
My buddies and I had just passed Aircrew selection and went to a bar to celebrate, we were getting our orders and the waitress asked "So whats the occasion?" we told her we had just passed the military's aircrew selection. One guy jokingly said "Yeah we're Naval Aviators" (yeah we all watched topgun that night can you blame us  ::)  ) she looked at us and said "oh? is that like aviation?"..........................

 ??? Guess you had to be there.
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What scares me is how comfortable people are doing nothing about it.

Offline DexOlesa

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Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
« Reply #147 on: April 08, 2010, 08:40:17 »
hey you said dumbest not funniest. This chick was the dumbest waitress I have EVER seen.

Offline DexOlesa

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Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
« Reply #148 on: April 08, 2010, 08:48:19 »
and now I am the dumbest thing I've heard today as this is NOT the thread I thought I was posting in.

Offline fischer10

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Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
« Reply #149 on: April 08, 2010, 09:09:13 »
and now I am the dumbest thing I've heard today as this is NOT the thread I thought I was posting in.

WIN! You made my day and I JUST woke up. Going to be a great day!

Here is something to add:

http://failblog.files.wordpress.com/2010/04/129124422793160673.jpg
Perseverance.