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Thee Chuck Norris Thread

Baloo

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http://www.4q.cc/chuck/index.php?topthirty

Some good ones:

Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.

Chuck Norris's girlfriend once asked him how much wood a woodchuck could chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood. He then shouted, "HOW DARE YOU RHYME IN THE PRESENCE OF CHUCK NORRIS!" and ripped out her throat. Holding his girlfriend's bloody throat in his hand he bellowed, "Don't fuck with Chuck!" Two years and five months later he realized the irony of this statement and laughed so hard that anyone within a hundred mile radius of the blast went deaf.

The original theme song to the Transformers was actually "Chuck Norris--more than meets the eye, Chuck Norris--robot in disguise," and starred Chuck Norris as a Texas Ranger who defended the earth from drug-dealing Decepticons and could turn into a pick-up. This was far too much awesome for a single show, however, so it was divided.

Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.

Chuck Norris has yet to get a Jeopardy question wrong. Jesus has missed two.

The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.

Chuck Norris once went to a frat party, and proceeded to roundhouse every popped collar in sight. He then drank three kegs and shit on their floor, just because he's Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.

If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck Norris you may be only seconds away from death.
 

Fishbone Jones

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Now there's a waste of bandwidth if I ever saw it. Should be entered under "Don't Post While Smoking Crack" ;)
 

Baloo

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Well. I can see SOME people didn't enjoy Walker: Texas Ranger.
 

Glorified Ape

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Hehe... I love some of those. Not quite as funny as the "Bill Bradsky" quotes from SNL, but still funny.
 

fleeingjam

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Baloo said:
Well. I can see SOME people didn't enjoy Walker: Texas Ranger.

That show was awsome... on that VR channel.

and i gotta agree "If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck Norris you may be only seconds away from death. " is the best fitting Mr.Norris.

chuck_norris_age_49.jpg


:cdn:
 

Weiner

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The only sad part is that he hit his most intriguing and pivotal role in Dodgeball, it's all down hill from here.
 

zipperhead_cop

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CanEhdian said:
Chuck Norris has nothing on the superior Steven Seagal.

Here is some important information on Chuck Norris (not created by me, unknown author):

1.Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot broke the
speed of light, went back in time, and killed Amelia Earhart while she was
flying over the Pacific Ocean.

2. Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.

3. Chuck Norris does not have AIDS but he gives it to people anyway.

4. Rather than being birthed like a normal child, Chuck Norris instead decided
to punch his way out of his mother's womb. Shortly thereafter he grew a
beard.

5. When Chuck Norris plays Oregon Trail his family does not die from cholera or
dysentery, but rather roundhouse kicks to the face. He also requires no
wagon, since he carries the oxen, axles, and buffalo meat on his back. He
always makes it to Oregon before you.

6. Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and
unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was
finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul
back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he
should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of
the month.

7. Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK
assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets with his beard,
deflecting them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer amazement.

8. Chuck Norris's girlfriend once asked him how much wood a woodchuck could
chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood. He then shouted, "HOW DARE YOU RHYME
IN THE PRESENCE OF CHUCK NORRIS!" and ripped out her throat. Holding his
girlfriend's bloody throat in his hand he bellowed, "Don't f*ck with Chuck!"
Two years and five months later he realized the irony of this statement and
laughed so hard that anyone within a hundred mile radius of the blast went
deaf.

9. Chuck Norris recently had the idea to sell his urine as a canned beverage.
We know this beverage as Red Bull.

10. A man once asked Chuck Norris if his real name is "Charles". Chuck Norris
did not respond, he simply stared at him until he exploded.

11. To prove it isn't that big of a deal to beat cancer. Chuck Norris smoked 15
cartons of cigarettes a day for 2 years and acquired 7 different kinds of
cancer only to rid them from his body by flexing for 30 minutes. Beat that,
Lance Armstrong.

12. The original theme song to the Transformers was actually "Chuck Norris--more
than meets the eye, Chuck Norris--robot in disguise," and starred Chuck
Norris as a Texas Ranger who defended the earth from drug-dealing
Decepticons and could turn into a pick-up. This was far too much awesome for
a single show, however, so it was divided.

13. Chuck Norris was the fourth Wiseman. He brought baby Jesus the gift of
"beard". Jesus wore it proudly to his dying day. The other Wisemen, jealous
of Jesus' obvious gift favoritism, used their combined influence to have
Chuck omitted from the Bible. Shortly after all three died of roundhouse
kick related deaths.

14. Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.

15. Chuck Norris can make a woman climax by simply pointing at her and saying
"booya".

16. Chuck Norris once shot a German plane down with his finger, by yelling,
"Bang!"

17. Chuck Norris lives by only one rule: No Asian Chicks.

18. The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.

19. After much debate, President Truman decided to drop the atomic bomb on
Hiroshima rather than the alternative of sending Chuck Norris. His
reasoning? It was more "humane".

20. Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked
names for his left and right legs.

21. Chuck Norris found out about Conan O'Brien's lever that shows clips from
"Walker: Texas Ranger" and is working on a way to make it show clips of
Norris having sex with Conan's wife.

22. Chuck Norris took my virginity, and he will sure as hell take yours. If
you're thinking to yourself, "That's impossible, I already lost my
virginity.", then you are dead wrong.

23. Chuck Norris once went to a frat party, and proceeded to roundhouse every
popped collar in sight. He then drank three kegs and shit on their floor,
just because he's Chuck Norris.

24. If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck Norris
you may be only seconds away from death.

25. Chuck Norris frequently signs up for beginner karate classes, just so he can
"accidentally" beat the sh*t out of little kids.

So obviously, that beats your chubby wife beater.
 

GO!!!

Fallen Comrade
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GO!!! Doesn't walk anywhere - he lifts his foot and the world turns under him.

 

Greymatters

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Somewhere between didly and squat.  Check a local copy of your Overstreet Price Guide.  Mine is a couple years old, but your copy is listed as $3.50 US in Near Mint condition, meaning it must be a perfect issue.  However, since no one really collects it, and there are lots of issues out there, you'd be lucky to find anyone who wants it other than a Chuck Norris fan.  Most realsitic value is to hand it to your kids if you are done with it, or wait another 20 years for the price to go up.     
 

Bobby Rico

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Wait a minute, Chuck Norris has a chin?  I was told it was just another fist under his beard.
 
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