Author Topic: More and more funnies.. vol: something...  (Read 682599 times)

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Offline Retired AF Guy

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Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
« Reply #825 on: December 14, 2011, 20:45:00 »
That's why I'm banned from feeling the melons in the produce asile.   :D

As they say in certain parts of the world, "Women are OK, little boys are fine, but happiness is a ripe watermelon."
"Leave one wolf alive, and the sheep are never safe."

Arya Stark

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Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
« Reply #826 on: December 14, 2011, 20:49:54 »
"As I caress your firm roundness with my hands and press my face into your pink flesh, your sweet juice runs down my face."










(I LOVE WATERMELONS!)

Fixed typo.
« Last Edit: December 14, 2011, 21:21:44 by Retired AF Guy »
"Leave one wolf alive, and the sheep are never safe."

Arya Stark

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Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
« Reply #827 on: December 14, 2011, 21:44:34 »
Enough about watermelons. A little story by Jerry Pournelle about an experiment he participated in years ago in how cats would react in a zero-G gravity. Enjoy:

Quote
A long time ago at a Human Factors lab on an Air Force base in Texas, a group of human factors space scientists and Air Force pilots were sitting in the O Club and got to talking about cats and zero gravity. How would a cat orient in micro gravity? Visually? They always land on their feet. But what if they couldn’t feel which way was down?

A few drinks later we realized that one of the pilots wasn’t having a drink because he had to do a proficiency flight later that afternoon. And we already had a camera rigged in the cockpit of a T Bird, and if a couple of us certified this as a human factors experiment it wouldn’t cost the government anything it wasn’t going to spend on the proficiency flight, and it would be an interesting experiment, and — Well, it seemed like a great idea at the time, and the captain who’d be flying thought it would be a good idea.

We rigged up the body sensors – he did have to insert the rectal thermometer thermistor, and we put on the face and hand temperature sensors and the other polygraph stuff and turned on the recorders. Then we captured the O Club cat, a calico, and he carried her along to the T Bird, and with the cat sitting comfortably in his lap he took off with a flight plan that included a long parabolic arc that would produce more than 15 seconds of essentially zero gravity.

All was well until he got into the parabolic flight, at which point he took the cat off his lap and released her in zero gravity. The camera recorded it all. The cat looked about wildly, realized it wasn’t moving, rotated itself so that its feet were straight out toward the pilot’s chest, and teleported – that’s the best description I could make from seeing that film run several times – toward the pilot. Claws extended. It anchored itself, finding the opening in the flight suit from which the physiological sensor wires protruded. Claws out. Firmly anchored.

The rest of the film shows the pilot frantically trying to fly while trying to peel the cat off his chest. It held fast until after landing.
Then the cat allowed the pilot to carry it off the airplane and back to the club, whereupon it vanished and wouldn’t speak to any of us for a week.

But we did learn that in zero gravity a cat will orient toward the nearest human, latch on, and never let go. I suppose that film is still making the rounds of USAF, but maybe not. It was film long before digitizing film was easy or even possible, and eventually that wears out. I haven’t seen it for years.
Emphasis mine.
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Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
« Reply #828 on: December 15, 2011, 15:41:54 »
Okay, apparently linking images from http://iwastesomuchtime.com/ is not on.

It was a picture of Tom Hanks and Wilson from Castaway with the title "Still a better love story than Twilight"

 ;D
« Last Edit: December 16, 2011, 09:48:46 by PMedMoe »
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Offline Rifleman62

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Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
« Reply #830 on: December 17, 2011, 08:43:30 »
For Zoomie, Loachman, Supersonic Max and friends:

After every flight, pilots fill out a form called a gripe sheet, which conveys to the mechanics problems ...
...  encountered with the aircraft during the flight that need repair or correction.

The mechanics read and correct the problem, and then respond in writing on the lower half of the form what remedial action was taken, and the pilot reviews the gripe sheets before the next flight.

Never let it be said that ground crews and engineers lack a sense of humor! Here are some actual logged maintenance complaints and problems as submitted by Qantas pilots and the solution recorded by maintenance engineers. (By the way, Qantas is the only major airline that has never had an accident.)

(P = The problem logged by the pilot.) (S = The solution and action taken by the engineers.)

•   P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement. S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.
•   P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough. S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.
•   P: Something loose in cockpit. S: Something tightened in cockpit.
•   P: Dead bugs on windshield. S: Live bugs on back-order.
•   P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear. S: Evidence removed.
•   P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick. S: That's what they're there for.
•   P: IFF inoperative. S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.
•   P: Suspected crack in windshield. S: Suspect you're right.
•   P: Number 3 engine missing. S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.
•   P: Aircraft handles funny. S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.
•   P: Target radar hums. S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.
•   P: Mouse in cockpit. S: Cat installed.
•   P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer. S: Took hammer away from midget.





Never Congratulate Yourself In Victory, Nor Blame Your Horses In Defeat - Old Cossack Expression

Offline Journeyman

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Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
« Reply #831 on: December 17, 2011, 13:35:35 »

Offline Retired AF Guy

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Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
« Reply #832 on: December 25, 2011, 16:21:58 »
Music by Arnie...
"Leave one wolf alive, and the sheep are never safe."

Arya Stark

Offline PMedMoe

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Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
« Reply #833 on: December 26, 2011, 11:56:30 »
So true, but I think I'd say more like the 70's.



"A good traveler has no fixed plans, and is not intent on arriving".
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Offline Mr. Bumpy

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Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
« Reply #834 on: December 26, 2011, 18:15:40 »
Love it..
I make things go Bump in the Night.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VBlFHuCzPgY

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Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
« Reply #835 on: December 26, 2011, 18:17:49 »
This is how the CF works..
I make things go Bump in the Night.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VBlFHuCzPgY

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Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
« Reply #836 on: December 26, 2011, 18:19:33 »
So true...
I make things go Bump in the Night.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VBlFHuCzPgY

Offline Mr. Bumpy

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Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
« Reply #837 on: December 27, 2011, 17:15:39 »
LOL
I make things go Bump in the Night.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VBlFHuCzPgY

Offline Technoviking

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Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
« Reply #838 on: December 29, 2011, 22:00:20 »
What does DNA stand for?
The National Dyslexia Association.

 :bowing:
So, there I was....

Offline Hammer Sandwich

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Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
« Reply #839 on: December 29, 2011, 22:05:50 »
What does DNA stand for?
The National Dyslexia Association.

EAHT CMRIE!!!!

You're a dab nam........
My Youtube Channel: TACTICAL FAIL INC: http://www.youtube.com/user/HammerSandwich9

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Offline DexOlesa

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Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
« Reply #840 on: December 29, 2011, 23:27:12 »
So true, but I think I'd say more like the 70's.



The difference is, when we did something stupid (and we did lets be honest) we got hurt, our parents gave us a bandage (or whatever) called us morons and sent us back out to play. Now, they rush them to the hospital call them poor baby and sue the toy company. Kids are getting dumber though, no doubt

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Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
« Reply #841 on: December 29, 2011, 23:50:39 »
Kids are getting dumber though, no doubt
So it appears in the Recruiting threads.    :not-again:

Offline Hammer Sandwich

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Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
« Reply #842 on: December 30, 2011, 01:08:46 »



I'm throwin' in a joke;

Three Holy Men & A Bear

A Catholic Priest, a Baptist Preacher, and a Rabbi all served as
chaplains to the students of Northern Michigan University in
Marquette. They would get together two or three times a week for
coffee and to talk shop.

One day, someone made the comment that preaching to people isn't
really all that hard - a real challenge would be to preach to a bear.
One thing led to another, and they decided to do an experiment.

They would all go out into the woods, find a bear, preach to it, and
attempt to convert it.

Seven days later, they all came together to discuss their experience.

Father Flannery, who had his arm in a sling, was on crutches, and had
various bandages on his body and limbs, went first. 'Well,' he said,
'I went into the woods to find me a bear. And when I found him, I
began to read to him from the Catechism. Well, that bear wanted
nothing to do with me and began to slap me around. So I quickly
grabbed my holy water, sprinkled him and, Holy Mary Mother of God,
he became as gentle as a lamb.. The Bishop is coming out next week
to give him first communion and confirmation.'


Reverend Billy Bob spoke next.. He was in a wheelchair, had one arm
and both legs in casts, and had an IV drip. In his best
fire-and-brimstone oratory, he claimed, 'WELL, brothers, you KNOW
that we don't sprinkle! I went out and I FOUND me a bear. And then I
began to read to my bear from God's HOLY WORD! But that bear wanted
nothing to do with me. So I took HOLD of him and we began to
wrestle. We wrestled down one hill, UP another and DOWN another until
we came to a creek. So I quickly DUNKED him and BAPTIZED his hairy
soul. And just like you said, he became as gentle as a lamb.. We
spent the rest of the day praising Jesus..Hallelujah!

The priest and the reverend both looked down at the Rabbi, who was
lying in a hospital bed. He was in a body cast and traction with IVs
and monitors running in and out of him.

He was in really bad shape.

The Rabbi looked up and said: "Looking back on it, .......
circumcision may not have been the best way to start."
« Last Edit: December 30, 2011, 01:53:50 by Scott »
My Youtube Channel: TACTICAL FAIL INC: http://www.youtube.com/user/HammerSandwich9

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Sgt. P. Worobec, Lake Sups, 1918-2006, R.I.P.

"Tell them you eat babies" bdave, 2010

Offline Rifleman62

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Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
« Reply #843 on: January 01, 2012, 09:43:21 »
Clever Jury

 
In a criminal justice system based on 12 individuals not smart enough to get out of jury duty, here is a jury to be proud of:
 
A defendant was on trial for murder.  There was strong evidence indicating guilt, but there was no corpse.
 
In the defence's closing statement, the lawyer, knowing that his client would probably be convicted, resorted to a trick.
 
"Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I have a surprise for you all," the lawyer said as he looked at his watch.  "Within one minute, the person presumed dead in this case will walk into this courtroom." He looked toward the courtroom door.  The jurors, somewhat stunned, all looked on eagerly.
 
A minute passed.  Nothing happened.
 
Finally the lawyer said, "Actually, I made up the previous statement.  But you all looked on with anticipation.  I, therefore, put it to you that you have a reasonable doubt in this case as to whether anyone was killed, and I insist that you return a verdict of not guilty."
 
The jury retired to deliberate.  A few minutes later, the jury returned and pronounced a verdict of guilty.
 
"But how?" inquired the lawyer.  "You must have had some doubt; I saw all of you stare at the door."
 
The jury foreman replied:
 
"Yes, we did look,
 
But Your Client Didn't."
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Offline Loachman

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Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
« Reply #844 on: January 02, 2012, 02:37:25 »

Offline Rifleman62

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Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
« Reply #845 on: January 02, 2012, 18:42:44 »
See photo
Never Congratulate Yourself In Victory, Nor Blame Your Horses In Defeat - Old Cossack Expression

Offline Technoviking

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Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
« Reply #846 on: January 02, 2012, 18:49:22 »
So, there I was....

Offline Retired AF Guy

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Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
« Reply #847 on: January 03, 2012, 10:28:49 »
"Last night you laid on my naked body,

and applied your mouth to me without guilt or humiliation.

You drove me near crazy while you drained me.

Today when I awoke you were gone.

I searched for you but to no avail.

Only the sheets bare last nights events.

My body still bares marks of your ravishing,

making it all the more difficult to forget you.

Tonight, I will remain awake, waiting for you......











You f**king mosquito!!!!"
"Leave one wolf alive, and the sheep are never safe."

Arya Stark

Offline Loachman

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Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
« Reply #848 on: January 03, 2012, 10:34:50 »

jollyjacktar

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Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
« Reply #849 on: January 03, 2012, 11:12:35 »
Funny, Loachman.   ;D