Author Topic: More and more funnies.. vol: something...  (Read 676898 times)

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Offline Cardstonkid

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Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
« Reply #750 on: November 08, 2011, 15:24:50 »
The Canadian Forces recently hired several cannibals.

"You are all part of our team now", said the career manager, during the welcoming briefing. "You get all the usual benefits and you can go to the mess for something to eat, but please don't eat any of the soldiers".

The cannibals promised they would not. Four weeks later their colonel remarked " You are working very hard, and I am very satisfied with you, however, one of our techs has disappeared, do you know what happened to him?" The cannibals all shook their heads no.

After the Colonel had left, the leader of the cannibals said to the others, "Which one of you idiots ate the tech?" A hand rose hesitantly, to which the leader shouted," You fool..! For four weeks we've been eating officers and no one has noticed, but noooooo..., you had to go and eat someone important!"
UBIQUE!

Offline PMedMoe

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Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
« Reply #751 on: November 09, 2011, 11:33:33 »
Perhaps not intentionally meant to be funny, but I found these descriptions of winter drivers in The Globe and Mail's "Road Sage.

Article Link

Road Sage Winter Driving Dictionary

All Season:
This driver is as constant as the Northern Star. He drives the same (badly) in all weather conditions and he has the all-season tires to prove it. You are most likely to spot this driver sliding toward you across two lanes atop a few inches of snow covering a layer of ice.

Braker Braker:
Oh my god! Is that a car behind me? I BETTER SLAM ON THE BRAKES! Is there a tiny bit of snow falling? I BETTER SLAM ON MY BRAKES! Is it sunny? SLAM ON THE BRAKES! Nothing bad can happen as long as I SLAM ON THE BRAKES!

The Expert:
“I don't worry about winter driving. I know how to drive in winter. If you know how to drive it's okay to go 80 km/h in a 40 km/h zone during a blizzard. No, I never went to skid school or trained but I've watched tons of winter driving videos on YouTube. Who has time to learn how to drive in the winter? I'm too busy driving in winter.”

Greenhouse Effect:
You know what's super confusing? The defrost system of an automobile. Just how precisely do they work? I mean, the button says “defrost” and also has a picture symbolizing the act of defrosting but what does that really mean? The Greenhouse Effect is easy to locate – just look for an automobile that has windows so fogged up with icy humidity that the motorist operating it is effectively blind. Generally the driver is peering through a small hole the size of a snowball.

The Igloo:
While the rest of us wrestle with scrapers and brushes, the Igloo driver deals with a snowfall by running a gloved hand across his windshield – then He's good to go. These rolling DQ ice cream cakes can be found in every town and city. They have zero visibility but don't worry the snow and ice eventually melts off – around May.

Pride and Prejudice and 4-Wheel Drive:
It is a truth universally acknowledged, that a single man in possession of a good 4WD vehicle must believe that he has better stopping power than other drivers. However false this feeling – 4WD only provides better traction to accelerate to high speeds. They can't stop any faster than two-wheeled vehicles – such men can be seen in every neighbourhood ripping down streets and crashing into stop signs or flying into highway ditches.

The Great Unwashed:
Just as men of a certain age are afraid to go out in the cold with wet hair, this driver is afraid to have his car washed during the winter. He is also loath to keep a spare jug of washer fluid in the trunk. The result? Dusty Beyond-Thunder-Dome vision-impaired cars that look as if they have been spray-painted with a combination of cat litter and glue.

Wiper Disciple:
A strange breed, the Wiper Disciple believes that any and all winter-related obstacles can be dealt with by turning on your windshield wipers. Facing a snow storm? Turn on wipers. Blizzard and freezing rain? Turn on wipers really fast. Black ice? Turn on wipers and two squirts of washer fluid. Can usually be found staring, mesmerized at their windshield wipers as they rock hypnotically back and forth.
___________________________________________________________________________________

I see the Braker Brakers all the time on dry pavement.  Drives me nuts.  Maybe they should get their brakes checked if they don't trust them.

Edit to add:  Some good ones also in the comment section to this article.
« Last Edit: November 09, 2011, 11:41:17 by PMedMoe »
"A good traveler has no fixed plans, and is not intent on arriving".
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jollyjacktar

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Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
« Reply #752 on: November 09, 2011, 12:15:16 »
Troops ( Bad boys) Stormtrooper cops    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eqF_CVQ_U_I&feature=related   

Been years since I saw this one.  It's still good for a laugh.  Enjoy  ;D

Offline GAP

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Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
« Reply #753 on: November 15, 2011, 09:56:20 »
New Immigration Policy

To save the economy, on January 1, 2012, Prime Minister Harper will announce that he is ordering the immigration department to start deporting old people (instead of illegals) in order to lower Canada Pension, Old Age Security, and Medical costs.
   

They found that old people are easier to catch, and will not remember how to get back home!

 

I started crying when I thought of you.

 

 

(See you on the bus)
Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I´m not so sure about the universe

Offline Cardstonkid

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Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
« Reply #754 on: November 15, 2011, 14:27:01 »
Frank goes to work and gingerly sits down in his cubical. His co-worker Ken asks, "What's wrong?"

Franks replied " I don't want to talk about it"

Ken asks, "why are you limping and why do you have a black eye? Did you get mugged?"

"All right then, I will tell you, but don't ell anyone, its embarrassing." Frank said. "You know I sing in my church choir right?"

"Yes" Ken says.

"Well I sit behind this big woman, and she has a huge butt. Well you know how it is sometimes when a big woman stands up and her dress gets stuck in her butt cheeks?

"Sure" Ken replied.

"Well the big girl stood up and her dress was all in her butt,  I felt bad for her and I reached up and pulled it out , so she wouldn't be embarrassed."

"You didn't!" Ken exclaimed.

"I did, and she laid a beating on me I will never forget. I think she broke my ribs, bruised my tailbone and  broke my nose!"

"I guess you will know to never to do that again eh Frank?" Ken said.


A month later Ken cam to work with an arm in a cast, a patch over an eye and two black eyes.

Ken upon seeing this said, "Oh my god, what happened? Did you total your car?"

"I don't want to talk about it" Frank moaned.

"You didn't do what I think you did, did you?" Ken asked.

"No, it's even worse! The big choir woman stood up and her dress was all caught up in her butt again. The guy next to me saw it, and he reached up and pulled it out. I remembered how much she hated that, so I pushed it right back up again!"
UBIQUE!

Offline GAP

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Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
« Reply #755 on: November 16, 2011, 09:32:31 »
And They Say Canadians Don't Brag.....
 
So, what do we Canadians have to be Proud of?
1. Smarties (not sold in the USA)
2. Crispy Crunch, Coffee Crisp
(not sold in the USA)
3. The size of our footballs fields, one less
down, and bigger balls.
4. Baseball is Canadian - 1st game
June 4, 1838 - Ingersoll, ON
5. Lacrosse is Canadian
6. Hockey is Canadian
7. Basketball is Canadian
8. Apple pie is Canadian
9. Mr. Dress-up beats Mr. Rogers
10. Tim Hortons beats Dunkin' Donuts
11. In the war of 1812, started by America , Canadians pushed the Americans back past
their White House. Then we burned it, and
most of Washington ...
We got bored because they ran away.
Then, we came home and partied....
Go figure.
12. Canada has the largest French population
that never surrendered to Germany.
13. We have the largest English population
that never surrendered or withdrew
during any war to anyone, anywhere. EVER!
(We got clobbered in the odd battle but
prevailed in ALL the wars)
14. Our civil war was fought in a bar and
lasted a little over an hour.
15. The only person who was arrested in our
civil war was an American mercenary who
slept in and missed the whole thing.
He showed up just in time to get caught.
16. A Canadian invented Standard Time.
17. The Hudsons Bay Company once owned
Over 10% of the earth's surface and is still
around as the world's oldest company.
18. The average dog sled team can kill and
devour a human in under 3 minutes.
(More information than we need!)
19. We know what to do with the parts
of a buffalo.
20. We don't marry our kin-folk...
21. We invented ski-doos, jet-skis, Velcro,
zippers, insulin, penicillin and the telephone.
And short wave radios which save countless
lives each year.
22. We have ALL frozen our tongues to
something metal and lived to tell about it.
23. A Canadian invented Superman.
24. We have coloured money.
25. Our beer advertisements kick ***
... as does our beer.
AND MOST IMPORTANT ....
The handles on our beer cases are big enough for hands with mitts on.
Oh..... Canada!
Oh yeah... and our elections only take one day!
Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I´m not so sure about the universe

Offline WR

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Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
« Reply #756 on: November 16, 2011, 09:58:25 »
Wandering about, he notices a panther heading rapidly in his direction with the intention of having lunch.
The old German Shepherd thinks, "Oh, oh! I'm in deep crap now!"
Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the panther is about to leap, the old German Shepherd exclaims loudly,

"Boy, that was one delicious panther! I wonder, if there are any more around here?"
Hearing this, the young panther halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees.
"Whew!," says the panther, "That was close! That old German Shepherd nearly had me!"

Meanwhile, a squirrel who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the panther. So, off he goes.

 The squirrel soon catches up with the panther, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the panther. The young panther is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here, squirrel, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine!"

Now, the old German Shepherd sees the panther coming with the squirrel on his back and thinks, "What am I going to do now?," but instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old German Shepherd says...

Where's that squirrel? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another panther!"


Moral of this story...

                             
Don't mess with the old dogs.... Age and skill will always overcome youth and treachery!
Bull crap and brilliance only come with age and experience

Offline Baden Guy

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Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
« Reply #757 on: November 16, 2011, 16:50:19 »
The following questions were set in last year's GED examination 
These are genuine answers (from 16 year olds)............and they WILL breed.

Q. Name the four seasons
A. Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar

Q. Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink
A. Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large  pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists

Q. How is dew formed
A. The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire

Q. What causes the tides in the oceans
A. The tides are a fight between the earth and the moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins the fight

Q. What are steroids
A. Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs              (Shoot yourself now , there is little hope)

Q.. What happens to your body as you age
A. When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental

Q. What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty
A. He says goodbye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery               (So true)

Q. Name a major disease associated with cigarettes
A. Premature death

Q. How can you delay milk turning sour
A. Keep it in the cow                                  (Simple, but brilliant)

Q. How are the main 20 parts of the body categorised (e.g. The abdomen)
A. The body is consisted into 3 parts - the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels: A, E, I,O,U..                (wtf!)                                                   

Q. What is the fibula?
A. A small lie

Q. What does 'varicose' mean?
A. Nearby

Q. What is the most common form of birth control
A. Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium            (That would work)

Q. Give the meaning of the term 'Caesarean section'
A. The caesarean section is a district in Rome

Q. What is a seizure?
A. A Roman Emperor.               (Julius Seizure, I came, I saw, I had a fit)

Q. What is a terminal illness
A. When you are sick at the airport.           (Irrefutable)

Q. Give an example of a fungus. What is a characteristic feature?
A. Mushrooms. They always grow in damp places and they look like umbrellas

Q. Use the word 'judicious' in a sentence to show you understand its meaning
A. Hands that judicious can be soft as your face.            (OMG)

Q. What does the word 'benign' mean?
A. Benign is what you will be after you be eight   (brilliant)

Q. What is a turbine?
A. Something an Arab or Shreik wears on his head
 
 
 
 

Offline PMedMoe

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Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
« Reply #758 on: November 16, 2011, 21:54:19 »
From a friend on FB.  It takes a Canadian to help Americans have a safer Thanksgiving.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EYkRF_FmD40&feature=share
"A good traveler has no fixed plans, and is not intent on arriving".
~ Lao Tzu~

Offline Rifleman62

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Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
« Reply #759 on: November 18, 2011, 09:57:26 »
Police Officer in the UK

Question:

How do you tell the difference between a British Police Officer, an Australian Police Officer and an American Police Officer?
Answer:

First — let's pose the following question:

- You're on duty by yourself walking on a deserted street late at night.
- Suddenly, an armed man with a huge knife comes around the corner, locks eyes with you, screams obscenities, raises the knife, and lunges at you.
- You are carrying a Glock .40, and you are an expert shot, however you have only a split second to react before he reaches you.
- What do you do?
 
BRITISH POLICE OFFICER:
 
Firstly the officer must consider the man's Human Rights.

1) Does the man look poor or oppressed?
2) Is he newly arrived in this country and does not yet understand the law?
3) Have I ever done anything to him that would inspire him to attack?
4) Am I dressed provocatively?
5) Could I run away?
6) Could I possibly swing my gun like a club and knock the knife out of his hand?
7) Should I try and negotiate with him to discuss his wrong doings?
8) Does the Glock have appropriate safety built into it?
9) Why am I carrying a loaded gun anyway, and what kind of message does this send to society?
10) Does he definitely want to kill me, or would he be content just to wound me?
11) If I were to grab his knees and hold on, would he still want to stab and kill me?
12) If I raise my gun and he turns and runs away, do I get blamed if he falls over, knocks his head and kills himself? .
13) If I shoot and wound him, and lose the subsequent court case, does he have the opportunity to sue me, cost me my job, my credibility and the loss of my family home?
 
AUSTRALIAN POLICE OFFICER:

BANG!
 
AMERICAN POLICE OFFICER:

BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!
   'click' . . .

(Sergeant arrives at scene later and remarks: 'Nice grouping!').
 
 
 
Never Congratulate Yourself In Victory, Nor Blame Your Horses In Defeat - Old Cossack Expression

Offline GnyHwy

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Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
« Reply #760 on: November 18, 2011, 20:00:00 »
From a friend on FB.  It takes a Canadian to help Americans have a safer Thanksgiving.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EYkRF_FmD40&feature=share

Another turkey themed funny.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7Xc5wIpUenQ&ob=av3e

These guys are from Quebec and have some great youtube vids.  All their vids are food based.  Either follow this link or type "epic meal time" into youtube.

FYI, I'm making this sucker someday.  I'll put this in the manly thread too.

Offline PMedMoe

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Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
« Reply #761 on: November 19, 2011, 10:02:28 »
FYI, I'm making this sucker someday.  I'll put this in the manly thread too.

One of these days, I'm going to hit New Orleans (again) at Thanksgiving or Christmas/New Year's and have turducken.   :nod:  Bacon would just improve that.   ;D
"A good traveler has no fixed plans, and is not intent on arriving".
~ Lao Tzu~

Offline TN2IC

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jollyjacktar

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Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
« Reply #763 on: November 19, 2011, 13:09:30 »
 :rofl:  Gotta love Tex!

Offline Rifleman62

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Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
« Reply #764 on: November 19, 2011, 19:23:14 »
THE OLDER WOMAN

I ended up with an older woman at a club last night. She looked OK for a 61 year-old. In fact, she wasn't too bad at all, and I found myself thinking that she probably had a really hot daughter.

We drank a bit, and had a bit of a snuggle, and then she asked if I'd ever had a Sportsman's Double.

'What's that?' I asked.

'It's a mother and daughter threesome,' she said.

I said, 'No,' - excitedly.

We drank a bit more, then she says that tonight was 'my lucky night'.

I went back to her place.

She put on the hall light and shouted upstairs: 'Mum, you still awake?'
 
 




 
 
Never Congratulate Yourself In Victory, Nor Blame Your Horses In Defeat - Old Cossack Expression

Offline Tuna

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Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
« Reply #765 on: November 19, 2011, 23:21:53 »
I stole some of these for future use  >:D, i didn't read through the whole thing but here is one (if you don't have it)
"The only thing on earth smarter than a warrant officer is a senior officer" -WO Dygalo, 9th company of Russian infantry

Offline PMedMoe

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Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
« Reply #766 on: November 21, 2011, 21:55:04 »
Places I have and have not been


I have been in many places, but I've never been in Cahoots. Apparently, you can't go alone. You have to be in Cahoots with someone.

I've also never been in Cognito. I hear no one recognizes you there.

I have, however, been in Sane. They don't have an airport; you have to be driven there. I have made several trips there, thanks to my friends, family and work.

I would like to go to Conclusions, but you have to jump, and I'm not too much on physical activity anymore.

I have also been in Doubt. That is a sad place to go, and I try not to visit there too often.

I've been in Flexible, but only when it was very important to stand firm.

Sometimes I'm in Capable, and I go there more often as I'm getting older.

One of my favorite places to be is in Suspense! It really gets the adrenalin flowing and pumps up the old heart! At my age I need all the stimuli I can get!

And, sometimes I think I am in Vincible but life shows me I am not!

I have been in Deepshit many times; the older I get, the easier it is to get there.
"A good traveler has no fixed plans, and is not intent on arriving".
~ Lao Tzu~

Offline A.Bottoms

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Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
« Reply #767 on: November 21, 2011, 23:52:09 »



i thought you weren't allowed any facial hair in the forces?

Offline Occam

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Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
« Reply #768 on: November 22, 2011, 00:24:58 »
i thought you weren't allowed any facial hair in the forces?

Where did you get that idea?

Offline dangerboy

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Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
« Reply #769 on: November 22, 2011, 08:24:37 »
Just to end this tangent and get back to the jokes.

From the dress manual:

Subject to procedures established
by commanders of commands,
permission to wear a beard shall
only be granted to all ranks who
wear the naval uniform, wherever
serving; all ranks on strength of an
infantry pioneer platoon; adherents
of the Sikh religion (see Section 3);
and personnel, on the direction of a
medical officer, subject to medical
reassessment at intervals not
exceeding six months. Other
personnel shall shave off their
beards.

Now lets get back to the jokes
All right, they're on our left, they're on our right, they're in front of us, they're behind us... they can't get away this time.
- Lt Gen Lewis B. Puller, USMC

Offline Loachman

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Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
« Reply #770 on: November 22, 2011, 12:39:41 »
Moustaches and eyebrows are alright too.

Offline Technoviking

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Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
« Reply #771 on: November 22, 2011, 12:48:58 »
Moustaches and eyebrows are alright too.
They are?  Damn...too late!!!!  :(
So, there I was....

Offline FlyingDutchman

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Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
« Reply #772 on: November 22, 2011, 14:38:30 »
You know, there was always something odd about Lassie to me...
"Let them eat cake."
"But I wanted a muffin!"

Offline Tuna

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Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
« Reply #773 on: November 22, 2011, 14:44:15 »
"The only thing on earth smarter than a warrant officer is a senior officer" -WO Dygalo, 9th company of Russian infantry

Offline Tuna

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Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
« Reply #774 on: November 22, 2011, 14:47:53 »




sorry for making 2 posts
"The only thing on earth smarter than a warrant officer is a senior officer" -WO Dygalo, 9th company of Russian infantry