Author Topic: More and more funnies.. vol: something...  (Read 686359 times)

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Offline RemembranceDay

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Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
« Reply #700 on: October 02, 2011, 22:55:57 »
Theres a laugh right there: spousal abuse.


Exactly :P

Offline Fishbone Jones

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Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
« Reply #701 on: October 02, 2011, 23:40:48 »
Slap-worthy.

With a glove? Like a challenge?
Corruption in politics doesn't scare me.
What scares me is how comfortable people are doing nothing about it.

Offline GnyHwy

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Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
« Reply #702 on: October 03, 2011, 00:26:15 »
All I can think about is the movie Head of State with Bernie Mac.  Very funny scene.  Slapping at its best.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OFaaVrqxqTc

Offline PMedMoe

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Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
« Reply #703 on: October 05, 2011, 08:27:11 »
Jack Daniels Fishing Story

I went fishing this morning but after a short time I ran out of worms.  Then I saw a cottonmouth with a frog in his mouth.  Frogs are good bass bait.

Knowing the snake couldn't bite me with the frog in his mouth, I grabbed him right behind the head, took the frog, and put it in my bait bucket.

Now the dilemma was how to release the snake without getting bit.  So, I grabbed my bottle of Jack Daniels and poured a little whiskey in its mouth.  His eyes rolled back, he went limp.  I released him into the lake without incident and carried on fishing using the frog.

A little later, I felt a nudge on my foot.

It was that snake, with two more frogs.



"A good traveler has no fixed plans, and is not intent on arriving".
~ Lao Tzu~

Offline PMedMoe

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Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
« Reply #704 on: October 05, 2011, 19:15:44 »
A gynecologist had become fed up with malpractice insurance and HMO paperwork, and was burned out.  Hoping to try another career where skillful hands would be beneficial, he decided to become a mechanic.

He went to the local technical college, signed up for evening classes, attended diligently, and learned all he could.

When the time of the practical exam approached, the gynecologist prepared carefully for weeks, and completed the exam with tremendous skill!

When the results came back, he was surprised to find that he had obtained a score of 150%.  Fearing an error, he called the instructor, saying, "I don't want to appear ungrateful for such an outstanding result, but I wonder if there is an error in the grade?"

The instructor said, "During the exam, you took the engine apart perfectly, which was worth 50% of the total mark, you put the engine back together again perfectly, which is also worth 50% of the mark."  After a pause, the instructor added, "I gave you an extra 50% because you did it all through the muffler, which I've never seen done in my entire career".

 ;D
"A good traveler has no fixed plans, and is not intent on arriving".
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Offline Diamondwillow

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Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
« Reply #705 on: October 05, 2011, 19:32:58 »
"I gave you an extra 50% because you did it all through the muffler, which I've never seen done in my entire career".

 ;D

HAHAHAH!!! Thank you for that laugh! :) :rofl: :rofl:
"Life is not about waiting for the storms to pass...it's about learning how to dance in the rain."  Unknown

Offline PMedMoe

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Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
« Reply #706 on: October 05, 2011, 19:44:36 »
HAHAHAH!!! Thank you for that laugh! :) :rofl: :rofl:

Even better, I got that email from a 70+ year old male.   ;)
"A good traveler has no fixed plans, and is not intent on arriving".
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Offline GAP

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Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
« Reply #707 on: October 07, 2011, 11:17:23 »
I’m Under Arrest for What? Fifty Bizarre U.S. Laws
By: Annie Tucker Morgan
Article Link

I’ve never claimed to have extensive knowledge of U.S. legislation throughout history, but it’s safe to say that I and most people I associate with are law-abiding citizens … or not. As it turns out, every state in this country has at least one wacky legal stipulation that could land residents in hot water if they don’t comply. Don’t say I didn’t warn you.

Alabama
It’s illegal to wear a fake mustache that causes laughter in church.

Alaska
Whispering in someone’s ear while he’s moose hunting is prohibited.

Arizona
Cutting down a cactus may earn you a twenty-five-year prison term.

Arkansas
It’s illegal to mispronounce the name of the state of Arkansas.

California
You may not eat an orange in your bathtub.

Colorado
It’s unlawful to lend your vacuum cleaner to your next-door neighbor (Denver).

Connecticut
A pickle cannot actually be a pickle unless it bounces.

Delaware
It’s illegal to get married on a dare.

Washington, D.C.
It’s against the law to post a public notice calling someone a coward for refusing to accept a challenge to duel.

Florida
If you tie an elephant to a parking meter, you must pay the same parking fee as you would for a vehicle.

Georgia
It’s illegal to change the clothes on a storefront mannequin unless you draw the shades first.

Hawaii
All residents may be fined for not owning a boat.

Idaho
A man must not give his sweetheart a box of candy weighing fewer than fifty pounds.

Illinois
It’s illegal to take a French poodle to the opera (Chicago).

Indiana
The value of pi is 4, and not 3.1415

Kansas
It’s illegal to throw knives at men wearing striped suits (Natoma).

Kentucky
Every citizen is required to take a shower once a year.

Louisiana
Biting someone with your natural teeth constitutes simple assault, but biting someone with your false teeth classifies as aggravated assault.

Maine
If you keep your Christmas decorations on display after January 14, you’ll be fined.

Maryland
It’s against the law to wash or scrub a sink, no matter how dirty it is (Baltimore).

Massachusetts
No gorilla is allowed in the backseat of any car.

Michigan
A woman may not cut her own hair without her husband’s permission.

Minnesota
It’s illegal to paint a sparrow with the intent of selling it as a parakeet (Harper Woods).

Mississippi
Walking a dog without dressing it in diapers is forbidden (Temperance).

Missouri
Children may buy shotguns in Kansas City, but not toy cap guns.

Montana
It’s a felony for a wife to open her husband’s mail.

Nebraska
Bar owners may not sell beer unless they brew a kettle of soup simultaneously.

Nevada
It’s illegal for men with mustaches to kiss women.

New Hampshire
It’s forbidden to sell the clothes you’re wearing to pay off a gambling debt.

New Jersey
It’s against the law for a man to knit during the fishing season.

New Mexico
Females may not appear unshaven in public.

New York
While riding in an elevator, you must talk to no one, fold your hands, and look toward the door.

North Carolina
It’s against the law to sing off-key.

North Dakota
It’s illegal to lie down and fall asleep with your shoes on.

Ohio
You must honk the horn whenever you pass another car, according to the state’s driver’s education manual.

Oklahoma
It’s forbidden to take a bite out of another person’s hamburger.

Oregon
State law requires dishes to be drip-dried.

Pennsylvania
It’s illegal to sleep on top of a refrigerator outdoors.

Rhode Island
You may not bite off another person’s leg.

South Carolina
If a man promises to marry an unmarried woman, he is required by law to keep his promise.

South Dakota
It is illegal to lie down and fall asleep in a cheese factory.

Tennessee
Selling hollow logs is strictly forbidden.

Texas
You may not shoot a buffalo from the second story of a hotel.

Utah
It is illegal not to drink milk.

ermont
Women must obtain written permission from their husbands to wear false teeth.

Virginia
Tickling a woman is unlawful.

Washington
It’s illegal to pretend that one’s parents are wealthy.

West Virginia
If you make fun of someone who does not accept a challenge, you risk a six-month prison sentence.

Wisconsin
Unless a customer specifically requests it, margarine may not be substituted for butter in a restaurant.

Wyoming
Unless you have an official permit, you may not take a picture of a rabbit from January to April.
end
Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I´m not so sure about the universe

Online Baden Guy

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Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
« Reply #708 on: October 07, 2011, 14:18:11 »
Subject: Navy SEAL Quote of the Week


The Strong Silent Type!

Dana Perrino ( Fox News) describing an interview she recently had with a Navy SEAL. After discussing all the countries he had been sent to, she asked if they had to learn several languages?


His reply:

"Oh no ma'am, we don't go there to talk."

http://www.sodahead.com/united-states/navy-seal-quote-of-the-week-love-it-or-hate-it/question-2173621/




Offline PMedMoe

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Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
« Reply #709 on: October 11, 2011, 10:57:01 »
Survey says: these vacation complaints are ridiculous

(From an actual survey by the UK's Thomas Cook Holidays and the Association of British Travel Agents)

1. "On my holiday to Goa in India, I was disgusted to find that almost every restaurant served curry. I don't like spicy food at all."

2. "My fiance and I booked a twin-bedded room but we were placed in a double-bedded room. We now hold you responsible for the fact that I find myself pregnant. This would not have happened if you had put us in the room that we booked."

3. "Topless sunbathing on the beach should be banned. The holiday was ruined as my husband spent all day looking at other women."

4. "We booked an excursion to a water park but no-one told us we had to bring our swimming costumes and towels."

5. "A tourist at a top African game lodge overlooking a waterhole, who spotted a visibly aroused elephant, complained that the sight of this rampant beast ruined his honeymoon by making him feel 'inadequate.' "

6. "The beach was too sandy."

7. "We found the sand was not like the sand in the brochure. Your brochure shows the sand as yellow but it was white."

8. "We bought Ray-Ban sunglasses for five Euros (about $3.50) from a street trader, only to find out they were fake."

9. "No one told us there would be fish in the sea. The children were startled."

10. "It took us nine hours to fly home from Jamaica to England. It only took the Americans three hours to get home."

11. "I compared the size of our one-bedroom apartment to our friends' three-bedroom apartment and ours was significantly smaller."

12. "I was bitten by a mosquito -- no-one said they could bite."


Some people should just stay home......    ::)
"A good traveler has no fixed plans, and is not intent on arriving".
~ Lao Tzu~

Offline FlyingDutchman

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Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
« Reply #710 on: October 11, 2011, 13:48:37 »
Please note I am of Dutch ancestry.
Me: I crave the food of my ancestors!
Wife: Tacos?
"Let them eat cake."
"But I wanted a muffin!"

Offline Bluebulldog

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Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
« Reply #711 on: October 11, 2011, 15:43:35 »
DEAD COW LECTURE
First-year students at the Vet School were attending their first anatomy
class, with a real dead cow. They all gathered around the surgery table
with the body covered with a white sheet.

The professor started the class by telling them, "In Veterinary medicine
it is necessary to have two important qualities as a doctor: the first
is that you not be disgusted by anything involving the animal body".


For an example, the Professor pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger in the
******* of the dead cow, withdrew it and stuck his finger in his mouth.
"Go ahead and do the same thing," he told his students.

The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes, but eventually
took turns sticking a finger in the butt of the dead cow and sucking on
it.

When everyone finished, the Professor looked at them and said, "the
second most important quality is observation. I stuck in my middle
finger and sucked on my index finger. Now learn to pay attention. Life's
tough, but it's even tougher if you're stupid.."
Age and treachery will always trump out youth and enthusiasm.

Offline RemembranceDay

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Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
« Reply #712 on: October 11, 2011, 20:50:07 »
DEAD COW LECTURE
First-year students at the Vet School were attending their first anatomy
class, with a real dead cow. They all gathered around the surgery table
with the body covered with a white sheet.

The professor started the class by telling them, "In Veterinary medicine
it is necessary to have two important qualities as a doctor: the first
is that you not be disgusted by anything involving the animal body".


For an example, the Professor pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger in the
******* of the dead cow, withdrew it and stuck his finger in his mouth.
"Go ahead and do the same thing," he told his students.

The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes, but eventually
took turns sticking a finger in the butt of the dead cow and sucking on
it.

When everyone finished, the Professor looked at them and said, "the
second most important quality is observation. I stuck in my middle
finger and sucked on my index finger. Now learn to pay attention. Life's
tough, but it's even tougher if you're stupid.."


I LOVE IT!!!! :D

Offline Hammer Sandwich

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Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
« Reply #713 on: October 12, 2011, 10:58:01 »
I never quite figured out why the sexual urge of men and women differ so much. And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing. I have never figured out why men think with their head and women with their heart.

FOR EXAMPLE:

One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed. Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says, 'I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me.'

I said, 'WHAT??!! What was that?!'

So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear...

'You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man.'

She responded to my puzzled look by saying, 'Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?'

Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.

The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take, so I told her we'd just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said, 'Lets get a pair for each outfit.'

We went on to the jewellery department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you... She was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis.

I think I threw her for a loop when I said, 'That's fine, honey.' She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement. Smiling with excited anticipation, she finally said, 'I think this is all Dear, let's go to the cashier.'

I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, 'No honey, I don't feel like it.'

Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled, 'WHAT?'

I then said, 'Honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman.'

And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, 'Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?'


 :dunno:
My Youtube Channel: TACTICAL FAIL INC: http://www.youtube.com/user/HammerSandwich9

"It doesn't bother me because I never had a bone to pick with anybody. I was out there doing my job."
Sgt. P. Worobec, Lake Sups, 1918-2006, R.I.P.

"Tell them you eat babies" bdave, 2010

Offline GAP

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Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
« Reply #714 on: October 12, 2011, 13:06:48 »
Video: Family lost in corn maze calls 911
AP Video
Published Wednesday, Oct. 12, 2011 12:33PM EDT
Article Link

A Massachusetts couple with two young kids has trouble navigating through a corn maze, so they call 911 for help. It took a police officer and his K-9 about 10 minutes to find them in Danvers, Mass. spread.
end
Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I´m not so sure about the universe

Offline SARgirl

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Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
« Reply #715 on: October 14, 2011, 21:15:59 »
Quote
Miss USA 2011 — Should Math Be Taught In Schools?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9QBv2CFTSWU
That Others May Live!
"Every survival kit should include a sense of humor."  ~ Author Unknown ~

Offline GAP

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Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
« Reply #716 on: October 14, 2011, 21:33:32 »
I've now experienced seeing a multitude of vacuums ................
Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I´m not so sure about the universe

Offline FlyingDutchman

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"Let them eat cake."
"But I wanted a muffin!"

Offline PMedMoe

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Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
« Reply #718 on: October 15, 2011, 11:47:40 »
PENSION SEX

Two men were talking.  'So, how's your sex life?'
'Oh, nothing special. I'm having Pension sex.'
'Pension sex?'   
'Yeah, you know; I get a little each month, but not enough to live on!'
         
LOUD SEX   

A wife went in to see a therapist and said, 'I've got a big problem, doctor.  Every time we're in bed and my husband climaxes, he lets out this ear splitting yell.'
'My dear,' the  shrink said, 'that's completely natural.  I don't see what the problem is.'
'The problem is,' she complained, 'it wakes me up!'

QUIET SEX
 
Tired of a listless sex life, the man came right out and asked his wife during a recent lovemaking session, 'How come you never tell me when you have an orgasm?'
She glanced at him and replied, 'You're never home!'
 
SEX & ARGUMENTS

A husband and his wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th wedding anniversary  The husband yelled, 'When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads:'Here Lies My Wife - Cold As Ever'.'
 
'Yeah,' she  replied, 'When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads: 'Here Lies My Husband - Stiff At Last.'
 
WOMEN'S HUMOROUS SEX
 
My husband came home with a tube of K Y jelly and said, 'This will make you happy tonight.'
 
He was right.  When he went out of the bedroom, I squirted it all over the doorknobs. He couldn't get back in.
 
ELDERLY SEX
 
One night, an 87 year-old woman came home from Bingo and found her 92 year-old husband in bed with another woman. She became violent and ended up pushing him off the balcony of their 20th floor, assisted living apartment, killing him instantly.
 
Brought before the court on the charge of murder, the judge asked her if she had anything to say in her defense.
She began coolly, 'Yes, your honor.  I figured that at 92, if he could have sex, he could also fly.'
"A good traveler has no fixed plans, and is not intent on arriving".
~ Lao Tzu~

Offline PMedMoe

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Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
« Reply #719 on: October 15, 2011, 11:55:39 »
And the hits just keep on coming.......

Comments made by State Troopers taken off their car videos:


1. "You know, stop lights don't come any redder than the one you just went through."


2. "Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're new.  They'll stretch after you wear them a while."


3. "If you take your hands off the car, I'll make your birth certificate a worthless document."


4. "If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."


5. "Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second?  Because that's the speed of the bullet that'll be chasing you."


6. "You don't know how fast you were going?  I guess that means I can write anything I want to on the ticket, huh?"


7. "Yes, sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will help.  Oh, did I mention that I'm the shift supervisor?"


8. "Warning! You want a warning?  O.K, I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket."


9. "The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not.  Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?"


10. "Fair? You want me to be fair?  Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy and corn dogs and step in monkey poop."


11. "Yeah, we have a quota.  Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven."


12. "In God we trust; all others we run through NCIC."


13. "Just how big were those 'two beers' you say you had?"


14. "No sir, we don't have quotas anymore.  We used to, but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we can."


15. "I'm glad to hear that the Chief (of Police) is a personal friend of yours.  So you know someone who can post your bail."


16. "You didn't think we give pretty women tickets?  You're right, we don't.  Sign here."
"A good traveler has no fixed plans, and is not intent on arriving".
~ Lao Tzu~

jollyjacktar

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Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
« Reply #720 on: October 15, 2011, 15:16:47 »
Hammer Sandwich, looks like you have some competition in the cbt satire field.  At least they know they are trying to be over the top.   Unlike your moron.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ES9QxE3sUaw&NR=1

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Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
« Reply #721 on: October 15, 2011, 15:34:20 »
Iron Man dancing in a park.  Pretty good moves I must say.  http://www.jokeroo.com/videos/funny/iron-man-dance.html

Offline NinerSix

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"A good traveler has no fixed plans, and is not intent on arriving".
~ Lao Tzu~

Offline GAP

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Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
« Reply #724 on: October 17, 2011, 10:44:49 »
Oxymorons   
Aug 30, '11

20. Government Organization

19. Alone Together

18. Personal Computer

17. Silent Scream

16. Living Dead

15. Small Crowd

14. Taped Live

13. Plastic Glasses

12. Tight Slacks

11. Peace Force

10. Pretty Ugly

9. Head But

8. Working Vacation

7. Tax Return

6. Virtual Reality

5. Dodge Ram

4. Work Party

3. Hard Water

2. Healthy Tan

1. Microsoft Works
Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I´m not so sure about the universe