Author Topic: More and more funnies.. vol: something...  (Read 686363 times)

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Offline ironduke57

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Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
« Reply #625 on: July 27, 2011, 12:35:23 »
Saddam Hussein ist still in power, sitting in his office wondering who to invade next when his telephone rang. "Hallo! Mr. Hussein," a heavily accented voice said. "This is Paddy down in County Cavan, Ireland. I am ringing to inform you that we are officially declaring war on you!"

"Well, Paddy," Saddam replied, "This is indeed important news! Tell me, how big is your army?"

"At this moment in time," said Paddy after a moment's calculation, "there is myself, my cousin Sean, my next door neighbor Gerry, and the entire dominoes team from the pub -- that makes 8!"

Saddam sighed. "I must tell you Paddy that I have 1 million men in my army waiting to move on my command."

"Begorra!", said Paddy, "I'll have to ring you back!"

Sure enough, the next day Paddy rang back. "Right Mr. Hussein, the war is still on! We have managed to acquire some equipment!"

"And what equipment would that be, Paddy?" Saddam asked.

"Well, we have 2 combine harvesters, a bulldozer and Murphy's tractor from the farm."

Once more Saddam sighed. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 16 thousand tanks, 14 thousand armored personnel carriers, and my army has increased to 1 and a half million since we last spoke."

"Really?!" said Paddy "I'll have to ring you back!"

Sure enough, Paddy rang again the next day. "Right Mr. Hussein, the war is still on! We have managed to get ourselves airborne! We've modified Ted's ultra-light with a couple of rifles in the cockpit and the bridge team has joined us as well!"

Saddam was silent for a minute, then sighed. "I must tell you Paddy that I have 10 thousand bombers, 20 thousand MiG 19 attack planes, my military complex is surrounded by laser-guided surface-to-air missile sites, and since we last spoke, my army has increased to 2 million."

"Faith and begorra!", said Paddy, "I'll have to ring you back.

Sure enough, Paddy called again the next day. "Right Mr. Hussein, I am sorry to tell you that we have had to call off the war."

"I'm sorry to hear that" said Saddam. "Why the sudden change of heart?"

"Well," said Paddy "We've all had a chat, and there's no way we can feed 2 million prisoners."

"To meaningless French Idealism, Liberty, Fraternity and Equality...we answer with German Realism, Infantry, Cavalry and Artillery" -Prince von Bülow, 1870

Offline Rheostatic

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Offline PMedMoe

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Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
« Reply #627 on: July 28, 2011, 15:16:29 »
10 Words You Need to Stop Misspelling

Nice.  Should be mandatory reading prior to posting.   :nod:

Another to add:  which and witch
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Offline Rifleman62

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Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
« Reply #628 on: July 30, 2011, 09:51:19 »
My neighbor knocked on my door at 2:30 am this morning, can you believe that...... 2:30am?! Luckily for him I was still up playing my Bagpipes.

Man calls 911 and says "I think my wife is dead" The operator says how do you know? He says "The sex is the same but the ironing is building up!"

I was in bed with a blind girl last night and she said that I had the biggest penis she had ever laid her hands on. I said "You're pulling my leg."

I saw a poor old lady fall over today on the ice!! At least I presume she was poor - she only had $1.20 in her purse.

My girlfriend thinks that I'm a stalker. Well, she's not exactly my girlfriend yet

A wife says to her husband you're always pushing me around and talking behind my back. He says what do you expect? You're in a wheel chair!

I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get reincarnated but must come back as a different creature. She said she would like to come back as a cow. I said, "You're obviously not listening. "

The wife has been missing a week now. Police said to prepare for the worst. So I have been to the thrift shop to get all her clothes back.
Never Congratulate Yourself In Victory, Nor Blame Your Horses In Defeat - Old Cossack Expression

Offline HavokFour

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Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
« Reply #629 on: August 01, 2011, 21:28:37 »
"The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing." — Edmund Burke

Offline Romanmaz

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Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
« Reply #630 on: August 01, 2011, 21:57:11 »
Quote
http://youtu.be/ojvIFTXs4nQ - This made me laugh pretty hard. Make sure you turn up the volume.

Didn't like the video?  :P
BMQ Sept. 5th for Infantry

Offline Hammer Sandwich

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Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
« Reply #631 on: August 07, 2011, 16:29:36 »
The "Small Mallet" and I completed the latest video in our tactical series.

We are pleased to present to you, "BBB#5, Camouflage and Concealment"

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=58NdlFOyBnk
My Youtube Channel: TACTICAL FAIL INC: http://www.youtube.com/user/HammerSandwich9

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Offline HavokFour

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Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
« Reply #632 on: August 07, 2011, 17:16:29 »
The "Small Mallet" and I completed the latest video in our tactical series.

We are pleased to present to you, "BBB#5, Camouflage and Concealment"

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=58NdlFOyBnk

Whiskers really bring out the colour of your eyes. You should wear that look more often.  :rofl:

EDIT: I've thought of a possible edition to your gear, a hip mounted bottle opener holster.
« Last Edit: August 07, 2011, 17:20:03 by HavokFour »
"The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing." — Edmund Burke

Offline Hammer Sandwich

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Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
« Reply #633 on: August 07, 2011, 17:47:35 »
Whiskers really bring out the colour of your eyes. You should wear that look more often.  :rofl:

Heehee....thanks  ;D

I've thought of a possible edition to your gear, a hip mounted bottle opener holster.

Like this?  ;D (even includes lanyard)
My Youtube Channel: TACTICAL FAIL INC: http://www.youtube.com/user/HammerSandwich9

"It doesn't bother me because I never had a bone to pick with anybody. I was out there doing my job."
Sgt. P. Worobec, Lake Sups, 1918-2006, R.I.P.

"Tell them you eat babies" bdave, 2010

Offline BadgerTrapper

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Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
« Reply #634 on: August 07, 2011, 18:58:38 »
"So go to the closest Surplus store.... and buy a lot of green crap"


Hmm, motto to live my life by right there Hammer...

On a side note, I'm sure most of you can relate to the following...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=B3G9r3k5pFs&feature=feedrec_grec_index

Offline RemembranceDay

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Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
« Reply #635 on: August 07, 2011, 21:46:55 »
HAMMER!!! SPOOF THIS!! :rolf:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pzCF1K9spxg&NR=1

Hahaha, I can see it already!

Offline RemembranceDay

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Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
« Reply #636 on: August 09, 2011, 20:36:18 »
War does not determine who is right – only who is left.


An employee approached his boss regarding a dispute on his pay-check…
Employee – Sir, this is $100 less than my salary.
Boss – I know. But last month, when you were overpaid $100, by mistake, you didn’t complain!
Employee – Well, I don’t mind an occasional mistake, sir, but it seems to be becoming a habit, now!

A man died and went to The Judgment, they told him , “Before you meet with God,  I should tell you — we’ve looked over your life, and to be honest you really didn’t do anything particularly good or bad. We’re not really sure what to do with you. Can you tell us anything you did that can help us make a decision?”

The newly arrived soul thought for a moment and replied, “Yeah, once I was driving along and came upon a person who was being harassed by a group of thugs. So I pulled over, got out a bat, and went up to the leader of the thugs. He was a big, muscular guy with a ring pierced through his lip. Well, I tore the  ring out of his lip, and told him he and his gang had better stop bothering this guy or they would have to deal with me!”

“Wow that’s impressive, “When did this happen?”

“About three minutes ago,” came the reply.


A man was being interviewed for a job.

"Were you in the service?" ask the interviewer.

"Yes, I was a marine," responded the applicant.

"Did you see any active duty?"

"I was in Vietnam for 2 years and I have a partial disability."

"May I ask what happened?"

"Well, I had a grenade go off between my legs and I lost both
testicles."

"You're hired. You can start Monday at 10 am."

"When does everyone else start? I don't want any preferential
treatment because of my disability."

"Everyone else starts at 7 am but I might as well be honest with
you. Nothing gets done between 7 and 10. We just sit
around scratching our balls trying to decide what to do first."



The Company Commander and the 1st Sgt, were in the field.
As they hit the sack for the night, the 1SG said: "Sir, look up
into the sky and tell me what you see."

The CO said "I see millions of stars."

1st Sgt.: "And what does that tell you, sir?"

CO: Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of
galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Theologically, it tells
me that God is great and that we are small and insignificant.
Meteorologically, it tells me that we will have a beautiful day
tomorrow. What does it tell you, Top?"

1st Sgt.: "Well sir, it tells me that somebody stole our tent."





Offline Hammer Sandwich

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Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
« Reply #637 on: August 09, 2011, 21:35:11 »
“About three minutes ago,” came the reply.

Now that's a good damn joke!!!!

 :rofl:
My Youtube Channel: TACTICAL FAIL INC: http://www.youtube.com/user/HammerSandwich9

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Sgt. P. Worobec, Lake Sups, 1918-2006, R.I.P.

"Tell them you eat babies" bdave, 2010

Offline opp550

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Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
« Reply #638 on: August 09, 2011, 22:58:36 »
If anyone has the time and/or doubts about the limits of human stupidity, browse here: http://notalwaysright.com/

Offline Technoviking

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Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
« Reply #639 on: August 10, 2011, 07:50:34 »
The minister  was  preoccupied with thoughts of how he  was going to  ask the congregation to come  up with more money  than they were  expecting for repairs to the church   building. Therefore, he was annoyed to find  that  the regular organist was sick and a  substitute had  been brought in at the last  minute. The substitute  wanted to know what  to play.  "Here's a copy of  the  service," he said impatiently. "But, you'll  have to think of something to play  after I make  the announcement about the  finances."
During  the service, the  minister paused and said, "Brothers and Sisters,  we are in great difficulty; the  roof repairs cost twice as much as we expected  and  we need $4,000 more. Any of you who  can pledge $100 or more, please stand up." At  that moment, the substitute organist played "O Canada."


And that is how  the substitute became the regular organist!
So, there I was....

Offline Hamish Seggie

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Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
« Reply #640 on: August 10, 2011, 09:16:40 »
If anyone has the time and/or doubts about the limits of human stupidity, browse here: http://notalwaysright.com/
Concur....here's your sign.... :+1:
Freedom Isn't Free   "Never Shall I Fail My Brothers"

“Do everything that is necessary and nothing that is not".

Offline Loachman

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Offline NinerSix

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Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
« Reply #642 on: August 14, 2011, 13:33:44 »
What is the difference between an oral and anal thermometer?





The taste.
The process is not the mission.

Offline Sythen

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Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
« Reply #643 on: August 14, 2011, 18:58:59 »
http://www.xtranormal.com/watch/12337009/welcome-to-2-signals-squadron

Really funny video that could be applied to any unit :)
Written on Soldier’s Tower, University of Toronto:

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"I'm all in favor of keeping dangerous weapons out of the hands of fools.  Let's start with typewriters."
Frank Lloyd Wright, architect

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Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
« Reply #644 on: August 14, 2011, 19:05:59 »
http://www.xtranormal.com/watch/12337009/welcome-to-2-signals-squadron

Really funny video that could be applied to any unit :)

Funny, in parts. But I am not a big fan of whiners or victims.
The process is not the mission.

Offline Hammer Sandwich

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Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
« Reply #645 on: August 16, 2011, 09:12:28 »
The Husband Store

A store that sells new husbands has opened in New York City , where a woman may go to choose a husband.
Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates: You may visit this store ONLY ONCE!
There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:
 
-Floor 1:  These men Have Jobs. She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor,
where the sign reads:
 
-Floor 2: These men Have Jobs and Love Kids. 'That's nice,' she thinks, 'but I want more.' So she continues upward.

The third floor sign reads:
-Floor 3: These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking. 'Wow,' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going. She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:

-Floor 4: These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help with Housework.
'Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly stand it!'

Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:

-Floor 5: These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.
She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads:







 

-Floor 6: You are visitor #31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please.

Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.



edit: punctuation
« Last Edit: August 16, 2011, 09:41:14 by Hammer Sandwich »
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Offline Retired AF Guy

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Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
« Reply #646 on: August 16, 2011, 09:46:50 »
Top 10 Things I Hate About Star Trek

10. Noisy doors.  You can't walk three feet in a starship without some door whooshing or screeching at you. My office building has automatic sliding doors. They're dead silent. If those doors went "wheet!" every time a person walked through them, about once a month some guy in accounting would snap and go on a shooting rampage. Sorry Scotty, the IEEE has revoked your membership until you learn to master WD-40

9. The Federation.  This organization creeps me out. A planet-wide government that runs everything, and that has abolished money. A veritable planetary DMV. Oh sure, it looks like a cool place when you're rocketing around in a Federation Starship, but I wonder how the guy driving a Federation dump truck feels about it?

And everyone has to wear those spandex uniforms. Here's an important fact: Most people, you don't want to see them in spandex. You'd pay good money to not have to see them. If money hadn't been abolished, that is. So you're screwed.

8. Reversing the Polarity.  For cripes sake Giordi, stop reversing the polarity of everything! It might work once in a while, but usually it just screws things up. I have it on good authority that the technicians at Starbase 12 HATE that. Every time the Enterprise comes in for its 10,000 hour checkup, they've gotta go through the whole damned ship fixing stuff. "What happened to the toilet in Stateroom 3?" "Well, the plumbing backed up, and Giordi thought he could fix it by reversing the polarity."

Between Scotty's poor lubrication habits and Geordi's damned polarity reversing trick, it's a wonder the Enterprise doesn't just spontaneously explode whenever they put the juice to it.

7. Seatbelts. Yeah, I know this one is overdone, but you'd think that the first time an explosion caused the guy at the nav station to fly over the captain's head with a good 8 feet of clearance, someone would say, "You know, we might think of inventing some furutistic restraining device to prevent that from happening." So of course, they did make something like that for the second Enterprise (the first one blew up due to poor lubrication), but what was it? A hard plastic thing that's locked over your thighs. Oh, I'll bet THAT feels good in the corners. "Hey look! The leg-bars worked as advertised! There goes Kirk's torso!"

6. No fuses.  Every time there's a power surge on the Enterprise the various stations and consoles explode in a shower of sparks and throw their seatbelt-less operators over Picard's head. If we could get Giordi to stop reversing the polarity for a minute, we could get him to go shopping at the nearest Starship parts store and pick up a few fuses. And while he's shopping, he could stop at an intergalactic IKEA and pick up a few chairs for the bridge personnel. If you're going to put me in front of a fuseless exploding console all day, the least you could do is let me sit down.

5. Rule by committee.  Here's the difference between Star Trek and the best SF show on TV last year:

Star Trek:

Picard: "Arm photon torpedoes!"
Riker: "Captain! Are you sure that's wise?"
Troi: "Captain! I'm picking up conflicting feelings about this! And, it appears that you're a 'fraidy cat."
Wesley: "Captain, I'm just an annoying punk, but I thought I should say something."
Worf: "Captain, can I push the button? This is giving me a big Klingon warrior chubby."
Giordi: "Captain, I think we should reverse the polarity on them first."
Picard: "I'm so confused. I'm going to go to my stateroom and look pensive."

Firefly:

Captain: "Let's shoot them."
Crewman: "Are you sure that's wise?"
Captain: "Do you know what the chain of command is? It's the chain I'll BEAT YOU WITH until you realize who's in command."
Crewman: "Aye Aye, sir!"

4. A Star Trek quiz:  Kirk, Spock, McCoy, and 'Ensign Gomez' beam down to a planet. Which one isn't coming back?

3. Technobabble. The other night, I couldn't get my car to start. I solved the problem by reversing the polarity of the car battery, and routing the power through my satellite dish. The resulting subspace plasma caused a rift in the space-time continuum, which created a quantum tunnelling effect that charged the protons in the engine core, thus starting my car. Child's play, really. As a happy side-effect, I also now get the Spice Channel for free.

2. The Holodeck.  I mean, it's cool and all. But do you really believe that people would use it to re-create Sherlock Holmes mysteries and old-west saloons? Come on, we all know what the holodeck would be used for. And we also know what the worst job on the Enterprise would be: Having to squeegie the holodeck clean.

1. The Prime Directive. How stupid is this? Remember when Marvin the Martian was going to blow up the Earth, because it obstructed his view of Venus? And how Bugs Bunny stopped him by stealing the Illudium Q36 Space Modulator? Well, in the Star Trek universe, Bugs would be doing time. Probably in a room filled with Roseanne lookalikes wearing spandex uniforms, walking through doors going WHEET! all day. It would be hell. At least until the Kaboom. The Earth-shattering Kaboom.

Link
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Arya Stark

Offline Romanmaz

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Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
« Reply #647 on: August 16, 2011, 10:01:03 »
The classic "fake grenade tossed into a truck prank". Enjoy- http://youtu.be/GhedLgSVewA
BMQ Sept. 5th for Infantry

Offline Technoviking

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Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
« Reply #648 on: August 18, 2011, 17:31:44 »
So, there I was....

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Re: More and more funnies.. vol: something...
« Reply #649 on: August 20, 2011, 10:38:57 »
Have you noticed how 50 girls you went to school with have set up shop as a "professional" photographer? Having a DSLR does not make you a professional photographer. We're outing these no talents with daily pictures from the worst of the web. We only post pictures that were from a photography "business," and we use that term lightly. Maybe you are one of those photographers. Have a good laugh at yourself. You submit the photos, and we provide the snark.

http://youarenotaphotographer.com/
"A good traveler has no fixed plans, and is not intent on arriving".
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