Author Topic: "The" Essay (merged)  (Read 49886 times)

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Offline Sammy0max

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"The" Essay (merged)
« on: November 06, 2011, 19:42:02 »
Hello everyone, I need some feedback for my essay. Let me know what you think, thanks!

______________________________________________________________________________________________

        Twenty five hundred years ago, Sun Tzu said “The commander stands for the virtues of wisdom, sincerity, benevolence, courage and strictness.” Clearly I'm not yet a commander, but I possess the core foundations to become one. Should I be accepted into the ROTP program I would look to my time at RMC and service beyond as the opportunity to hone, practice and apply the virtues for which Sun Tzu speaks.

   I am, I've been told, a natural leader. I'm exercising leadership this year as Vice President of my 950 person high school, through my work as a lifeguard and swimming instructor, and as a coach for the Special Olympics. A leader understands people, and in my graduation from primary school, I was awarded the 4-Way Rotary award. This award is given to one male and one female student who best demonstrates the four traits of truthfulness, fairness, building goodwill, and benefiting others. I earned sufficient points in my last year of primary school, excelling both in sports and in the classroom, earning my “Big A” award during graduation. Last year, my swim team (Bluefish Swimclub) gave to me the “Most-Improved Award” for displaying exceptional improvement in the 4 main strokes.
   
Learning and the world in general fascinates me. My grades are adequate but I know I'm capable of more. I am an avid reader, often consuming three or four novels a month. It is amazing what you can learn in a book, but I've also been fortunate enough to travel and see for myself. For instance this last summer, at 16, I flew on my own half way around the globe. For three weeks, under the guidance of an Aunt and Uncle, I traversed mountains to back-country ski the Southern Alps of New Zealand and Australia's Snowy Mountains. It was a great adventure.

   I'm not afraid of hard work and a challenge. At thirteen I trained with the army cadets. The day I turned 14 I applied for and was hired at Tim Horton's. For sixteen months I impressed the managerial staff and was often praised by customers who would comment how impressed they were by my service. I left Tim's for a new experience working at the movie theatre. Eventually I took a second job  to boost my savings. My end goal was to work as a lifeguard. I diligently took all the required courses and  volunteered when I could. This fall I was hired at the pool, and will continue there until University - Mission accomplished. 

   I have a strong sense of community involvement and team participation. I have logged over 150 hours as a volunteer swimming instructor (as I mentioned before I was hired) and as the technical supervisor with the “Prior Players”, a theatrical group based in our town. I work the lights, the curtains, and the setup of a theatrical play and teach others how as well. I am a senior member of the Bluefish competitive swim club, and have maintained my fitness because of it. On the team I also help coach the “entry level” kids every second day. I am an active member of our local paintball club, play competitive tennis and love to ski.

   The Military has been my passion for years. I dream of wearing a uniform, contributing to my country, and honouring those who have fulfilled their duties beyond the call. American General Colin Powell said it well,”There are no secrets to success. It is the result of preparation, hard work, and learning from failure.” I agree and intend to do just that. I place my commitment, my dedication, my heart and soul into the military. I am ready for the Canadian Forces and hope that I am chosen for the ROTP program. 

       Sincerely,

  Maximilian C. Moore

Offline scriptox

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Re: My ROTP Essay
« Reply #1 on: November 06, 2011, 19:55:50 »
The question for the essay asks "Explain why you wish to attend your first choice of academic institution". I see why you want to join the FORCES (vaguely), but I don't see why you want to join that certain INSTITUTION. Assuming you chose RMC, the question asks WHY you want to join that institution in comparison to say, applying to a Civvy University. Re-read your essay and ask yourself if you really did answer that question.

Offline Sammy0max

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Re: My ROTP Essay
« Reply #2 on: November 06, 2011, 20:02:51 »
The question for the essay asks "Explain why you wish to attend your first choice of academic institution". I see why you want to join the FORCES (vaguely), but I don't see why you want to join that certain INSTITUTION. Assuming you chose RMC, the question asks WHY you want to join that institution in comparison to say, applying to a Civvy University. Re-read your essay and ask yourself if you really did answer that question.

I think halfway through my writings I got it into my head that I was now writing for only the Forces, not the RMC. Thank you!

Offline Blackadder1916

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Re: My ROTP Essay
« Reply #3 on: November 07, 2011, 01:13:41 »
Hello everyone, I need some feedback for my essay. Let me know what you think, thanks!

______________________________________________________________________________________________

. . . . . Sun Tzu said “The commander stands for the virtues of wisdom, sincerity, benevolence, courage and strictness.” . . . . .

. . . . .  American General Colin Powell said it well,”There are no secrets to success. It is the result of preparation, hard work, and learning from failure.” . . . . .

It might be a minor point, but, you couldn't find quotes from Canadians (and even more specifically RMC graduates) that contain the same sentiments?  It is not as difficult as you might think, however I wouldn't use the military quotes feature of this site as a source.
Whisky for the gentlemen that like it. And for the gentlemen that don't like it - Whisky.

Offline bron_13

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"The" Essay (merged)
« Reply #4 on: November 18, 2011, 20:36:44 »
This is the start of my admissions essay please help me with anything i should fix!

I would like to pursue a challenging career as an officer in the Canadian Forces. In order to do so, I need a great education, and I know that the Royal Military College (Kingston) will give me that. Attending this University has so many benefits for a new member in the Canadian Forces, like the discipline, new leadership skills, and using teamwork. These skills and many like them are necessary to becoming an aspiring officer.
 
 RMC Kingston has some great academic programs, I would like to be an engineering officer in the forces and RMC offers a great civil engineering degree that would give me a good background for an engineering officer.  Doing my degree and learning the military life is a great way for me to go from a civilian to an officer in the forces. That is why RMC Kingston is the best choice for me.

I am a very active person and the sports and activities offered at RMC are incredible. I have played hockey since I was a little kid and would love to carry that on through my degree.  I would also like to get involve in as many things as possible, but still keeping good grades. By doing this I will gain more skills in teamwork and leadership which I look forward to in a career in the Canadian forces.
Through training, exercise, and school work, certain skills are gain by working with other officer cadets that would not be found at a civilian university. Some of these skills are, drill, ceremony, teamwork, discipline, and leadership. I am very interested in becoming better at all these examples and more. RMC Kingston will give me the tools to do so.

RMC offers me great military training, that I cannot get at a civilian university. Not having any military experience, this will be a great help to me in other military training off of the campus. 

Offline MasterDebater

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Re: my admissions essay to rmc
« Reply #5 on: November 20, 2011, 23:35:11 »
Looks like a good start. You might want to also spend some time discussing what you think you can contribute to RMC that would differentiate you from other aspirants, since your focus is currently on things that you would gain from RMC.

Offline jetfuelcola

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RMC Essay
« Reply #6 on: November 25, 2011, 03:59:20 »
Before I begin, I'm just going to suggest that I think a larger thread should be created to put all questions like this one in one place.

Anyways, below is the latest draft of my RMC admissions essay, "Reasons for Attending RMC/Civilian University." I'm getting ready to hand in my application very soon, but I'd like some second opinions on it before I do so. I don't intend to hand it in as it is right now, just so you know. And yes, I realize there's a bit of a disconnect between the first paragraph and the rest of the essay, I'm mulling over that right now...

--------------------

Removed by mod

See response below.

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« Last Edit: November 25, 2011, 11:31:31 by Nerf herder »

Offline Journeyman

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Re: RMC Essay
« Reply #7 on: November 25, 2011, 11:06:56 »
   Never in my life have I been so determined or so ready as I am now......
.....to seek others to do my work.

You do know that this is a tool used to assess you, right?

It is not meant to judge your ability to find people online in order to make yourself appear more capable than you actually are.

Sorry if this is harsh, but the instructions are "you will write an essay....", not "you and whoever you can find to help will collectively write....."

Offline the 48th regulator

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Re: RMC Essay
« Reply #8 on: November 25, 2011, 11:25:20 »
Locked,

dileas

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Offline Nerf herder

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Re: RMC Essay
« Reply #9 on: November 25, 2011, 11:33:10 »
Essay deleted by me, for the reasons Journeyman pointed out.

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Offline armyguy1

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Re: My ROTP Essay
« Reply #10 on: June 27, 2012, 18:30:59 »
I know this topic is old, however, my question is regarding the ROTP essay, and after reading this I have some slight hesitation about mine.

To answer the question they want answered I can easily sum it up in a few words. "I am already about half way through my degree at my university." But they provide two pages to write the essay and also post that if you need additional room to write then attach paper to the application. Obviously I wouldn't just write what I said as my reason, I would elaborate. However, Is all of the things that were said in the essay written above necessary? Should I explain why I am a good candidate for ROTP, should I be looking for substance and finding quotes and all that other jazz? I once learned that the best thing to do when writing an essay is to be concise. If you can make your point clear in a small paragraph then that is all you need and the rest is just unnecessary.

Should I take this approach with this essay or do I need to add substance?

Thank you
armyguy1

Offline 2016 club

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Re: My ROTP Essay
« Reply #11 on: June 28, 2012, 20:42:56 »
I know this topic is old, however, my question is regarding the ROTP essay, and after reading this I have some slight hesitation about mine.

To answer the question they want answered I can easily sum it up in a few words. "I am already about half way through my degree at my university." But they provide two pages to write the essay and also post that if you need additional room to write then attach paper to the application. Obviously I wouldn't just write what I said as my reason, I would elaborate. However, Is all of the things that were said in the essay written above necessary? Should I explain why I am a good candidate for ROTP, should I be looking for substance and finding quotes and all that other jazz? I once learned that the best thing to do when writing an essay is to be concise. If you can make your point clear in a small paragraph then that is all you need and the rest is just unnecessary.

Should I take this approach with this essay or do I need to add substance?

Thank you
armyguy1

Everyones essay and how they go about it will be different. Everyones advice will also vary. Some people will write more then the two pages provided, while others will write a single page. What's important is that you not only answer the essay question in the best possible way, but sell yourself. I was told to think of it this way. If you took two applicants that were identical, and the selection committee had one spot for both of them, who would they pick? Chances are they would pick the applicant with the better essay. The guy that made them think, "This is the kind of guy we ourselves would want to serve with. This guy gets it."

So make it personal. Sell yourself. Avoid generalizations.

I was a successful applicant this year. I wrote a single page, 3 paragraphs total, ranging from 5-7 sentences each. It was substance over quantity and as a result I finished it quickly. So there is one example for you. No need to over think it, just write the truth.

Good luck.

Offline armyguy1

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Re: My ROTP Essay
« Reply #12 on: June 28, 2012, 22:31:52 »
Everyones essay and how they go about it will be different. Everyones advice will also vary. Some people will write more then the two pages provided, while others will write a single page. What's important is that you not only answer the essay question in the best possible way, but sell yourself. I was told to think of it this way. If you took two applicants that were identical, and the selection committee had one spot for both of them, who would they pick? Chances are they would pick the applicant with the better essay. The guy that made them think, "This is the kind of guy we ourselves would want to serve with. This guy gets it."

So make it personal. Sell yourself. Avoid generalizations.

I was a successful applicant this year. I wrote a single page, 3 paragraphs total, ranging from 5-7 sentences each. It was substance over quantity and as a result I finished it quickly. So there is one example for you. No need to over think it, just write the truth.

Good luck.

that was an excellent response and has helped me understand it greatly. Thank you

Offline jwtg

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Re: My ROTP Essay
« Reply #13 on: November 07, 2012, 11:26:28 »
I realize this is a bit of a necro-post, but because we're into November, this thread is certainly relevant to many ROTP applicants who are writing their essays as we speak.  I saw this quoted in another thread and thought it was worth a read for any of those people, as well as some additional experience I would like to add:

I applied to ROTP twice.  The first time I applied only to RMC and wrote my entire essay about why I didn't want to go to Civ U, and why I wanted to go to RMC.  I received an ROTP Civ U offer with no option for RMC. 
The second time, I applied only to Civ U and not at all RMC.  I wrote my essay entirely about why I wanted to attend my civilian university as opposed to RMC.  This time, I received (and accepted) an offer to RMC.

Definitely ironic, but the point is that in both essays I did the following: a) Answered the question they asked (following simple direction will prove to be an elusive concept to many of you- as it was to me- as you embark on the early stages of your CF careers.  BMOQ/FYOP will make this reality clear to you.); b) Sold myself by writing about leadership, experience, teamwork, all the qualities they're looking for; c) Found a way to merge my shameless self-promotion with the topic at hand. 

Same thing you would do for an essay on an exam- write what you know about (in this case, yourself) and apply it to the question they're asking (in this case, why you should be offered ROTP at your institution of choice) in a convincing way (in this case, convincing enough for the government to invest money and time into making you into an officer).

Good luck.

Offline mkil

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Re: "The" Essay (merged)
« Reply #14 on: November 07, 2012, 14:00:05 »
Hello all!

I received a new version of the form from my RC. It is all done online now. The essay question reads "Please explain your reason/s for wanting to attend the Royal Military College of Canada?" Now, am I being naive to think that I should answer only the question? I am applying to nursing, so I cannot go to RMC. So instead, my current essay outlines all of the reasons I chose Dalhousie University. No where in it do I speak to my attributes that would make me a great candidate for the Canadian Forces. I see that other people almost fully sell themselves as if the questions asks "What makes you a perfect candidate for the CF". Am I wrong to focus on the university? Any and all advice is welcome; however, I am most interested in past successful candidates to the ROTP.

Thank you!

-M
Live as if you were to die tomorrow. Learn as if you were to live forever - Ghandi

Offline Zulu 95

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Re: "The" Essay (merged)
« Reply #15 on: November 08, 2012, 00:44:21 »
Before I say anything, I am NOT a recruiter and therefore cannot say anything definitively.

From what I understand they are using this essay to determine why they should pay for you and not someone else. They do not make any gains off someone who is in it just for free school; they want someone who will stay with the forces for a long time.
Writing about your university also seems like a good idea as it tells them that you are well informed and likely to stick with it.
As others have said previously everyone's essay will be different.

Again, this is all speculative and should not be taken as hard fact.
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Offline Globemaster77

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Re: "The" Essay (merged)
« Reply #16 on: December 19, 2012, 03:36:40 »
I personally find that narrative essays are much more creative and shows character.
Sure you can write your average essay trying to sell yourself and show off to the reader. But I find that extremely dull and boring.
Show them that you are different, show them that you have character.
Write a story about a personal experience which demonstrates your capabilities.
Maybe a story about a difficult task you had to fulfill? Then you can simply write about how you dealt with the problem (Indirectly show off your capabilities.) and at the same time the story entertains the reader, along with the fact that it shows character as you are using a real life experience.

Am I the only one who thinks this way?

Offline Motard

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Re: "The" Essay (merged)
« Reply #17 on: December 19, 2012, 11:41:22 »
I personally find that narrative essays are much more creative and shows character.
Sure you can write your average essay trying to sell yourself and show off to the reader. But I find that extremely dull and boring.
Show them that you are different, show them that you have character.
Write a story about a personal experience which demonstrates your capabilities.
Maybe a story about a difficult task you had to fulfill? Then you can simply write about how you dealt with the problem (Indirectly show off your capabilities.) and at the same time the story entertains the reader, along with the fact that it shows character as you are using a real life experience.

Am I the only one who thinks this way?

It's the military, things tend to be very direct and to the point. The question is: why do you want to attend RMC? answer it and move on to the next question. You can tell your "stories" during the interview.

Offline Noctis

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Re: "The" Essay (merged)
« Reply #18 on: December 19, 2012, 13:02:30 »
It's the military, things tend to be very direct and to the point. The question is: why do you want to attend RMC? answer it and move on to the next question. You can tell your "stories" during the interview.

This.
I was tempted to say something rather harsh, this guy beat me to it in a gentle kind of way.  Simple and to-the-point is likely better and more professional than rambling about your ever-so-interesting adventures on this world.

Offline Globemaster77

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Re: "The" Essay (merged)
« Reply #19 on: December 19, 2012, 15:52:38 »
This.
I was tempted to say something rather harsh, this guy beat me to it in a gentle kind of way.  Simple and to-the-point is likely better and more professional than rambling about your ever-so-interesting adventures on this world.

Yeah, I suppose it depends on your point of view. I get what you mean though, I don't think there is a definitive answer as everyone will write differenetly and the different readers will also think differently.

The thing I was thinking more about was that they are looking for unique people. If you are a part of the selection board, you would think: "Why and how is this guy different from the thousands of other applicants and their essays?". I prefer the method of showing my characteristics and skills through a specific experience, then relating those skills and lessons I've learned to why I want to attend RMC.

In addition, if sure I can tell stories in the interview. But something tells me that one of the first things that they will ask/cover are your qualifications. For the sake of the arguement, wouldn't I be able to sell myself there better instead?

The recruiter specifically told me to think about making the essay different and unique as it is the one thing that I can personalize in my application.

Offline Noctis

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Re: "The" Essay (merged)
« Reply #20 on: December 19, 2012, 18:08:15 »
The recruiter specifically told me to think about making the essay different and unique as it is the one thing that I can personalize in my application.

Who do you trust more; the recruiter, or random people on the internet?

Do what your gut tells you and stick to it.  You seem smart enough to come up with your own decisions.

Offline Globemaster77

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Re: "The" Essay (merged)
« Reply #21 on: December 19, 2012, 18:22:45 »
Who do you trust more; the recruiter, or random people on the internet?

Do what your gut tells you and stick to it.  You seem smart enough to come up with your own decisions.

LOL haha, come to think of it you're right.   ;D

Offline Motard

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Re: "The" Essay (merged)
« Reply #22 on: December 19, 2012, 23:25:46 »
Or they may just view it as "this person can't even follow some simple instructions"

The recruiters themselves have nothing to do with the selection board, my recruiter barely knew anything about the ROTP program alone, he had to direct me to someone else. They make sure all your I's are dotted and T's are crossed then forward your application to be reviewed.

There are also plenty of ways to create a unique and legitimate answer to that question without going off on a bunch of tangents.

Offline Globemaster77

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Re: "The" Essay (merged)
« Reply #23 on: December 21, 2012, 02:19:41 »
Or they may just view it as "this person can't even follow some simple instructions"

The recruiters themselves have nothing to do with the selection board, my recruiter barely knew anything about the ROTP program alone, he had to direct me to someone else. They make sure all your I's are dotted and T's are crossed then forward your application to be reviewed.

There are also plenty of ways to create a unique and legitimate answer to that question without going off on a bunch of tangents.


This is also one way to look at it.
The topic of the essay is something along the lines of:
Why do you want to attend the listed Academic institution?"
The instructions were not: " Why are you a better candidate than the others?"

They never specified: Because I'm good at this and this.
I want to go because I did this, I did that...

I just wrote about my experience at a cadet pilot summer course at an active military base.
About how I learned a lot from the military and how my experience living the military life alongside reg force members helped me determine my career choice. From that I can relate to my skills and how I'm aware of what the forces can do for me.
And I obviously picked out specific events during my stay at the base which showed my skills/personality/character.

Offline jasph

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Re: "The" Essay (merged)
« Reply #24 on: December 21, 2012, 18:06:36 »
POST MORE ESSAY. please... ;D